HSP Travel Tips: 8 Ways to Preserve Your Energy

HSP Travel Tips: 8 Ways to Preserve Your Energy

by | Apr 29, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Travel

Travel can be uplifting or downright draining for highly sensitive people (HSPs). To explore the world without feeling depleted, a few HSP travel tips can facilitate a positive experience.

As HSPs, we may feel deeply moved by the magic and adventure of experiencing a new place and culture. Yet, another part of us knows that travel for us often entails feeling overstimulated.

Over the last 15 years or so, I’ve traveled solo, as well as with partners, family, friends, and of course, my retreat guests. As I adventured, I began to learn which aspects of travel filled me with energy and which left me feeling anxious or zapped.

Learning about the HSP trait has further helped me understand how I can best take care of myself in various areas of my life, including work, relationships, social situations, and adventure travel.

Recently, I spent a month in Peru leading retreats. My time there with other HSPs reinforced the idea that there are specific features and contexts of travel that help prevent overwhelm and anxiety. I’d like to share a few HSP travel tips I’ve learned from my solo and group travel experiences that I hope can help your future travel experiences.

8 HSP Travel Tips to Preserve your Energy

HSP Travel Tip #1: Know that pre-travel anxiety is normal.

Take it from a serial traveler who has lived in several countries and loves adventure. I still experience anxiety before every trip. Packing, planning, flying, being away from loved ones, and heading into the unknown all feed into our anxiety.

Most of the time these days, waves of anxiety wash over me and I catch myself. I may cry or have a freakout moment, but I use my emotional regulation skills and remind myself that everything will be okay. Make self-care non-negotiable before travel. Sometimes this means saying no to social invitations or lightening the burdens you place on yourself just before travel.

HSP Travel Tip #2: Decide where you’re going.

I don’t believe there’s an ideal destination for HSPs. Urban adventures appeal to some since museums and the arts can provide the kind of stimulation we dig. Others prefer the wilderness for quiet and serenity.

Ask yourself what kinds of environments you thrive in and find meaningful. Plan to spend most of your time in those places. Consider the amount of activity, social interaction, and emotionally charged situations you may encounter and how you can find balance.  When possible, spend several days in one location rather than trying to cram too much into one trip.

HSP Travel Tip #3: Make an “activity sandwich”. 

Just because an excursion or destination is crowded or loud doesn’t mean HSPs are out. With enough downtime padded on either side, even over-stimulating activities can be worth it.

For example, on our two-day excursion to Machu Picchu during our Peru retreat, I knew those days were going to be long for us introverts and HSPs. FYI, Machu Picchu can be crowded. I scheduled an “activity sandwich” so that we’d have a full day to rest both before and after this side trip. For most of us, this made the stimulation manageable.

HSP Travel Tip #4: Travel solo or choose your travel pals wisely.

Traveling alone can be deeply enriching for HSPs because of the flexibility it affords. It means the freedom to go dancing or snuggle up with a journal. You can soak up the wild sensory experiences of a local market, but leave when you’ve had enough.

It can also be nice to share memorable experiences with others, especially if those others are people who understand your sensitivity and need for downtime. Talk about your preferences and needs before committing to a trip when possible. Having a compatible travel companion can make all the difference.

Holly, a guest from our Peru HSP and introvert retreat said, “In overwhelming situations, the recovery time was shortened. What would normally take days took hours. The group somehow provides recharging when a group normally doesn’t do that. It’s weird.”

HSP Travel Tip #5: Wear comfortable clothing.

Airports, airplanes, and buses are not usually favorite components of traveling. If you’re an HSP with major sensory issues like me, let go of fashion and wear your coziest leggings and fleece on the plane. Dress in layers to make yourself comfortable. Comfy clothes can help bring us HSPs a sense of ease when we’re entering into the unknown.

HSP Travel Tip #6: Pack these HSP must-haves.

Since many of us HSPs are sensitive to things like odors, fragrance, noise, and bright lights, there are a few small items that I recommend packing that can support us when we’re feeling overwhelmed by our senses. After hiking in Spain in 2017, I made a short video titled “6 Must-Haves for Your Camino If You’re a Highly Sensitive Person”. These must-haves are good HSP travel tips for any adventure.

HSP Travel Tip #7: Take alone time without shame.

If you already have a practice of taking alone time, then you know the profound impact personal time to recharge can have on your well-being. There’s no shame in asking for time to yourself when you need it. Know your boundaries and when too much is too much. You’ll be able to show up for yourself and those around you when you honor your needs.

HSP Travel Tip #8: Go with the flow and adventure of it.

Perhaps the most important of these HSP travel tips is to remember that travel is all about stepping into the unknown, learning, and growing. We can take precautions to mitigate unnecessary stress or stimulation. But we can really only plan so much. When you say yes to travel, you enter into a learning experience with a wild teacher. You may have signed up for a class, but you never fully know what every detail of the syllabus is going to look like until you’re in it. Remember that the adventure is what makes traveling fun and helps us to grow.

If you want to join other HSPs and introverts like you for an adventure of a lifetime, be the first to hear about our 2020 HSP & Introvert Retreats by subscribing to my emails.

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

by | Apr 7, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Self Care

If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP), you know that developing emotional regulation as an HSP can be challenging at times.

As HSPs, we feel our emotions deeply. Whether we feel anger, excitement, or sadness, emotions fill us up viscerally and can impact our well-being. Our profound empathy can lead us to feel the emotions of those around us and we may find it difficult to set healthy boundaries.

HSPs are highly attuned to the subtle nuances of our surrounding environments, not just emotions. We process information at an exceptional level of depth. Thus, we may be easily overwhelmed by information and sensory stimulation of daily living.

Not all of us are taught how to respond to challenge and regulate our emotions early in life. The absence of self-regulation skills can make it challenging to develop a sense of emotional regulation as an HSP in adulthood.

But if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity, emotional regulation as an HSP doesn’t have to be so difficult.  

Since it’s essential to learn effective tools for self-care and emotional regulation in order for HSPs to cultivate emotional balance, I’ve gathered expert tips from psychologists, authors, and coaches on how to use your sensitivity as a strength for coping with intense emotional and life challenges.

Be sure to read through to the very end to take full advantage of all resources and profound wisdom of our HSP experts.

Emotional Regulation as an HSP: 10 Experts Offer Advice

Emotional Regulation Tip #1: Set intentions daily for energy, meaning, and joy

“It’s a heck of a lot easier to maintain emotional regulation as an HSP than having to find and regain it. This particular Highly Sensitive Introvert technique keeps me grounded. I’m less anxious, more productive, and I can “unhook” more easily in those challenging I’d-rather-not-be-me-in-this-moment emotional situations.

Develop a list of easy-to-answer daily intention setting questions. These questions should get at which feelings you want to experience and what would make the day meaningful. By drawing on your sensitivity to get clarity about who you want to be today and what you would like to contribute, you give yourself the emotional roadmap and destination you need to stay oriented (even when you start to get flustered) so you can access your best self and find your way through. Need an example to get started? Read 10 questions I ask daily.”

—Eva Rubin, LCSW/MPH, Certified Massage Therapist, HighlySensitiveIntrovert.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #2: Take a step back to gain perspective

“When distressed by world events, step back. You are witnessing interesting times. The earth is flowering into an amazing place, dominated by our species’ growing numbers and technology. It will inevitably wilt someday, whenever we run out of resources, but now or later? Will we grow up enough to take some charge of our planet? Slow climate change? Can we consider other species needs? We know fairly exactly the numbers and behaviors of almost all large animals on earth, from elk to tigers, as well as what they need. Now what? Okay, it can be very distressing to watch what is happening. But seen from another perspective, isn’t it amazing to be alive today, witnessing this?

Take downtime…Yearly, weekly, and daily down times. I do two hours a day of rest and meditation and no work or use of the computer after dinner. Aim for one week off a month and one month off a year. Now, six months in a lifetime? To get that time, say no when necessary. No one knows but you when you need to set a limit. Don’t be the reason, by saying yes when you need to say no, that people you care for quite unwittingly cause you stress.”

Watch Sensitive: The Untold Story

—Elaine Aron, Psychologist & Author of The Highly Sensitive Person: How to Thrive When the World Overwhelms You, HSPerson.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #3: Sit with your emotions

“I am no stranger to the emotional highs and lows that accompany being highly sensitive. One of the things that has helped me the most with emotional regulation as an HSP is taking a Taoist approach to my emotional and energetic ups and downs. I flow with the river of my own cycles, instead of constantly fighting against them. When I am feeling moody and introspective, I honor that feeling by spending time alone doing gentle activities. I also make a conscious effort to sit with my emotions and truly feel them. I no longer fear that taking time to process my feelings and experiences makes me lazy or selfish. I simply accept that my emotions will ebb and flow like water. And that’s okay.”

—Michaela Chung, Author of The Year of The Introvert & Creator of IntrovertSpring.com

Emotional Regulation Tip # 4: Label your emotions

“I’ve always been a very sensitive person. I always seemed to feel too much. As a child, when the teacher scolded another student, I could feel the tension within my body as if I myself were being scolded. As an adult, I often take on the emotions of the people around me. For example, when my partner is feeling grumpy or stressed, I start to feel that way, too.

One thing that has helped me with emotional regulation as an HSP is to name them. Research shows that by naming our feelings, we can scale them down to size. For example, I might say to myself, “You’re feeling stressed right now because you have a lot of work to get done in a short amount of time.” Or, “You feel tense because your partner is tense.” Taking a moment to be aware of my mental state, and labeling the feeling, helps me better control my reactions.”

—Jenn Granneman, Author of The Secret Lives of Introverts: Inside Our Hidden World & Founder of IntrovertDear.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #5: Ask yourself, “Whose emotion am I feeling?”

“Highly sensitive people tend to go on sensory overload since they can become emotional sponges. They take on the angst and joy of the world. In The Empath’s Survival Guide, I discuss how important it is to get in the habit of asking yourself this question: Is this emotion or energy mine or someone else’s? If if belongs to another person begin breathing deep and slow to release the toxic energy from your system. Then practice the 3-minute heart meditation where your focus on something you love and put your hand over your heart center in the middle of your chest. This will center you and quickly release any negative energy.”

—Judith Orloff MD, Psychiatrist & Author of The Empath’s Survival Guide: Life Strategies for Sensitive People, DrJudithOrloff.com  

Emotional Regulation Tip #6: Improve your critical, creative thinking skills.

“Sensory Processing Sensitivity is fundamentally activated by emotions. We receive stimulation from an external source and immediately feel an emotion. We begin to process that emotion more elaborately than those without the trait. Most of us haven’t been taught to practice high-quality thinking that is grounded in universal standards such as clarity, precision, accuracy, relevance, significance, depth, breadth, logic, and fairness. Thus, we often practice a shallower type of thinking that is either primarily egocentric (“how does this affect me in the here and now?”) or sociocentric (“I’ll just go along with everyone else to get along”).  

Emotion regulation implies that we have a greater command of our executive center, which is at the heart of questioning the emotions we experience. When we’re able to embrace a thought process that is critical and creative, self-monitoring and self-corrective, and do so as a lifelong practice, we may well be on the way to better regulation of our often strong, intense emotions.

A great place to begin exploring how to improve your thinking is CriticalThinking.org. I highly recommend two books: Critical Thinking: Tools for Taking Charge of your Professional and Personal Life, by Richard Paul and Linda Elder (2014) and Learning to Think Things Through, by Gerald Nosich (2011). Both are powerful introductions to how you can improve your thinking skills.”

—Dr. Tracy Cooper, Researcher, Author, and Higher Education Professional, DrTracyCooper.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #7: Clean up what’s not working

“Changing how you feel about feelings as a highly sensitive person can help you in endless ways. We are taught that feeling bad is a bad thing, that you should have control of your emotions, and if you don’t, there’s something wrong with you.

Emotions are not meant to be controlled; they’re meant to be felt. Ignoring emotions, stuffing how you feel, and avoiding the root cause can lead to emotional destruction. However, the emotion itself is not to blame. Your emotions are intuitive tools to help you recognize how you’re feeling and bring attention to what is making you feel that way. Once you notice what you notice, focus on what you can do something about and make any needed changes.

As a sensitive, it’s your nature to feel deeply. Embrace your emotions as intuitive signals. Let them guide you along your path. Shift your mindset to use your emotions to help you clean up what’s not working in your life for less stress and you’ll open up space for more peace and happiness.”

—Nicole Isler, Self-Empowerment Coach at NicoleIsler.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #8: Connect with those who bring you comfort

“One of the most powerful ways HSPs can use their sensitivity to build emotional resilience is to use our finely tuned empathy for others. Often we feel we need solitude to emotionally regulate — and we do— but as humans, we also have an innate need to connect with others. Our nervous systems are biologically designed to co-regulate.

For years, I struggled to find others who soothed my highly sensitive nervous system. I didn’t have a calming partner and children are not good options for emotional support. I felt guilty or weak for being sensitive and unable to “successfully” juggle life’s demands. Through my desire to understand the inner workings of myself and others, I began to connect with others more deeply. The more I connected, the more I felt understood, centered, and calm. And interestingly, more comforting people entered my life.

By using our ability to sense others’ feelings and needs, we’re able to connect on a deeper level. When we feel overwhelmed or in need of emotional care, connecting with others we trust can be calming and comforting. It brings us back to equanimity. My advice is to use our positive deep connections with others to regulate our sensitive nervous systems.

—Brenda Knowles, Personal & Relationship Coach & Author of The Quiet Rise of Introverts, BrendaKnowles.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #9: Inform yourself about sensitivity to express your needs

Many HSPs are told as children that there is something wrong with them for being sensitive, and thus, their self-esteem suffers. It’s imperative for parents of HSCs to learn how to raise a sensitive child so that they don’t feel shame for their sensitivity. Parents should read The Highly Sensitive Child by Dr. Elaine Aron. If they have a sensitive boy, my book, The Strong Sensitive Boy, deals with unique challenges for sensitive boys.

Many adult HSPs don’t feel comfortable stating their needs. How can HSPs get their emotional needs met if they don’t express themselves? I encourage my clients to immerse themselves in HSP literature and groups to raise their self-esteem. Watch Sensitive the Movie. There are Meetup groups, gatherings, Facebook pages, and Yahoo chat groups for HSPs. The more that we learn to love our trait, the easier it will be for us to state our emotional needs.

When I was writing, The HSP Survival Guide in 2003, I felt shame when some responded that it was a silly title for a book. I can now state that I’m proud to be a sensitive man. As HSPs learn to embrace their sensitivity, they’ll easily be able to regulate their emotions by stating their needs rather than trying to fit in with the 80 percent non-HSP culture. Another resource is my book The Power of Sensitivity, which includes 44 stories from HSPs from 10 different countries who used their sensitivity to overcome emotional challenges and assert their power as HSPs.

—Dr. Ted Zeff, Author of The HSP Survival Guide, The Strong Sensitive Boy, and The Power of Sensitivity, DrTedZeff.com

Emotional Regulation Tip #10: Show sensitivity to yourself with kindness

“When I was first asked to contribute to this important article I kindly declined the invitation. I felt that I couldn’t possibly contribute to such a piece when emotion regulation was something I struggled with myself. I thought that surely an expert contributor must be someone who has all those emotional ups and downs smoothed out nicely into a gently meandering path through life.  

In the process of sharing my doubts, I noticed myself alternating between having cruel thoughts towards myself for being “so useless” to having compassionate thoughts for being “understandably afraid”. At that moment, it dawned on me that where my sensitivity can help the most is when it is shown toward myself in the forms of self-love, self-acceptance, self-compassion, and self-forgiveness.

Whether it’s my emotional ups and down’s, my self-doubt that holds me back from contributing, or any other struggle I might face as an HSP, I can navigate these challenges more easily if I am gentle, kind and patient with myself. Showing sensitivity to myself helps me find emotional balance and frees me to be my best.”

—Janine Ramsey, Licensed Counselor for HSP Women & Founder of Sensitivity Style, JanineRamsey.com.au

The last tip in this series really hit home for me. Having struggled with self-criticism myself, I know the power of opening our hearts to ourselves with the same genuine, sensitive compassion we show to others.

I encourage you to access the wealth of resources noted in this article to help you develop the skills for emotional regulation as an HSP.

And if you’re interested in connecting with other HSPs in beautiful locations around the world, consider attending one of my retreats for introverts and sensitive souls. Our Mexico Retreat for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts + Snorkel with Whale Sharks is just around the corner and filling up fast.

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as an HSP

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as an HSP

by | Mar 24, 2018 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

Do you struggle to manage performance anxiety as a highly sensitive person? Despite it being quite common to feel anxious about things like public speaking and musical performances, it still feels like a mystery to so many of us when it comes to how we manage performance anxiety effectively.

Highly sensitive people may be more susceptible to performance anxiety. Our very have very active minds, as well as our tendencies to self-criticize and experience sensory overwhelm can make performance anxiety worse. Let me illustrate with a story.

Recently, I had the privilege of presenting for the Quiet Collective Conference, an online conference specifically for introverted women building businesses to change the world.

What you don’t know is just how dreadful my process was leading up to that event in managing my performance anxiety.

The topic I presented was on building sensitive courage and overcoming anxiety as an introverted entrepreneur. When asked to present, I felt a little anxious, but thought, “This is my life. I can do this,” and agreed.

Here’s the thing. I don’t know if it’s my high sensitivity, introversion, or anxiety–perhaps a combination, but there are moments when I struggle to articulate myself despite being able to at other times. It can be really frustrating when my knowledge and experience doesn’t come out of my mouth the way I wish it would.

So much goes on in my mind. The depth of processing information that happens in my brain easily takes me off on a tangent. Well, this is exactly what happened the first time I tried to record the conference with the organizer, Casey.

A couple of slides in, I got flustered and froze, and I asked to stop.

I felt frazzled by the interface of my computer, the slides, and the camera. I hadn’t yet figured out how to manage my performance anxiety in this realm because the interface of online presentations was new to me. Despite my experience delivering eulogies, my grad school commencement speech, and teaching yoga, I couldn’t talk to a computer.

When I got offline that night, I cried. I felt like a failure and the self-criticism began to sneak into my psyche. At the same time, I knew I could get a handle on my thoughts and manage my performance anxiety.

Thankfully, the organizer offered me an opportunity to give it another go. The second time my presentation was a success. It wasn’t perfect, but I was able to roll with it and be myself.

I’d like to share with you how I managed my performance anxiety.

How to Manage Performance Anxiety as a Highly Sensitive Person

1) Reframe anxiety. Work with anxiety rather than against it. Anxiety doesn’t have to be all bad. By working with anxiety, we can start to see anxiety differently allowing it to exist while moving on with our lives. I wrote a blog about this that you may find helpful: “Feeling Anxious? How to Cognitively Reframe Anxiety”

2) Let go of perfection. Just before I redid my online presentation, my dad told me, “Even if things don’t go well, it’s not the end of the world.” We make mistakes and mess up, but life continues. And usually, the only one who really remembers is us.

3) Be yourself. You know what really helped me manage my performance anxiety? I gave myself permission to mess up and fumble with my words. So when it happened during my presentation, I was able to correct myself, make a joke, and continue.

4) Apply grounding skills. I used a grounding technique from a therapeutic technique called Brainspotting, specifically, the “Resource Model”. I explain how this technique works here: “A Mindfulness Exercise to Cope with Anxiety“. Any grounding techniques you find beneficial will do.

5) Change your self-talk. Remember you’ve got what it takes. My partner reminded me of this the evening when I had a meltdown. He asked me, “What would you say to me if I were in your shoes?” He used my own tools to support me. Be kind to yourself the way you would to a friend.

It’s funny, as I write this, I’m preparing for my upcoming retreats to Peru. I’m feeling a bit nervous wanting everything to go “right”. But then I remember that nothing ever goes exactly as planned. It’s all part of the adventure and what’s give our lives meaning…something so many of use sensitive people dig.

Do you struggle to manage performance anxiety as a highly sensitive person? If so, in what circumstances and how do you manage performance anxiety? Feel free to drop a comment below.

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

by | Mar 24, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, Self Care

There are specific things highly sensitive people need to practice good self-care. Yes, self-care is important for everyone, but highly sensitive people tend to have specific needs. If we don’t take time for these things, we can easily wear ourselves down to the bone.

When we take a look at what it means to be a highly sensitive person, we start to understand that we’re frequently inundated by stimulating experiences that overload our senses. If you’re at all like me, the simplest things like the fluorescent lights of an office space or bustling activities of the grocery store can leave you feeling depleted.

As highly sensitive people, we’re deeply attuned to our environments and we take in a lot of information. We process stimuli at a deeper level physically, mentally, and emotionally. We’re also prone to feeling more intensely and absorbing the emotions of others.

When it all becomes too much, we tend to isolate ourselves in order to recharge. The challenge is that if we spend too much time alone or inside, we start to feel disconnected, as we may still lack the things we need as highly sensitive people to take care of ourselves.  

As I’ve come to learn more about how my high sensitivity impacts my life, I’ve been better able to understand the self-care I need to keep myself healthy and anxiety-free. Once we practice these simple means of self-care, we’re able to step into the strength of our sensitivity.

8 Things Highly Sensitive People Need for Self-Care

1. Scheduled recharge time. Highly sensitive people need time to recharge after extensive socializing or intense sensory experiences. While we’re not always at liberty to take time when we need it, we can do our best to schedule it when possible. As an example, for my two Peru retreats, I’ll be “on” the entire time. I scheduled a week in between them to give myself ample time to rest and be able to hold space for the next group. Plan ten minutes to lie down in a quiet room after a day of work. Schedule alone time before parties and avoid back-to-back activities to get the downtime you need.

2. Enjoyable sensory experiences. There are plenty of unenjoyable sensory experiences in the external world. Motorcycles, overpowering fragrances, and uncomfortable textures get me. Since we are so aware of the subtle, it’s important to bring the sensory experiences that we do enjoy to our lives. Chill out with your favorite music, give yourself a massage, or breathe in the smell of fresh herbs. Soft, cozy clothes go a long way for this gal.

3. Connection with people who listen. One of the things highly sensitive people need most, which can sometimes go overlooked, is connection. We don’t need a lot of people, but a few close friends who we feel can offer us the same level of empathy and genuine care that we offer them goes a long way. This can be tough for us to take time when we feel drained. But it’s important to make time for the relationships that nourish us and learn how to connect more deeply. 

4. Permission to take time to process information and emotions. As highly sensitive people, we process at a much greater depth than our non-sensitive peers. This means our brains are integrating complex ideas and it may take time to arrive at ideas or answers. Don’t expect that others will extend permission to process at your own pace to you. As highly sensitive people, we need to give ourselves permission that it’s okay to take our time. Then, we must let others know that we need a little time to process and will follow up once we’ve taken that time.

5. Minimalism. Minimalistic practices can really help highly sensitive people create calming environments. When we have too much stuff in our lives, we are prone to stress and visual and mental overstimulation. Think about it, when we have more things in our environment, we’re more easily distracted or worried about attending to those things. Decluttered, calm spaces can give highly sensitive people space to breathe.

6. Connection with nature. The natural world offers highly sensitive people an opportunity to connect with our senses and unwind our minds. Nature can help us to reduce stress and restore calm by giving us quiet solitude and a time to breathe nourishing oxygen into our bodies. If you don’t have time for a hike or retreat, take just a few minutes outside to feel your feet on the ground or the sun or rain on your skin.

7. Healthy food. Highly sensitive people may notice heightened sensitivities to certain foods or find that alcohol, caffeine, or sugar takes a toll on our bodies. This doesn’t mean we need to adopt rigid diets and eliminate the foods we love. But as highly sensitive people, we can really benefit from preparing and eating fresh, colorful foods that feed our senses in a multitude of ways. Likewise, drinking plenty of water is important.

8. Meaning. One of the things highly sensitive people need more than anything is a sense of meaning in our lives. Meaning makes life beautiful for us sensitive souls and it can come in many forms. We may have jobs that feel meaningful, but I wouldn’t call that self-care. There are other ways we find meaning. We crave meaningful conversation with others, but also love discovering meaning in our own solitary practices such as yoga or art.

There are some things highly sensitive people need to show up for themselves and others. It’s vital that we take time to do the things that warm our hearts and give us energy. Sometimes we need time alone and sometimes we need connection. 

If you want to connect with highly sensitive people like you who understand your needs, consider adventuring with us from July 29th to August 4th, 2018 on a Mexico Retreat for Highly Sensitive People & Introverts + Snorkel with Whale Sharks! 

 

Highly Sensitive Relationships: How to Connect Deeply

Highly Sensitive Relationships: How to Connect Deeply

by | Mar 17, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships

What do you think is most important in highly sensitive relationships?

I often hear people say that things like communication, honesty, and respect are the most important. While these are certainly important pillars of any relationship, none of them are possible without one key ingredient. And this one ingredient happens to be of particular importance in highly sensitive relationships. I’ll share with you what this vital ingredient is, but I’d like to illustrate with a personal story.

Recently, my partner and I were out of town visiting my grandparents for a few days. During our stay, there was an instance in which our political differences surfaced. The circumstances were such that we didn’t have an opportunity to talk about the issue at the time.

Upon arriving home, my grandfather sent me an email curiously inquiring about the matter. My partner and I replied with a carefully thought out, respectful response. Despite trying our best to speak to some of our common ground, I knew our perspective differed from theirs and that they might feel offended, even angry. But this is the email I received:

“Lissey, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. We appreciated your response to our question. You certainly have a gift in your writing skills.

Yes, we have widely divergent views on so many social and political issues. So wide that we feel it’s best not to attempt a comprehensive response. The risk of misunderstanding is too high plus the breach is so wide I don’t see any hope for resolve on any of the issues.

We respect your views, as I’m sure you do ours. So let’s just leave it all here, continue our usual dialogues, and know that we truly love one another.

Love you lots, Grandpa and Grandma”

There’s something in his email that goes beyond communication, respect, and honesty, even though that’s all there. And that something is the reason I, as a highly sensitive person, can feel so close to my grandfather in our relationship.

What’s Most Important in Highly Sensitive Relationships?

Connection is the most important ingredient in highly sensitive relationships. While this might sound basic, connection is the bond that allows us to feel a sense of mutual understanding, warmth, and compassion for one another.

So often we get bogged down in attempting to communicate about difficult matters before we have what we need in the relationship for that to happen. As highly sensitive people, we’re hyper-aware of the subtleties that often lie behind words, body language, and facial expressions. If we don’t feel connected, it can be really hard to communicate respectfully because we may feel separate, wounded, or inauthentic.

Once we have the connection need met in our relationships, then communication, respect, and honesty can actually flow with greater ease, maybe even come naturally.

My grandfather recognized that we spent three days talking, listening, and connecting with one another about all kinds of subject matters and felt close in so many meaningful ways. He made a conscious choice to focus on that which connects us and recognized that we have mutual respect for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that sharing diverse perspectives through respectful dialogue has an important place in our relationships and we need to learn how to deal with difficult feelings. But it is essential for both people to feel connected first. While I entirely understand and respect my grandfather’s suggestion that we stay focused on our current ways of connecting, I also do believe that the genuine connection we do share would lend itself to deeper dialogue about differences.

But what do we do when we feel we’re lacking connection in highly sensitive relationships?

How to Connect Deeply in Highly Sensitive Relationships

Deep connection in highly sensitive relationships is something I write about at length, but here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Get clarity on whether deep down you want a connection with the person. As highly sensitive people, sometimes we think we ought to connect with someone when deep down there’s a part of us that’s resisting connection. You may have some feelings you’ve concealed or perhaps the relationship doesn’t warrant the effort. Take time to ask yourself if you really want to deepen the connection and why you want this connection. Reflecting like this helps us come to relationships authenticity, which is crucial for highly sensitive people.

2. Take responsibility if you played a part in creating distance. Sometimes we put up walls without even realizing it. We get defensive, self-righteous, and blame others. Connection comes from both people owning any responsibility they bear in widening the relationship divide. Let this be part of both your inner work, as well as any dialogue you have. Own your part and let this person know you’d like to work on connecting.

3. Come to the relationship with a genuine level of interest and compassion for the other person. Empathy comes naturally for many highly sensitive people, but we can struggle with it if we’re feeling disconnected. Our defenses pop up when we feel wounded. But the other may feel similarly. A little humility and sincere desire to compassionately understand another person can go a long way. Allow yourself to be open to the other person’s experience.

4. Make eye contact when you communicate. Staring at the floor or ceiling during an argument is likely to lead to further disconnection. It’s really easy for me to get wrapped up in my mind and mood when my eyes are on something other than the person in front of me. Mindfully make eye contact so that you can attune to the other person’s fear, hurt, or vulnerability when it’s there. Looking another in the eye can help us to connect.

5. Take time for activities you enjoy together. Twenty years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad and I were seeing a counselor in an effort to connect better. She advised us to do something else besides go to dinner and talk. She knew our dinner conversations inevitably led us down a destructive path, so she suggested playing a game or going to a show. Do something fun together that allows you to enjoy one another’s company with a little levity. I love how serious I am as a sensitive person at times, but I have to balance my depth out with some frivolous fun from time to time.

Connection doesn’t have to be as difficult with people that are different from us if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity. How do you connect in relationships as a highly sensitive person? Leave a comment below.

Looking for concrete tools and dialogues to connect more deeply in highly sensitive relationships? Overcome communication problems, open up, get close, and create fulfilling relationships with my Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.

How do you connect as a highly sensitive person in your relationships? Leave a comment below!

Mindful Camino Lesson #2: Pain is a Teacher

Mindful Camino Lesson #2: Pain is a Teacher

by | Sep 27, 2017 | Anxiety, Grief and Loss, Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Self Care, Trauma, Travel

Today I’d like to share a few ways I see pain as one of my greatest teachers.

If you’re human, you’ve experienced pain… many kinds of pain. Loss of a loved one. A broken bone. A break-up. Discrimination. Chronic illness. Bullying. An absent parent.

Sensitive people can be particularly affected by pain. We’re more susceptible to stimulation, and we feel it on multiple levels.

That said, we also have a special skill in transforming pain into the fuel that makes our lives meaningful. I saw this within myself during my recent knee injury while hiking the Camino de Santiago. When pain struck, I used it to learn and make sense of my experience.

So what does pain teach us?

 

1. Pain teaches us resilience.

Sometimes it feels like it’s too much to bear. You may know that feeling intimately.

My knee pain was excruciating, but it paled in comparison to the sudden loss of my mother. Yet, the physical pain on my Camino reminded me of just how much we can endure, particularly if we have healthy coping skills at our disposal.

I met a German woman one day. In the few minutes we chatted, I learned she was carrying her husband’s ashes. He had hiked the Camino de Santiago annually since 2009 until his passing in 2016. This was powerful for me, as the thought of losing my partner is something that makes me anxious. Her sense of ease in carrying him with her made me realize just how strong we really are.

When we can sit with the challenges of our lives and incorporate it into our sense of strength and resilience, we become empowered beings that can handle almost anything.

2. Pain teaches us to listen.

It alerts us to a problem and urges us to listen.

It would have been wise to listen to my body sooner. But I was intent on finding a solution so I could keep walking. Meanwhile, I ignored the call from my body to take rest and made it worse.

Far too often we ignore the physical and emotional pain of our lives. We cope by working harder. We turn to alcohol and drugs as a temporary fix. We’re too good for our own good as we frantically help others while ignoring ourselves.

One of my yoga teachers, Morgan Lee, once said to listen to yellow lights to prevent injury. I’ll take this further and say that yellow lights come in many forms. Sometimes it’s a warning from your body. But maybe it’s a sign that you’re overloading your plate. Or maybe it’s a sign that it’s time to let go of that relationship that feels destructive or imbalanced.

3. Pain teaches us presence

On the Camino de Santiago, it’s very easy to get into “pilgrim mode” of walking quickly without taking time to talk to a local or notice the purple flower growing out of the ground. My injury forced me to pause and appreciate the beauty around me. And when I took the time to notice something other than myself, it helped me manage my pain.

Emotional pain is no different. When we power through or ignore it, we often miss an opportunity. If we allow ourselves to feel pain, then we can tap into a collective experience that all living beings share. When we are present with pain and notice how it shows up, we have an opportunity to reflect and transform it.

4. Pain teaches us gratitude

I caregive for a woman who had a stroke five years ago and spends her days sitting in a chair. She and her husband used to hike and travel all over the world. Now he goes alone.

While she has good days and bad days, she frequently talks about being thankful for her family and travel experiences. She’s thankful for the days when she’s not in as much pain. I thought of her a lot during my Camino.

I felt grateful for my ability to walk despite the pain. I felt grateful for the moment. I felt grateful for my breath, my eyes, and my ears. I felt grateful for the earth and trees, and all of the things that are more powerful than pain. I felt grateful for the small moments I photographed (see below).

Ultimately, that gratitude is what led me to stop my Camino. I thought of this woman and how her Camino shifted to an “inner camino” years ago.

That, my friends, is what the Camino de Santiago is all about for me. It was never about arriving, but about how we face ourselves and live as the highest expression of who we can be.

What have you learned from pain in your life? I’d love to hear from you if you feel inclined to share.

Mindful Camino Lesson #1: Lighten Your Load

Mindful Camino Lesson #1: Lighten Your Load

by | Sep 26, 2017 | Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Self Care, Travel

Last week, I returned from hiking the famous Camino de Santiago in Spain, but I never made it to Santiago.

Over the next few days, I’ll share with you what happened along with some Mindful Camino Lessons I learned along the way that just might resonate with you. 

But let me first explain the Camino de Santiago and my purpose for hiking it.

The Camino de Santiago was traditionally a religious pilgrimage to the city of Santiago de Compostela, the alleged burial site of the apostle St. James. Camino pilgrims hike the many different Caminos for many different reasons.

The Camino I chose was the Camino Primitivo, which is off the beaten path with beautiful natural landscapes. It seemed to be the most introvert-friendly, and in theory, I could hike it in under two weeks. The Camino Primitivo also happens to be the most physically challenging Camino.

My purpose for hiking the Camino was to have introspective time in nature. I wanted to know how I’d feel hiking alone for a long period of time–how my mind and body would respond. I’ve traveled solo quite a bit over the years. Each time I do, I’m reminded of my own strength and resilience. I was at a place in my life where I was craving that reminder again.

I got that reminder and much more.

One thing I realized is sensitive folks like me have a knack for tuning into the silver lining of challenging experiences and making deep meaning out of them.

Despite the setbacks that caused me to terminate my Camino early, I learned a great deal in the short time I hiked this epic journey. I’d like to share those tidbits of wisdom with you this week.

Mindful Camino Lesson #1: Lighten your load (even more)

What are you carrying in your pack?

As an introspective person who faces anxiety, these are questions I ask myself regularly in my practice of self-care. But this inquiry was incessant during my recent trek of the Camino de Santiago.

The Camino forces you to examine the physical and emotional baggage you carry. I believe it’s one of the key lessons the Camino has to teach us.

For me, I get that less is more. I’ve lived out of the country for two years with everything I needed in a backpack. I value minimalism and I thought I was good at keeping my load light.

But there’s almost always something more we can unload. And we carry baggage in many forms, all of which I believe contributes to greater anxiety.

Starting to Let Go of Heavy Baggage

I carefully sorted through my backpack multiple times before my trip to pare down extra weight, as I knew I’d be hiking 20-30 kilometers per day. Yet, I was convinced each item was necessary.

On Day 1, a knee issue that has visited periodically over the last five years crept in on me. I found myself almost unable to walk at the end of the day. The struggle persisted over the next couple of days. And as I struggled, I realized I was bogged down by the weight of my pack.

As soon as I arrived in a town with a post office, I sent six pounds of belongings to some friends in Madrid. I also started carrying less water and food. My pack was lighter, but it wasn’t enough.

The pain continued. Many Camino pilgrims told me it was normal and my body would adjust. I wasn’t so sure. But I listened to them and continued experimenting to continue walking.

I tried sending my pack from one town to another so I could walk without carrying my baggage. I felt free and light at the start of this day, but eventually, the pain came back.

Why was I so set on continuing my trek and what else could I let go of at this point?

How Emotional Baggage Causes Us Pain

Before starting my Camino, I visited a friend in the south of Spain. One day we were talking about expectations of others. I said I felt that I let someone in my life down just before I left. He said, “Your pack might be light, but you arrived with baggage.”

My friend was right. He encouraged me to communicate with this person. I did… and to my surprise, this person responded in an understanding manner. A weight was lifted.

But was it?

One thing that became clear to me during my long walks was how much of my anxiety comes from the expectations of others, and probably more importantly, the expectations I put on myself with respect to others. And well, I could also add the expectations I have of others.

As an introvert, I often get overwhelmed with social obligations and family expectations. I hold high expectations for myself to be able to be a better yoga teacher. I judge myself for letting go of social work and not doing enough for social justice. The list goes on…

If I don’t check myself, I can easily get caught up in a cycle of needing to be all things to all people, including myself.

And well, these expectations showed up on the Camino. I was subconsciously carrying emotional weight and it was permeating my experience.

I expected a lot from my body. I expected it to be able to climb up and down mountains with little preparation, as it did ten years ago. I expected my mind to be able to handle the challenges and thought all this would require was mind over matter. I expected to be able to work through any discomfort. I expected the people around me to be right when they said my pain would go away after a few days.

I carried the weight of expectation in a range of forms during my Camino. I cried the day I let it go. And then, I realized that I felt lighter as I let go of the pressure I put on myself.

The pain in my knees did not go away, but I was able to move into the Camino my body and soul were asking of me.

Take a deep breath and ask yourself these questions:

  1. What is weighing you down?
  2. What does it feel like?
  3. Who are you carrying it for?
  4. What would happen if you let it go?

Below I’ve shared a video of my thoughts on baggage during my Camino.

I’d love to hear from you if you feel inclined to share your process of “shedding baggage” and “lightening your load”. 

How Trauma-Informed Yoga Can Help Highly Sensitive People

How Trauma-Informed Yoga Can Help Highly Sensitive People

by | Aug 24, 2017 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Trauma, Yoga

The following article was originally published on Introvert, Dear under the title “7 Reasons Trauma-Informed Yoga Is Perfect for Introverts and HSPs”.

I almost walked out of a yoga class last winter.

As an introvert and a highly sensitive person (HSP), I’m quick to experience sensory overload. Too much stimulus makes me anxious.

If you’re sensitive like me, you may find it ironic that a practice based on quieting the mind can be so stimulating in a lot of studios these days.

As a yoga teacher myself, I want to share with you the secret to finding yoga studios and classes that offer calmer experiences. First, I’ll tell you what happened that made me want to run.

Overstimulation in Yoga

The snow came in spades that weekend. After introverting for days, I decided to try a new studio in my neighborhood.

I walked into a heated room with yoga mats crammed together all facing a wall of mirrors. The music was so loud that I could barely hear the teacher, which was a shame because what I did hear was helpful. Then repeated snapping of her fingers started…and I wanted to run.

I was adjusted in poses rather forcefully without her knowing the inner workings of my body — and without consent. This sensory overload contributed to a stressful experience, the opposite effect of what we aim for in yoga.

We all have preferences when it comes to yoga. Thus, I say this not to criticize, but to hopefully bring to light some alternative options for the sensitive person. The secret I give students is to seek out trauma-informed teachers.

What is Trauma-Informed Yoga?

Trauma-informed yoga is an approach that bears in mind that any student coming to a class may have experienced trauma, and some aspects of yoga can be re-traumatizing. The approach offers a framework for creating a safe space in which students can connect with their breath and increase body awareness.

When I began thinking about what makes yoga trauma-informed, I realized the same principles are perfect for introverts and HSPs. I’m not grouping introverts and HSPs with trauma survivors, but the overlap in how we require safe space is noteworthy.

I teach yoga at a great trauma-informed studio in the Chicago Loop called Room to Breathe Chicago. It’s been built by sensitive souls, and you can expect to walk into any class and have a calming experience. I actually teach all my classes this way, as I believe we all benefit from becoming more mindful of one another’s boundaries in a world that often feels stifling and disrespectful.

If you’re a sensitive person who is new to yoga, or you’ve had a negative experience, I highly suggest looking for teachers trained in trauma-informed yoga and studios that have missions that include language like “empowerment,” “gentle,” “choice,” “sensitive,” and “accessible.” Many trauma-informed teachers are indeed introverted or sensitive folks themselves.

Why Trauma-Informed Yoga Is Perfect for Introverts and HSPs

1. We provide options. We encourage choice, whether it’s taking rest or a variation of a pose. We focus on self-paced, dynamic movement that centers on body awareness and breath rather than rigid dogma or vigorous movement. When we use alignment cues, they’re to keep students safe and develop greater presence. Modifications are abundant in our classes.

2. We keep our music chill. Sometimes I don’t use music at all so students can focus on their breath. When I do use music, I opt for soft, calming melodies without many lyrics. Loud music in yoga creates what we call a “rajasic” experience, which, in this context, could be understood as overstimulating the nervous system, which results in exhaustion and imbalance.

3. We use minimal hands-on assists. We refrain from placing our hands on students unless we’ve built a relationship or the student clearly states they want adjustments. We use cards that students can flip over to indicate if they want assistance. We are conscientious about the adjustments we do offer. It’s your practice, and you should be able to move and breathe in community with respect for your personal space.

4. We avoid too much stimulation. If heat is going to be created in class, we facilitate that process from the inside out rather than lumping students together in a heated room. We’re careful to limit class sizes so students have personal space. We avoid too many visuals and smells. When so many of us are up in our head space all day long, we want to provide an opportunity to quiet the mind, not spin it into a tizzy of stress.

5. We are aware of our voices. It’s not that we all speak in soft voices, but we find the balance in strength and softness. Yoga is not a spinning class or boot camp. We offer more opportunities for silence and stillness.

6. We teach the essence of yoga. Our cuing weaves yogic philosophy and meaning into the practice in a way that is genuine and helps students connect to their experience. We support the positive effects yoga has on the body, but will never teach it as a group of poses to be conquered. We cultivate interoception, the sense responsible for detecting internal regulation responses within the body, such as respiration, heart rate, and other physical sensations.

7. We don’t teach with mirrors. Yoga certainly encourages reflection. Self-reflection. The internal reflection you find when you are deep in your breath and body, connected to your present experience.

Not all trauma-informed yoga teachers are introverts or HSPs, and not all introverted and sensitive yoga teachers are trauma-informed. Yet, the intersection I see is the keen awareness of what creates a calm, safe environment that nourishes students and fosters introspection.

Are you a highly sensitive/introverted/trauma-informed yoga instructor or a student that knows a teacher who is? If so, please get in touch with me at info@melissanoelrenzi.com. I would love to build my resource list worldwide to refer students appropriately.