Highly Sensitive Person Archives - Page 7 of 7

Highly Sensitive Relationships: How to Connect Deeply

by Melissa Noel Renzi | Mar 17, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships

What do you think is most important in highly sensitive relationships?

I often hear people say that things like communication, honesty, and respect are the most important. While these are certainly important pillars of any relationship, none of them are possible without one key ingredient. And this one ingredient happens to be of particular importance in highly sensitive relationships. I’ll share with you what this vital ingredient is, but I’d like to illustrate with a personal story.

Recently, my partner and I were out of town visiting my grandparents for a few days. During our stay, there was an instance in which our political differences surfaced. The circumstances were such that we didn’t have an opportunity to talk about the issue at the time.

Upon arriving home, my grandfather sent me an email curiously inquiring about the matter. My partner and I replied with a carefully thought out, respectful response. Despite trying our best to speak to some of our common ground, I knew our perspective differed from theirs and that they might feel offended, even angry. But this is the email I received:

“Lissey, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. We appreciated your response to our question. You certainly have a gift in your writing skills.

Yes, we have widely divergent views on so many social and political issues. So wide that we feel it’s best not to attempt a comprehensive response. The risk of misunderstanding is too high plus the breach is so wide I don’t see any hope for resolve on any of the issues.

We respect your views, as I’m sure you do ours. So let’s just leave it all here, continue our usual dialogues, and know that we truly love one another.

Love you lots, Grandpa and Grandma”

There’s something in his email that goes beyond communication, respect, and honesty, even though that’s all there. And that something is the reason I, as a highly sensitive person, can feel so close to my grandfather in our relationship.

What’s Most Important in Highly Sensitive Relationships?

Connection is the most important ingredient in highly sensitive relationships. While this might sound basic, connection is the bond that allows us to feel a sense of mutual understanding, warmth, and compassion for one another.

So often we get bogged down in attempting to communicate about difficult matters before we have what we need in the relationship for that to happen. As highly sensitive people, we’re hyper-aware of the subtleties that often lie behind words, body language, and facial expressions. If we don’t feel connected, it can be really hard to communicate respectfully because we may feel separate, wounded, or inauthentic.

Once we have the connection need met in our relationships, then communication, respect, and honesty can actually flow with greater ease, maybe even come naturally.

My grandfather recognized that we spent three days talking, listening, and connecting with one another about all kinds of subject matters and felt close in so many meaningful ways. He made a conscious choice to focus on that which connects us and recognized that we have mutual respect for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that sharing diverse perspectives through respectful dialogue has an important place in our relationships and we need to learn how to deal with difficult feelings. But it is essential for both people to feel connected first. While I entirely understand and respect my grandfather’s suggestion that we stay focused on our current ways of connecting, I also do believe that the genuine connection we do share would lend itself to deeper dialogue about differences.

But what do we do when we feel we’re lacking connection in highly sensitive relationships?

How to Connect Deeply in Highly Sensitive Relationships

Deep connection in highly sensitive relationships is something I write about at length, but here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Get clarity on whether deep down you want a connection with the person. As highly sensitive people, sometimes we think we ought to connect with someone when deep down there’s a part of us that’s resisting connection. You may have some feelings you’ve concealed or perhaps the relationship doesn’t warrant the effort. Take time to ask yourself if you really want to deepen the connection and why you want this connection. Reflecting like this helps us come to relationships authenticity, which is crucial for highly sensitive people.

2. Take responsibility if you played a part in creating distance. Sometimes we put up walls without even realizing it. We get defensive, self-righteous, and blame others. Connection comes from both people owning any responsibility they bear in widening the relationship divide. Let this be part of both your inner work, as well as any dialogue you have. Own your part and let this person know you’d like to work on connecting.

3. Come to the relationship with a genuine level of interest and compassion for the other person. Empathy comes naturally for many highly sensitive people, but we can struggle with it if we’re feeling disconnected. Our defenses pop up when we feel wounded. But the other may feel similarly. A little humility and sincere desire to compassionately understand another person can go a long way. Allow yourself to be open to the other person’s experience.

4. Make eye contact when you communicate. Staring at the floor or ceiling during an argument is likely to lead to further disconnection. It’s really easy for me to get wrapped up in my mind and mood when my eyes are on something other than the person in front of me. Mindfully make eye contact so that you can attune to the other person’s fear, hurt, or vulnerability when it’s there. Looking another in the eye can help us to connect.

5. Take time for activities you enjoy together. Twenty years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad and I were seeing a counselor in an effort to connect better. She advised us to do something else besides go to dinner and talk. She knew our dinner conversations inevitably led us down a destructive path, so she suggested playing a game or going to a show. Do something fun together that allows you to enjoy one another’s company with a little levity. I love how serious I am as a sensitive person at times, but I have to balance my depth out with some frivolous fun from time to time.

Connection doesn’t have to be as difficult with people that are different from us if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity. How do you connect in relationships as a highly sensitive person? Leave a comment below.

Looking for concrete tools and dialogues to connect more deeply in highly sensitive relationships? Overcome communication problems, open up, get close, and create fulfilling relationships with my Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.

How do you connect as a highly sensitive person in your relationships? Leave a comment below!

Mindful Camino Lesson #2: Pain is a Teacher

by Melissa Noel Renzi | Sep 27, 2017 | Anxiety, Grief and Loss, Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Self Care, Trauma, Travel

Today I’d like to share a few ways I see pain as one of my greatest teachers.

If you’re human, you’ve experienced pain… many kinds of pain. Loss of a loved one. A broken bone. A break-up. Discrimination. Chronic illness. Bullying. An absent parent.

Sensitive people can be particularly affected by pain. We’re more susceptible to stimulation, and we feel it on multiple levels.

That said, we also have a special skill in transforming pain into the fuel that makes our lives meaningful. I saw this within myself during my recent knee injury while hiking the Camino de Santiago. When pain struck, I used it to learn and make sense of my experience.

So what does pain teach us?

1. Pain teaches us resilience.

Sometimes it feels like it’s too much to bear. You may know that feeling intimately.

My knee pain was excruciating, but it paled in comparison to the sudden loss of my mother. Yet, the physical pain on my Camino reminded me of just how much we can endure, particularly if we have healthy coping skills at our disposal.

I met a German woman one day. In the few minutes we chatted, I learned she was carrying her husband’s ashes. He had hiked the Camino de Santiago annually since 2009 until his passing in 2016. This was powerful for me, as the thought of losing my partner is something that makes me anxious. Her sense of ease in carrying him with her made me realize just how strong we really are.

When we can sit with the challenges of our lives and incorporate it into our sense of strength and resilience, we become empowered beings that can handle almost anything.

2. Pain teaches us to listen.

It alerts us to a problem and urges us to listen.

It would have been wise to listen to my body sooner. But I was intent on finding a solution so I could keep walking. Meanwhile, I ignored the call from my body to take rest and made it worse.

Far too often we ignore the physical and emotional pain of our lives. We cope by working harder. We turn to alcohol and drugs as a temporary fix. We’re too good for our own good as we frantically help others while ignoring ourselves.

One of my yoga teachers, Morgan Lee, once said to listen to yellow lights to prevent injury. I’ll take this further and say that yellow lights come in many forms. Sometimes it’s a warning from your body. But maybe it’s a sign that you’re overloading your plate. Or maybe it’s a sign that it’s time to let go of that relationship that feels destructive or imbalanced.

3. Pain teaches us presence

On the Camino de Santiago, it’s very easy to get into “pilgrim mode” of walking quickly without taking time to talk to a local or notice the purple flower growing out of the ground. My injury forced me to pause and appreciate the beauty around me. And when I took the time to notice something other than myself, it helped me manage my pain.

Emotional pain is no different. When we power through or ignore it, we often miss an opportunity. If we allow ourselves to feel pain, then we can tap into a collective experience that all living beings share. When we are present with pain and notice how it shows up, we have an opportunity to reflect and transform it.

4. Pain teaches us gratitude

I caregive for a woman who had a stroke five years ago and spends her days sitting in a chair. She and her husband used to hike and travel all over the world. Now he goes alone.

While she has good days and bad days, she frequently talks about being thankful for her family and travel experiences. She’s thankful for the days when she’s not in as much pain. I thought of her a lot during my Camino.

I felt grateful for my ability to walk despite the pain. I felt grateful for the moment. I felt grateful for my breath, my eyes, and my ears. I felt grateful for the earth and trees, and all of the things that are more powerful than pain. I felt grateful for the small moments I photographed (see below).

Ultimately, that gratitude is what led me to stop my Camino. I thought of this woman and how her Camino shifted to an “inner camino” years ago.

That, my friends, is what the Camino de Santiago is all about for me. It was never about arriving, but about how we face ourselves and live as the highest expression of who we can be.

What have you learned from pain in your life? I’d love to hear from you if you feel inclined to share.

Mindful Camino Lesson #1: Lighten Your Load

by Melissa Noel Renzi | Sep 26, 2017 | Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Self Care, Travel

Last week, I returned from hiking the famous Camino de Santiago in Spain, but I never made it to Santiago.

Over the next few days, I’ll share with you what happened along with some Mindful Camino Lessons I learned along the way that just might resonate with you.

But let me first explain the Camino de Santiago and my purpose for hiking it.

The Camino de Santiago was traditionally a religious pilgrimage to the city of Santiago de Compostela, the alleged burial site of the apostle St. James. Camino pilgrims hike the many different Caminos for many different reasons.

The Camino I chose was the Camino Primitivo, which is off the beaten path with beautiful natural landscapes. It seemed to be the most introvert-friendly, and in theory, I could hike it in under two weeks. The Camino Primitivo also happens to be the most physically challenging Camino.

My purpose for hiking the Camino was to have introspective time in nature. I wanted to know how I’d feel hiking alone for a long period of time–how my mind and body would respond. I’ve traveled solo quite a bit over the years. Each time I do, I’m reminded of my own strength and resilience. I was at a place in my life where I was craving that reminder again.

I got that reminder and much more.

One thing I realized is sensitive folks like me have a knack for tuning into the silver lining of challenging experiences and making deep meaning out of them.

Despite the setbacks that caused me to terminate my Camino early, I learned a great deal in the short time I hiked this epic journey. I’d like to share those tidbits of wisdom with you this week.

Mindful Camino Lesson #1: Lighten your load (even more)

What are you carrying in your pack?

As an introspective person who faces anxiety, these are questions I ask myself regularly in my practice of self-care. But this inquiry was incessant during my recent trek of the Camino de Santiago.

The Camino forces you to examine the physical and emotional baggage you carry. I believe it’s one of the key lessons the Camino has to teach us.

For me, I get that less is more. I’ve lived out of the country for two years with everything I needed in a backpack. I value minimalism and I thought I was good at keeping my load light.

But there’s almost always something more we can unload. And we carry baggage in many forms, all of which I believe contributes to greater anxiety.

Starting to Let Go of Heavy Baggage

I carefully sorted through my backpack multiple times before my trip to pare down extra weight, as I knew I’d be hiking 20-30 kilometers per day. Yet, I was convinced each item was necessary.

On Day 1, a knee issue that has visited periodically over the last five years crept in on me. I found myself almost unable to walk at the end of the day. The struggle persisted over the next couple of days. And as I struggled, I realized I was bogged down by the weight of my pack.

As soon as I arrived in a town with a post office, I sent six pounds of belongings to some friends in Madrid. I also started carrying less water and food. My pack was lighter, but it wasn’t enough.

The pain continued. Many Camino pilgrims told me it was normal and my body would adjust. I wasn’t so sure. But I listened to them and continued experimenting to continue walking.

I tried sending my pack from one town to another so I could walk without carrying my baggage. I felt free and light at the start of this day, but eventually, the pain came back.

Why was I so set on continuing my trek and what else could I let go of at this point?

How Emotional Baggage Causes Us Pain

Before starting my Camino, I visited a friend in the south of Spain. One day we were talking about expectations of others. I said I felt that I let someone in my life down just before I left. He said, “Your pack might be light, but you arrived with baggage.”

My friend was right. He encouraged me to communicate with this person. I did… and to my surprise, this person responded in an understanding manner. A weight was lifted.

But was it?

One thing that became clear to me during my long walks was how much of my anxiety comes from the expectations of others, and probably more importantly, the expectations I put on myself with respect to others. And well, I could also add the expectations I have of others.

As an introvert, I often get overwhelmed with social obligations and family expectations. I hold high expectations for myself to be able to be a better yoga teacher. I judge myself for letting go of social work and not doing enough for social justice. The list goes on…

If I don’t check myself, I can easily get caught up in a cycle of needing to be all things to all people, including myself.

And well, these expectations showed up on the Camino. I was subconsciously carrying emotional weight and it was permeating my experience.

I expected a lot from my body. I expected it to be able to climb up and down mountains with little preparation, as it did ten years ago. I expected my mind to be able to handle the challenges and thought all this would require was mind over matter. I expected to be able to work through any discomfort. I expected the people around me to be right when they said my pain would go away after a few days.

I carried the weight of expectation in a range of forms during my Camino. I cried the day I let it go. And then, I realized that I felt lighter as I let go of the pressure I put on myself.

The pain in my knees did not go away, but I was able to move into the Camino my body and soul were asking of me.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:

What is weighing you down?
What does it feel like?
Who are you carrying it for?
What would happen if you let it go?

Below I’ve shared a video of my thoughts on baggage during my Camino.

I’d love to hear from you if you feel inclined to share your process of “shedding baggage” and “lightening your load”.

How Trauma-Informed Yoga Can Help Highly Sensitive People

by Melissa Noel Renzi | Aug 24, 2017 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Trauma, Yoga

The following article was originally published on Introvert, Dear under the title “7 Reasons Trauma-Informed Yoga Is Perfect for Introverts and HSPs”.

I almost walked out of a yoga class last winter.

As an introvert and a highly sensitive person (HSP), I’m quick to experience sensory overload. Too much stimulus makes me anxious.

If you’re sensitive like me, you may find it ironic that a practice based on quieting the mind can be so stimulating in a lot of studios these days.

As a yoga teacher myself, I want to share with you the secret to finding yoga studios and classes that offer calmer experiences. First, I’ll tell you what happened that made me want to run.

Overstimulation in Yoga

The snow came in spades that weekend. After introverting for days, I decided to try a new studio in my neighborhood.

I walked into a heated room with yoga mats crammed together all facing a wall of mirrors. The music was so loud that I could barely hear the teacher, which was a shame because what I did hear was helpful. Then repeated snapping of her fingers started…and I wanted to run.

I was adjusted in poses rather forcefully without her knowing the inner workings of my body — and without consent. This sensory overload contributed to a stressful experience, the opposite effect of what we aim for in yoga.

We all have preferences when it comes to yoga. Thus, I say this not to criticize, but to hopefully bring to light some alternative options for the sensitive person. The secret I give students is to seek out trauma-informed teachers.

What is Trauma-Informed Yoga?

Trauma-informed yoga is an approach that bears in mind that any student coming to a class may have experienced trauma, and some aspects of yoga can be re-traumatizing. The approach offers a framework for creating a safe space in which students can connect with their breath and increase body awareness.

When I began thinking about what makes yoga trauma-informed, I realized the same principles are perfect for introverts and HSPs. I’m not grouping introverts and HSPs with trauma survivors, but the overlap in how we require safe space is noteworthy.

I teach yoga at a great trauma-informed studio in the Chicago Loop called Room to Breathe Chicago. It’s been built by sensitive souls, and you can expect to walk into any class and have a calming experience. I actually teach all my classes this way, as I believe we all benefit from becoming more mindful of one another’s boundaries in a world that often feels stifling and disrespectful.

If you’re a sensitive person who is new to yoga, or you’ve had a negative experience, I highly suggest looking for teachers trained in trauma-informed yoga and studios that have missions that include language like “empowerment,” “gentle,” “choice,” “sensitive,” and “accessible.” Many trauma-informed teachers are indeed introverted or sensitive folks themselves.

Why Trauma-Informed Yoga Is Perfect for Introverts and HSPs

1. We provide options. We encourage choice, whether it’s taking rest or a variation of a pose. We focus on self-paced, dynamic movement that centers on body awareness and breath rather than rigid dogma or vigorous movement. When we use alignment cues, they’re to keep students safe and develop greater presence. Modifications are abundant in our classes.

2. We keep our music chill. Sometimes I don’t use music at all so students can focus on their breath. When I do use music, I opt for soft, calming melodies without many lyrics. Loud music in yoga creates what we call a “rajasic” experience, which, in this context, could be understood as overstimulating the nervous system, which results in exhaustion and imbalance.

3. We use minimal hands-on assists. We refrain from placing our hands on students unless we’ve built a relationship or the student clearly states they want adjustments. We use cards that students can flip over to indicate if they want assistance. We are conscientious about the adjustments we do offer. It’s your practice, and you should be able to move and breathe in community with respect for your personal space.

4. We avoid too much stimulation. If heat is going to be created in class, we facilitate that process from the inside out rather than lumping students together in a heated room. We’re careful to limit class sizes so students have personal space. We avoid too many visuals and smells. When so many of us are up in our head space all day long, we want to provide an opportunity to quiet the mind, not spin it into a tizzy of stress.

5. We are aware of our voices. It’s not that we all speak in soft voices, but we find the balance in strength and softness. Yoga is not a spinning class or boot camp. We offer more opportunities for silence and stillness.

6. We teach the essence of yoga. Our cuing weaves yogic philosophy and meaning into the practice in a way that is genuine and helps students connect to their experience. We support the positive effects yoga has on the body, but will never teach it as a group of poses to be conquered. We cultivate interoception, the sense responsible for detecting internal regulation responses within the body, such as respiration, heart rate, and other physical sensations.

7. We don’t teach with mirrors. Yoga certainly encourages reflection. Self-reflection. The internal reflection you find when you are deep in your breath and body, connected to your present experience.

Not all trauma-informed yoga teachers are introverts or HSPs, and not all introverted and sensitive yoga teachers are trauma-informed. Yet, the intersection I see is the keen awareness of what creates a calm, safe environment that nourishes students and fosters introspection.

Are you a highly sensitive/introverted/trauma-informed yoga instructor or a student that knows a teacher who is? If so, please get in touch with me at info@melissanoelrenzi.com. I would love to build my resource list worldwide to refer students appropriately.

8 Special Superpowers of Highly Sensitive People

by Melissa Noel Renzi | Aug 7, 2017 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Self Care

Have you been told you’re too sensitive? Unfortunately, it’s rather common in our society for highly sensitive people to be teased or criticized, even by loved ones. Our friends and family typically mean no harm. At times they may think they’re “just having fun” or maybe even showing affection.

As highly sensitive people, we may be able recognize the spirit of this way of relating. And so we get used to laughing it off and “letting it go”. But do we really let it go?

Over time, the hurtful words we hear settle deeply into the psyche.

We learn there’s something inherently wrong with us. The outside world tells us we’re weak and flawed. We’re too serious. We ought to be able to talk about certain issues without getting emotional.

Have you heard these words and statements?

I felt that way about myself for a long time. I wished I weren’t so sensitive. I felt so misunderstood and alone in my experience. Thinking of myself this way, made me feel anxious. I struggled to see the strength in being sensitive.

In recent years, I’ve begun to change my perspective on being highly sensitive.

And then something happened recently that blew my mind.

My dad (who has historically called me sensitive) told me that he sees the positive traits my mom possessed in me. The first and only trait he mentioned in that conversation was my sensitivity.

In a separate conversation, my partner also told me that one of qualities he finds most attractive in me is indeed that I’m sensitive.

The thing about being a highly sensitive person is that it’s only a problem if we internalize our sensitivity as something negative. When we can tap into our sensitivity as a strength, or even superpower, then we truly begin to shift the paradigm.

Superpowers of Highly Sensitive People

We’re deeply empathetic. Highly sensitive people frequently possess a strong ability to feel what loved ones and even strangers are experiencing. When we tune into these emotions, we truly feel them. This gives us a unique sense of open-minded compassion. I’ve had times when I was angry with someone, but still felt compassion toward that person knowing her pain. Of course, this superpower can also be a curse. Self-care is vital for highly sensitive empaths to avoid holding the suffering of others.
We’re considerate. We find ourselves extra conscious of our body language and respect the personal space of others because we know how it feels to be both shunned and invaded. We’re conscientious about the volume of our media and voices because we’ve been the quiet neighbor in a noisy building. Not everyone is sensitive to the same things, but we prefer not to infringe on the freedom of others to enjoy peaceful space.
We’re flexible thinkers. My partner once told me that if I were to have a gravestone, it would be etched with “part of me feels like…” While this phrase sometimes pertains to decision-making, it also comes out when I’m discerning between right and wrong. Even with matters that are black and white to many people, highly sensitive people are able to think less dualistically and see where others are coming from before judging.
We’re acutely aware. We are extraordinarily perceptive and intuitive when it comes to people and our surroundings. Sensitive people can often spot red flags in people and situations leading us to sniff out phonies or scam artists more quickly. I’ve taken a lot of risks in my life that make some people balk. But for me, I find I have a special knack for sensing the character of those around me.
We’re creative. Highly sensitive people are often very imaginative and adventurous in their thinking. We tend to prefer thinking outside the box rather than linear thought process, which can lead to innovative problem-solving or vivid works of art. As a social worker, thinking creatively was imperative to helping my clients and changing systems.
We’re sincere listeners. We tend to engage with others in a genuine manner that allows others to feel our support. Friends and family of highly sensitive people can typically feel our unique ability to hold space for their pain and struggle without getting overwhelmed or imposing our opinions. As an introvert, I sometimes disappoint my friends by not attending every party, but they know I’ll sit down with them for hours to lend a loving ear.
We embrace life experiences. Our nature is to connect to joy and sorrow equally and to experience the depth of human emotion. Highly sensitive people find meaning in life’s obstacles and use this to tap into our resilience. My journey of living with anxiety has taught me to integrate past pain into a resilient sense of self and thereby work with anxiety rather than resist it.
We love deeply. Highly sensitive people love a lot. We really do. We feel love in our bodies. We love with our eyes. We love with our touch and we love with our souls. No one feels love in the heart center like sensitives do.

What are you greatest superpowers as a highly sensitive person?

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