Highly Sensitive People with Anxiety: What to Know and How to Cope

Highly Sensitive People with Anxiety: What to Know and How to Cope

by | May 22, 2018 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

If you’re a highly sensitive person, you know the struggle with anxiety is real. I hear countless stories from highly sensitive people with anxiety who feel overwhelmed. Everyday situations can cause us to feel distressed in a way our non-sensitive peers may not understand.

Being more attuned to your senses and surroundings, you’re likely triggered by some of the details that make up the fabric of our modern society. I’m going to talk about those details more, as well as ways to cope, in a moment. One of the coping suggestions I have may surprise you!

But first I’d like to note the relationship between high sensitivity and anxiety. I mean, let’s face it, as highly sensitive people, we want to understand how our minds work as much as we can.

While being highly sensitive can mean we’re more vulnerable to anxiety, I want to emphasize that not all highly sensitive people struggle with anxiety. Many highly sensitive people face little anxiety. Yet, there is an association between high sensitivity and anxiety worth noting.

Let’s define these terms before we go any further.

What is a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP)?

“High sensitivity”, also known as sensory-processing sensitivity (SPS), is a personality trait, not a disorder. It’s an indicator for how we experience and interface with the world. Highly sensitive people make up roughly 20 percent of the population and are often:

  • Easily affected by others’ moods; they tend to feel emotions of others
  • Overwhelmed by sensory stimuli such as lights, sound, smells, and some fabrics
  • Emotionally moved by news, film, music, or art
  • Criticized for thinking too much
  • Apt to process information more thoroughly
  • Frazzled when asked to multitask or do too many things at once
  • Deeply conscientious
  • Likely to have a rich inner life

What is anxiety?

Anxiety is the body’s natural response to stressful, dangerous, or unfamiliar situations. It’s the feeling of worry that’s accompanied by that sweaty, heart-racing, can’t catch your breath, dry-mouthed reaction that your body has in response to fear.

Anxiety is a normal, physical reaction to stress that triggers our brain’s fear center and sends hormones pumping through our body. We all experience anxiety from time to time. It only meets criteria for an anxiety disorder if it involves excessive fear or anxiety that interferes with daily life.

Highly Sensitive People and Anxiety – What’s the relationship?

Since highly sensitive people have a proclivity to feel deeply, it’s not surprising that we’re susceptible to anxiety. Highly sensitive people with anxiety are inclined to absorb emotional experiences of those around us as if they were our own.

And things like the news and social media can spin us into an emotional frenzy, especially if we’re left with feeling a load of pain coupled with immense helplessness.

A small study published by the scientific journal Brain and Behavior found that when compared with individuals with low sensitivity, HSPs tend to have more activation in brain areas with “mirror neurons”, the neural system responsible for empathy. While some empathy is good, too much empathy can negatively affect our physical and mental well-being potentially leading to feelings of anxiety.

Additionally, we live in a fast-paced world that hurries us through sardine-packed subways and slings quick-witted remarks around at business meetings. When we can’t keep up, we feel like frazzled outsiders.

As highly sensitive people with anxiety, we may receive heavy pressure from others to work rapidly to complete a project when maybe our minds need more time to process and organize.

Loud noises from motorcycles, the bouquet of pungent perfumes at a department store, and oppressive fluorescent lights of the common office wreak havoc on our nervous systems igniting the body’s fear response.

There’s neuroscience research that suggests that people with the SPS trait may genetically have an exaggerated startle response, which can make us more prone to anxiety.

But while highly sensitive people with anxiety may be more susceptible to anxiety, we can tap into the strength of our sensitivity with the right tools to get through challenging times.

How Highly Sensitive People with Anxiety Can Cope

1. Know your triggers. Highly sensitive people with anxiety have a great advantage in our ability to sense and notice. Identify the specifics things, people, and situations that negatively affect you. Write a list of your triggers.

2. Establish a plan for self-care to cope. Ensuring you get enough sleep, eat well, and exercise is vital for highly sensitive people to avoid depletion. But it also helps to review your list of triggers and develop a plan for how to cope ahead of time. For example, if I have a large social event coming up, I do my best to sandwich that event with ample downtime before and after to prepare and recharge.

3. Be active on social media. Does that sound like bad advice? Well, maybe. In general, it’s a good idea to limit time spent on social media. But research suggests that if you’re going to use it, it’s best to be active rather than passive. This means it helps to have a purpose when you engage in social media. Rather than mindlessly scrolling through your Facebook feed, share a thoughtful comment on a friend’s post or share a good news story that may uplift others. This helps us to feel more connected and purposeful.

4. Practice mindfulness. Highly sensitive people with anxiety who are naturally mindful may be able to manage anxiety better. This is where that double-edged sword comes into play. On the one hand, our heightened awareness can challenge us. But on the other, it can be a great tool for us to recognize when we’re carrying emotional baggage that isn’t ours or notice when we may be overthinking.

5. Take the middle path. Balance is important. Spending too much time in isolation may result in even greater overwhelm in stimulating situations than you would with a little exposure. But this doesn’t mean forcing yourself into chaotic environments. For example, you may dislike loud noise but enjoy live music and dancing. In this way, perhaps you take the time to be in a loud-ish place while enjoying your sensory experience.

6. Practice self-compassion. Practice patience and kindness with yourself. Remember that along with the challenges of being a highly sensitive person with anxiety, your sensitivity brings many gifts. Tune into the kind version of you by remembering the advice you’d offered a stressed friend.

What do you do to cope with anxiety as a highly sensitive person? What are your triggers? I’d love to hear from other highly sensitive people out there.

How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

by | May 9, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships, Self Care

“How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions” was republished with permission from www.tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here: “How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions”.

I felt her agony and loneliness as if it were my own. Even as I write that sentence, my eyes well up and heaviness fills my heart. Then, I’m reminded to apply the advice I give others.

My mom was a special person, a sensitive soul just like me. Actually, I’m so much like she was, yet so different. One of the differences between us is that I had an opportunity to observe her life’s challenges. I saw her challenges reflected within myself and made a conscious choice to find healthy ways to cope.

You see, my mom was a deep feeler and felt the emotions of people near and far. I imagine it was her strong empathy and personal challenges that led her to want to help others, as a wounded healer in a sense.

But as a helper and healer, she struggled with her mental and emotional health over the years. Witnessing her life moved me to learn how to regulate my own sensitive emotions and set healthy boundaries.

Sometimes I wonder if not knowing how to manage her empathy is what made her sick.

There are many ways to understand the challenges my mom battled before her death in 2007. From her perspective, she had a rare, unknown physical illness. Some who knew her may have thought she was manipulative and attention-seeking. Some would see an addiction to pain medication. Psychologists would diagnose her with a psychosomatic disorder, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.

Maybe all and none of those explanations are true. But perhaps she didn’t have any “disorder” at all. I’m not really asserting that to be true, but merely posing a curious question. What if she was just a sensitive, empathic person who lacked the skills to manage the pain around and within her? What if one unhelpful coping mechanism led to a slew of other ailments?

I believe my mom felt real physical and emotional pain. I struggled to fully understand her over the years. But after many years of reflection, I now trust her experience because of what I know about my own sensitive nature.

As sensitive people, we may present with high emotion and feel easily overwhelmed by our senses. We’re often told by the world that there’s something wrong with us. And when we think there’s something inherently wrong with us, we tend to tuck these traits away into our “shadow” or unconscious mind.

Well, now we’ve not only tucked away our core essence, but possibly the empathic depth that goes along with being a sensitive person as well. There may be a part of us that knows that we’re emotional sponges. Yet, we may choose to ignore our nature without really learning how to manage our empathy in such a way that prevents “dis-ease” and fosters well-being.

This was me for a long time.

Not only am I prone to feeling depleted and drained in situations with certain people, but the emotional pain of others tends to show up in my physical body. When I over-feel, my throat feels like it’s closing and as my chest constricts, my chronic back pain flares up.

My boyfriend was complaining of one of those small, painful pimples inside his nose recently. I got one as well. We joked about sympathy pains, but I do wonder sometimes.

I’ve felt the emotional pain of my family, friends, clients, and strangers. It’s not a simple, “Oh, I feel bad for him.” It’s feeling the despair and rejection of that teenager whose parents didn’t pick him up when he was released from the behavioral hospital where I worked. It’s the deep anguish of being that relative who feels no one believes her and she’s all alone.

I feel challenged to find the right language to express it all because the deep heartache and heavy burden is a feeling not a word.

The thing is that no matter how painful it is to feel the weight of the world in my body, I wouldn’t trade my depth and ability to feel for anything. The empathy that comes with high sensitivity is a true gift if we know how to use it.

We need more kind, compassionate people if we want to heal the world. Sensitive people have a natural capacity to show kindness because of our profound empathy.

Deep empathy gives us a special strength in relating and connecting with others. When we genuinely care, we’re more apt to be able to understand another person in a way not that all people can. Our sincerity can help us to develop meaningful, fulfilling relationships.

Relationships offer us a chance to not only grow a deep sense of connection with another human being but also an opportunity to learn about ourselves. Both of these are integral to the human experience.

And as sensitive people, we feel intense pain, but we also feel intense joy.

Yet, regulating our empathy is key to stopping the flood of emotion from overwhelming our ability to cope and care for our well-being.

If we want to stop absorbing other people’s emotions, it all starts with taking care of our physical, social, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. I know it sounds like the whole world is harping on the idea of self-care, but there’s a reason for this.

When our own immune system or energy is depleted, we become a perfect sponge for sopping up emotions. We must take care of ourselves to avoid absorption in the first place.

6 Steps to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

1. When you notice heavy emotion, start by labeling what you’re feeling. Labeling helps to bring us into a state of pause, which can help us to gain a little distance from the emotional experience for a moment. Even a little distance helps us to begin to stop absorbing other people’s emotions.

2. Ask yourself whether what you’re feeling is yours, someone else’s, or a mix of the two. It can be difficult to discern the difference sometimes. One approach I like to take is if I think I might be feeling a particular person’s “stuff,” I’ll imagine the person as completely whole, content, and full of light. Then I’ll revisit my own experience and see if I still feel the same way. This played out in a recent loss in my life. While I was experiencing my own grief, when my relative who was closest to this person seemed to start to heal, I realized that much of my sadness released as well.

3. The moment you catch yourself feeling emotions that aren’t yours, raise your awareness of what’s happening within your mind and body. It can help to say the word “compassion” to yourself as a way of intentionally focusing on what you can do to be supportive rather than allowing yourself to be overpowered by emotion.

4. Take a deep breath and notice where in your body you feel the calmest, grounded, or neutral. It might be as simple as your toe or finger. Bring your attention to that place in your body and allow it to be a centering force to keep you grounded while you process and release any feelings you may have absorbed. Sometimes just having one calm place in our body can serve as a resource when the rest of you is feeling overwhelmed.

5. Return the other person’s emotions to them. It is not your responsibility to carry other people’s emotional distress, and equally important, it helps absolutely no one. Try saying to yourself, “I’m letting this emotional pain that is not mine go now.” Remember that other people have to go through their own processes in order to grow. When you stop absorbing other people’s emotions, you give both yourself and the other people a better opportunity to grow.

6. Use visualization to fully release the emotions. I find that it helps me to visualize a waterfall flowing through my body as a final release of any residual emotional gunk I might be carrying.

At the center of all of the above steps is building the awareness to know when we’re allowing ourselves to absorb and adopting tools to stop absorbing other’s people’s emotions. As a sensitive person, your empathy is a gift that the world needs. It’s up to each of us to channel our empathy into greater compassion so that we can remain strong and well.

For more HSP relationship tips and tools, check out my in-depth Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.

HSP Travel Tips: 8 Ways to Preserve Your Energy

HSP Travel Tips: 8 Ways to Preserve Your Energy

by | Apr 29, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Travel

Travel can be uplifting or downright draining for highly sensitive people (HSPs). To explore the world without feeling depleted, a few HSP travel tips can facilitate a positive experience.

As HSPs, we may feel deeply moved by the magic and adventure of experiencing a new place and culture. Yet, another part of us knows that travel for us often entails feeling overstimulated.

Over the last 15 years or so, I’ve traveled solo, as well as with partners, family, friends, and of course, my retreat guests. As I adventured, I began to learn which aspects of travel filled me with energy and which left me feeling anxious or zapped.

Learning about the HSP trait has further helped me understand how I can best take care of myself in various areas of my life, including work, relationships, social situations, and adventure travel.

Recently, I spent a month in Peru leading retreats. My time there with other HSPs reinforced the idea that there are specific features and contexts of travel that help prevent overwhelm and anxiety. I’d like to share a few HSP travel tips I’ve learned from my solo and group travel experiences that I hope can help your future travel experiences.

8 HSP Travel Tips to Preserve your Energy

HSP Travel Tip #1: Know that pre-travel anxiety is normal.

Take it from a serial traveler who has lived in several countries and loves adventure. I still experience anxiety before every trip. Packing, planning, flying, being away from loved ones, and heading into the unknown all feed into our anxiety.

Most of the time these days, waves of anxiety wash over me and I catch myself. I may cry or have a freakout moment, but I use my emotional regulation skills and remind myself that everything will be okay. Make self-care non-negotiable before travel. Sometimes this means saying no to social invitations or lightening the burdens you place on yourself just before travel.

HSP Travel Tip #2: Decide where you’re going.

I don’t believe there’s an ideal destination for HSPs. Urban adventures appeal to some since museums and the arts can provide the kind of stimulation we dig. Others prefer the wilderness for quiet and serenity.

Ask yourself what kinds of environments you thrive in and find meaningful. Plan to spend most of your time in those places. Consider the amount of activity, social interaction, and emotionally charged situations you may encounter and how you can find balance.  When possible, spend several days in one location rather than trying to cram too much into one trip.

HSP Travel Tip #3: Make an “activity sandwich”. 

Just because an excursion or destination is crowded or loud doesn’t mean HSPs are out. With enough downtime padded on either side, even over-stimulating activities can be worth it.

For example, on our two-day excursion to Machu Picchu during our Peru retreat, I knew those days were going to be long for us introverts and HSPs. FYI, Machu Picchu can be crowded. I scheduled an “activity sandwich” so that we’d have a full day to rest both before and after this side trip. For most of us, this made the stimulation manageable.

HSP Travel Tip #4: Travel solo or choose your travel pals wisely.

Traveling alone can be deeply enriching for HSPs because of the flexibility it affords. It means the freedom to go dancing or snuggle up with a journal. You can soak up the wild sensory experiences of a local market, but leave when you’ve had enough.

It can also be nice to share memorable experiences with others, especially if those others are people who understand your sensitivity and need for downtime. Talk about your preferences and needs before committing to a trip when possible. Having a compatible travel companion can make all the difference.

Holly, a guest from our Peru HSP and introvert retreat said, “In overwhelming situations, the recovery time was shortened. What would normally take days took hours. The group somehow provides recharging when a group normally doesn’t do that. It’s weird.”

HSP Travel Tip #5: Wear comfortable clothing.

Airports, airplanes, and buses are not usually favorite components of traveling. If you’re an HSP with major sensory issues like me, let go of fashion and wear your coziest leggings and fleece on the plane. Dress in layers to make yourself comfortable. Comfy clothes can help bring us HSPs a sense of ease when we’re entering into the unknown.

HSP Travel Tip #6: Pack these HSP must-haves.

Since many of us HSPs are sensitive to things like odors, fragrance, noise, and bright lights, there are a few small items that I recommend packing that can support us when we’re feeling overwhelmed by our senses. After hiking in Spain in 2017, I made a short video titled “6 Must-Haves for Your Camino If You’re a Highly Sensitive Person”. These must-haves are good HSP travel tips for any adventure.

HSP Travel Tip #7: Take alone time without shame.

If you already have a practice of taking alone time, then you know the profound impact personal time to recharge can have on your well-being. There’s no shame in asking for time to yourself when you need it. Know your boundaries and when too much is too much. You’ll be able to show up for yourself and those around you when you honor your needs.

HSP Travel Tip #8: Go with the flow and adventure of it.

Perhaps the most important of these HSP travel tips is to remember that travel is all about stepping into the unknown, learning, and growing. We can take precautions to mitigate unnecessary stress or stimulation. But we can really only plan so much. When you say yes to travel, you enter into a learning experience with a wild teacher. You may have signed up for a class, but you never fully know what every detail of the syllabus is going to look like until you’re in it. Remember that the adventure is what makes traveling fun and helps us to grow.

If you want to join other HSPs and introverts like you for an adventure of a lifetime, be the first to hear about our 2020 HSP & Introvert Retreats by subscribing to my emails.

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

by | Apr 7, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Self Care

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you know that developing emotional regulation as an HSP can be challenging at times.

As HSPs, we feel our emotions deeply. Whether we feel anger, excitement, or sadness, emotions fill us up viscerally and can impact our well-being. Our profound empathy can lead us to feel the emotions of those around us and we may find it difficult to set healthy boundaries.

HSPs are highly attuned to the subtle nuances of our surrounding environments, not just emotions. We process information at an exceptional level of depth. Thus, we may be easily overwhelmed by information and sensory stimulation of daily living.

Not all of us are taught how to respond to challenge and regulate our emotions early in life. The absence of self-regulation skills can make it challenging to develop a sense of emotional regulation as an HSP in adulthood.

But if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity, emotional regulation as an HSP doesn’t have to be so difficult.  

Since it’s essential to learn effective tools for self-care and emotional regulation in order for HSPs to cultivate emotional balance, I’ve gathered expert tips from psychologists, authors, and coaches on how to use your sensitivity as a strength for coping with intense emotional and life challenges.

Be sure to read through to the very end to take full advantage of all resources and profound wisdom of our HSP experts.

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

Emotional Regulation Tip #1: Set intentions daily for energy, meaning, and joy

“It’s a heck of a lot easier to maintain emotional regulation as an HSP than having to find and regain it. This particular Highly Sensitive Introvert technique keeps me grounded. I’m less anxious, more productive, and I can “unhook” more easily in those challenging I’d-rather-not-be-me-in-this-moment emotional situations.

Develop a list of easy-to-answer daily intention setting questions. These questions should get at which feelings you want to experience and what would make the day meaningful. By drawing on your sensitivity to get clarity about who you want to be today and what you would like to contribute, you give yourself the emotional roadmap and destination you need to stay oriented (even when you start to get flustered) so you can access your best self and find your way through. Need an example to get started? Read 10 questions I ask daily.”

—Eva Rubin, LCSW/MPH, Certified Massage Therapist, HighlySensitiveIntrovert.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #2: Take a step back to gain perspective

“When distressed by world events, step back. You are witnessing interesting times. The earth is flowering into an amazing place, dominated by our species’ growing numbers and technology. It will inevitably wilt someday, whenever we run out of resources, but now or later? Will we grow up enough to take some charge of our planet? Slow climate change? Can we consider other species needs? We know fairly exactly the numbers and behaviors of almost all large animals on earth, from elk to tigers, as well as what they need. Now what? Okay, it can be very distressing to watch what is happening. But seen from another perspective, isn’t it amazing to be alive today, witnessing this?

Take downtime…Yearly, weekly, and daily down times. I do two hours a day of rest and meditation and no work or use of the computer after dinner. Aim for one week off a month and one month off a year. Now, six months in a lifetime? To get that time, say no when necessary. No one knows but you when you need to set a limit. Don’t be the reason, by saying yes when you need to say no, that people you care for quite unwittingly cause you stress.”

Watch Sensitive: The Untold Story

—Elaine Aron, Psychologist & Author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, HSPerson.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #3: Sit with your emotions

“I am no stranger to the emotional highs and lows that accompany being highly sensitive. One of the things that has helped me the most with emotional regulation as an HSP is taking a Taoist approach to my emotional and energetic ups and downs. I flow with the river of my own cycles, instead of constantly fighting against them. When I am feeling moody and introspective, I honor that feeling by spending time alone doing gentle activities. I also make a conscious effort to sit with my emotions and truly feel them. I no longer fear that taking time to process my feelings and experiences makes me lazy or selfish. I simply accept that my emotions will ebb and flow like water. And that’s okay.”

—Michaela Chung, Author of The Year of The Introvert & Creator of IntrovertSpring.com

Emotional Regulation Tip # 4: Label your emotions

“I’ve always been a very sensitive person. I always seemed to feel too much. As a child, when the teacher scolded another student, I could feel the tension within my body as if I myself were being scolded. As an adult, I often take on the emotions of the people around me. For example, when my partner is feeling grumpy or stressed, I start to feel that way, too.

One thing that has helped me with emotional regulation as an HSP is to name them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, we can scale them down to size. For example, I might say to myself, “You’re feeling stressed right now because you have a lot of work to get done in a short amount of time.” Or, “You feel tense because your partner is tense.” Taking a moment to be aware of my mental state, and labeling the feeling, helps me better control my reactions.”

—Jenn Granneman, Author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World & Founder of IntrovertDear.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #5: Ask yourself, “Whose emotion am I feeling?”

“Highly sensitive people tend to go on sensory overload since they can become emotional sponges. They take on the angst and joy of the world. In The Empath’s Survival Guide, I discuss how important it is to get in the habit of asking yourself this question: Is this emotion or energy mine or someone else’s? If if belongs to another person begin breathing deep and slow to release the toxic energy from your system. Then practice the 3-minute heart meditation where your focus on something you love and put your hand over your heart center in the middle of your chest. This will center you and quickly release any negative energy.”

—Judith Orloff MD, Psychiatrist & Author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, DrJudithOrloff.com  

Emotional Regulation Tip #6: Improve your critical, creative thinking skills.

“Sensory Processing Sensitivity is fundamentally activated by emotions. We receive stimulation from an external source and immediately feel an emotion. We begin to process that emotion more elaborately than those without the trait. Most of us haven’t been taught to practice high-quality thinking that is grounded in universal standards such as clarity, precision, accuracy, relevance, significance, depth, breadth, logic, and fairness. Thus, we often practice a shallower type of thinking that is either primarily egocentric (“how does this affect me in the here and now?”) or sociocentric (“I’ll just go along with everyone else to get along”).  

Emotion regulation implies that we have a greater command of our executive center, which is at the heart of questioning the emotions we experience. When we’re able to embrace a thought process that is critical and creative, self-monitoring and self-corrective, and do so as a lifelong practice, we may well be on the way to better regulation of our often strong, intense emotions.

A great place to begin exploring how to improve your thinking is CriticalThinking.org. I highly recommend two books: Critical Thinking: Tools for Taking Charge of your Professional and Personal Life, by Richard Paul and Linda Elder (2014) and Learning to Think Things Through, by Gerald Nosich (2011). Both are powerful introductions to how you can improve your thinking skills.”

—Dr. Tracy Cooper, Researcher, Author, and Higher Education Professional, DrTracyCooper.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #7: Clean up what’s not working

“Changing how you feel about feelings as a highly sensitive person can help you in endless ways. We are taught that feeling bad is a bad thing, that you should have control of your emotions, and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.

Emotions are not meant to be controlled; they’re meant to be felt. Ignoring emotions, stuffing how you feel, and avoiding the root cause can lead to emotional destruction. However, the emotion itself is not to blame. Your emotions are intuitive tools to help you recognize how you’re feeling and bring attention to what is making you feel that way. Once you notice what you notice, focus on what you can do something about and make any needed changes.

As a sensitive, it’s your nature to feel deeply. Embrace your emotions as intuitive signals. Let them guide you along your path. Shift your mindset to use your emotions to help you clean up what’s not working in your life for less stress and you’ll open up space for more peace and happiness.”

—Nicole Isler, Self-Empowerment Coach at NicoleIsler.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #8: Connect with those who bring you comfort

“One of the most powerful ways HSPs can use their sensitivity to build emotional resilience is to use our finely tuned empathy for others. Often we feel we need solitude to emotionally regulate — and we do— but as humans, we also have an innate need to connect with others. Our nervous systems are biologically designed to co-regulate.

For years, I struggled to find others who soothed my highly sensitive nervous system. I didn’t have a calming partner and children are not good options for emotional support. I felt guilty or weak for being sensitive and unable to “successfully” juggle life’s demands. Through my desire to understand the inner workings of myself and others, I began to connect with others more deeply. The more I connected, the more I felt understood, centered, and calm. And interestingly, more comforting people entered my life.

By using our ability to sense others’ feelings and needs, we’re able to connect on a deeper level. When we feel overwhelmed or in need of emotional care, connecting with others we trust can be calming and comforting. It brings us back to equanimity. My advice is to use our positive deep connections with others to regulate our sensitive nervous systems.

—Brenda Knowles, Personal & Relationship Coach & Author of The Quiet Rise of Introverts, BrendaKnowles.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #9: Inform yourself about sensitivity to express your needs

Many HSPs are told as children that there is something wrong with them for being sensitive, and thus, their self-esteem suffers. It’s imperative for parents of HSCs to learn how to raise a sensitive child so that they don’t feel shame for their sensitivity. Parents should read The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron. If they have a sensitive boy, my book, The Strong Sensitive Boy, deals with unique challenges for sensitive boys.

Many adult HSPs don’t feel comfortable stating their needs. How can HSPs get their emotional needs met if they don’t express themselves? I encourage my clients to immerse themselves in HSP literature and groups to raise their self-esteem. Watch Sensitive the Movie. There are Meetup groups, gatherings, Facebook pages, and Yahoo chat groups for HSPs. The more that we learn to love our trait, the easier it will be for us to state our emotional needs.

When I was writing, The HSP Survival Guide in 2003, I felt shame when some responded that it was a silly title for a book. I can now state that I’m proud to be a sensitive man. As HSPs learn to embrace their sensitivity, they’ll easily be able to regulate their emotions by stating their needs rather than trying to fit in with the 80 percent non-HSP culture. Another resource is my book The Power of Sensitivity, which includes 44 stories from HSPs from 10 different countries who used their sensitivity to overcome emotional challenges and assert their power as HSPs.

—Dr. Ted Zeff, Author of The HSP Survival Guide, The Strong Sensitive Boy, and The Power of Sensitivity, DrTedZeff.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #10: Show sensitivity to yourself with kindness

“When I was first asked to contribute to this important article I kindly declined the invitation. I felt that I couldn’t possibly contribute to such a piece when emotion regulation was something I struggled with myself. I thought that surely an expert contributor must be someone who has all those emotional ups and downs smoothed out nicely into a gently meandering path through life.  

In the process of sharing my doubts, I noticed myself alternating between having cruel thoughts towards myself for being “so useless” to having compassionate thoughts for being “understandably afraid”. At that moment, it dawned on me that where my sensitivity can help the most is when it is shown toward myself in the forms of self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness.

Whether it’s my emotional ups and down’s, my self-doubt that holds me back from contributing, or any other struggle I might face as an HSP, I can navigate these challenges more easily if I am gentle, kind and patient with myself. Showing sensitivity to myself helps me find emotional balance and frees me to be my best.”

—Janine Ramsey, Licensed Counselor for HSP Women & Founder of Sensitivity Style, JanineRamsey.com.au

The last tip in this series really hit home for me. Having struggled with self-criticism myself, I know the power of opening our hearts to ourselves with the same genuine, sensitive compassion we show to others.

I encourage you to access the wealth of resources noted in this article to help you develop the skills for emotional regulation as an HSP.

And if you’re interested in connecting with other HSPs in beautiful locations around the world, consider attending one of my retreats for introverts and sensitive souls. Our Mexico Retreat for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts + Snorkel with Whale Sharks is just around the corner and filling up fast.

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as an HSP

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as an HSP

by | Mar 24, 2018 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

Do you struggle to manage performance anxiety as a highly sensitive person? Despite it being quite common to feel anxious about things like public speaking and musical performances, it still feels like a mystery to so many of us when it comes to how we manage performance anxiety effectively.

Highly sensitive people may be more susceptible to performance anxiety. Our very have very active minds, as well as our tendencies to self-criticize and experience sensory overwhelm can make performance anxiety worse. Let me illustrate with a story.

Recently, I had the privilege of presenting for the Quiet Collective Conference, an online conference specifically for introverted women building businesses to change the world.

What you don’t know is just how dreadful my process was leading up to that event in managing my performance anxiety.

The topic I presented was on building sensitive courage and overcoming anxiety as an introverted entrepreneur. When asked to present, I felt a little anxious, but thought, “This is my life. I can do this,” and agreed.

Here’s the thing. I don’t know if it’s my high sensitivity, introversion, or anxiety–perhaps a combination, but there are moments when I struggle to articulate myself despite being able to at other times. It can be really frustrating when my knowledge and experience doesn’t come out of my mouth the way I wish it would.

So much goes on in my mind. The depth of processing information that happens in my brain easily takes me off on a tangent. Well, this is exactly what happened the first time I tried to record the conference with the organizer, Casey.

A couple of slides in, I got flustered and froze, and I asked to stop.

I felt frazzled by the interface of my computer, the slides, and the camera. I hadn’t yet figured out how to manage my performance anxiety in this realm because the interface of online presentations was new to me. Despite my experience delivering eulogies, my grad school commencement speech, and teaching yoga, I couldn’t talk to a computer.

When I got offline that night, I cried. I felt like a failure and the self-criticism began to sneak into my psyche. At the same time, I knew I could get a handle on my thoughts and manage my performance anxiety.

Thankfully, the organizer offered me an opportunity to give it another go. The second time my presentation was a success. It wasn’t perfect, but I was able to roll with it and be myself.

I’d like to share with you how I managed my performance anxiety.

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as a Highly Sensitive Person

1) Reframe anxiety. Work with anxiety rather than against it. Anxiety doesn’t have to be all bad. By working with anxiety, we can start to see anxiety differently allowing it to exist while moving on with our lives. I wrote a blog about this that you may find helpful: “Feeling Anxious? How to Cognitively Reframe Anxiety”

2) Let go of perfection. Just before I redid my online presentation, my dad told me, “Even if things don’t go well, it’s not the end of the world.” We make mistakes and mess up, but life continues. And usually, the only one who really remembers is us.

3) Be yourself. You know what really helped me manage my performance anxiety? I gave myself permission to mess up and fumble with my words. So when it happened during my presentation, I was able to correct myself, make a joke, and continue.

4) Apply grounding skills. I used a grounding technique from a therapeutic technique called Brainspotting, specifically, the “Resource Model”. I explain how this technique works here: “A Mindfulness Exercise to Cope with Anxiety“. Any grounding techniques you find beneficial will do.

5) Change your self-talk. Remember you’ve got what it takes. My partner reminded me of this the evening when I had a meltdown. He asked me, “What would you say to me if I were in your shoes?” He used my own tools to support me. Be kind to yourself the way you would to a friend.

It’s funny, as I write this, I’m preparing for my upcoming retreats to Peru. I’m feeling a bit nervous wanting everything to go “right”. But then I remember that nothing ever goes exactly as planned. It’s all part of the adventure and what’s give our lives meaning…something so many of use sensitive people dig.

Do you struggle to manage performance anxiety as a highly sensitive person? If so, in what circumstances and how do you manage performance anxiety? Feel free to drop a comment below.

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

by | Mar 24, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Self Care

There are specific things highly sensitive people need to practice good self-care. Yes, self-care is important for everyone, but highly sensitive people tend to have specific needs. If we don’t take time for these things, we can easily wear ourselves down to the bone.

When we take a look at what it means to be a highly sensitive person, we start to understand that we’re frequently inundated by stimulating experiences that overload our senses. If you’re at all like me, the simplest things like the fluorescent lights of an office space or bustling activities of the grocery store can leave you feeling depleted.

As highly sensitive people, we’re deeply attuned to our environments and we take in a lot of information. We process stimuli at a deeper level physically, mentally, and emotionally. We’re also prone to feeling more intensely and absorbing the emotions of others.

When it all becomes too much, we tend to isolate ourselves in order to recharge. The challenge is that if we spend too much time alone or inside, we start to feel disconnected, as we may still lack the things we need as highly sensitive people to take care of ourselves.  

As I’ve come to learn more about how my high sensitivity impacts my life, I’ve been better able to understand the self-care I need to keep myself healthy and anxiety-free. Once we practice these simple means of self-care, we’re able to step into the strength of our sensitivity.

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

1. Scheduled recharge time. Highly sensitive people need time to recharge after extensive socializing or intense sensory experiences. While we’re not always at liberty to take time when we need it, we can do our best to schedule it when possible. As an example, for my two Peru retreats, I’ll be “on” the entire time. I scheduled a week in between them to give myself ample time to rest and be able to hold space for the next group. Plan ten minutes to lie down in a quiet room after a day of work. Schedule alone time before parties and avoid back-to-back activities to get the downtime you need.

2. Enjoyable sensory experiences. There are plenty of unenjoyable sensory experiences in the external world. Motorcycles, overpowering fragrances, and uncomfortable textures get me. Since we are so aware of the subtle, it’s important to bring the sensory experiences that we do enjoy to our lives. Chill out with your favorite music, give yourself a massage, or breathe in the smell of fresh herbs. Soft, cozy clothes go a long way for this gal.

3. Connection with people who listen. One of the things highly sensitive people need most, which can sometimes go overlooked, is connection. We don’t need a lot of people, but a few close friends who we feel can offer us the same level of empathy and genuine care that we offer them goes a long way. This can be tough for us to take time when we feel drained. But it’s important to make time for the relationships that nourish us and learn how to connect more deeply. 

4. Permission to take time to process information and emotions. As highly sensitive people, we process at a much greater depth than our non-sensitive peers. This means our brains are integrating complex ideas and it may take time to arrive at ideas or answers. Don’t expect that others will extend permission to process at your own pace to you. As highly sensitive people, we need to give ourselves permission that it’s okay to take our time. Then, we must let others know that we need a little time to process and will follow up once we’ve taken that time.

5. Minimalism. Minimalistic practices can really help highly sensitive people create calming environments. When we have too much stuff in our lives, we are prone to stress and visual and mental overstimulation. Think about it, when we have more things in our environment, we’re more easily distracted or worried about attending to those things. Decluttered, calm spaces can give highly sensitive people space to breathe.

6. Connection with nature. The natural world offers highly sensitive people an opportunity to connect with our senses and unwind our minds. Nature can help us to reduce stress and restore calm by giving us quiet solitude and a time to breathe nourishing oxygen into our bodies. If you don’t have time for a hike or retreat, take just a few minutes outside to feel your feet on the ground or the sun or rain on your skin.

7. Healthy food. Highly sensitive people may notice heightened sensitivities to certain foods or find that alcohol, caffeine, or sugar takes a toll on our bodies. This doesn’t mean we need to adopt rigid diets and eliminate the foods we love. But as highly sensitive people, we can really benefit from preparing and eating fresh, colorful foods that feed our senses in a multitude of ways. Likewise, drinking plenty of water is important.

8. Meaning. One of the things highly sensitive people need more than anything is a sense of meaning in our lives. Meaning makes life beautiful for us sensitive souls and it can come in many forms. We may have jobs that feel meaningful, but I wouldn’t call that self-care. There are other ways we find meaning. We crave meaningful conversation with others, but also love discovering meaning in our own solitary practices such as yoga or art.

There are some things highly sensitive people need to show up for themselves and others. It’s vital that we take time to do the things that warm our hearts and give us energy. Sometimes we need time alone and sometimes we need connection. 

If you want to connect with highly sensitive people like you who understand your needs, consider adventuring with us from July 29th to August 4th, 2018 on a Mexico Retreat for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts + Snorkel with Whale Sharks!