Too Much Empathy? Try This Instead

Too Much Empathy? Try This Instead

by | Jan 11, 2024 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships

Do you ever feel like you have too much empathy?

Empathy is generally seen as a strength. It allows us to resonate with the emotions of others and understand their perspectives.

However, for highly sensitive people who are finely attuned to the emotions of others, sometimes empathy can feel like a burden.

Sharing in someone’s joy may be uplifting. Yet, absorbing their suffering can lead to feeling overwhelmed and helpless, prompting the need to detach.

Detachment is a natural response to emotional flooding. Some amount is necessary for us to function. But it can also signify what’s known as empathic distress, which we’ll discuss shortly.

Recognizing that empathic distress is common for highly sensitive people, my goal with this article is to provide insights into more beneficial ways to channel our empathic responses.

But first, let’s clear up a subtle but important distinction.

Cognitive vs. Emotional Empathy

The two primary types of empathy are cognitive and emotional.

Cognitive empathy, also called perspective-taking, is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Emotional, or affective, empathy is about actually sharing the feelings of another person.

I believe both kinds of empathy have a place, and like most things, are highly context-dependent. But in this article, whenever I mention “empathy”, I’ll be referring to emotional empathy.

Two Paths to Respond to Suffering

Empathy and compassion both describe how we react to suffering, but there’s a difference in the reactions they elicit.

Empathy involves feeling with others, and sharing in their emotional experiences.

Compassion, on the other hand, entails feeling for others, and is most often coupled with a desire to offer assistance.

The Science of Empathy vs. Compassion

Findings in neurological studies conducted by neuroscientists Tania Singer and Olga Klimecki, among others, have shown empathy to activate neural networks associated with a first-person experience of pain – as if the pain belonged to the empathizer. These neuroimages were also coupled with self-reported negative feelings.

According to Singer and Klimecki, empathic distress is a “strong aversive and self-oriented response to the suffering of others, accompanied by the desire to withdraw from a situation to protect oneself from excessive negative feelings.”

It’s that feeling of being so affected by another’s suffering that you feel it in your own body, and may even feel the need to detach from that suffering, in order to protect yourself.

In contrast to the first-person pain experience seen in empathy neuroimaging, compassion practitioners trained to notice the feelings of others and offer support show activations that are more other-focused, linked to prosocial behaviors, and altruism.

Compassion has also been shown to trigger neurological processes and neurotransmitters associated with positive feelings and affect.

Some suggest that empathy is limited in its capacity. We can only put ourselves in so many “other pairs of shoes” at one time. We might empathize with a few individuals, but would seriously struggle to extend this emotional connection to a group of thousands.

From this lens, it’s possible that the “feeling with” empathy we’re discussing can prevent us from effectively addressing the needs of a larger population.

Embracing Compassionate Response

Picture this: You feel concern for a friend’s pain while remaining grounded and aware of the distinction between their feelings and yours. Instead of absorbing their pain, and getting wrapped up in how that experience feels for you, you are able to be more present and available to be of help for what they’re going through.

A compassionate response is marked by feelings of genuine concern and warmth for another person along with a strong motivation to help them. This concern, the actions you take to address it, and the way it feels for you in the end, can amount to a much more effective response to suffering.

Whereas, a response that is rooted in empathy alone can often lead to a doubling of the total suffering and even reduce the likelihood of taking corrective action, due to empathic distress.

Strategies for Managing Empathy & Practicing Compassion 

I want to pause briefly here and address a possible misconception that I’m saying empathy is universally bad and should be discarded. That is not the case.

Empathy has served us well as human beings, and in fact many other Earthlings share this capacity besides just us. But, like many other things, what served us well in an ancient context can backfire in a modern context.

I don’t think that HSPs who experience a heightened empathy are in any way “bad” or in need of fixing themselves. It’s just that we need to be aware of where this can go wrong and do what we can to mitigate the harmful side effects.

That being said, I believe the cultivation of compassion can be an effective pathway to respond to suffering which also avoids compromising your own well-being.

It might involve setting healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional well-being, engaging in self-care routines, or actively participating in activities that promote positive change.

Pause to Acknowledge

Acknowledging suffering is a crucial initial step in practicing compassion because it lays the foundation for genuine understanding and connection. Pausing to recognize someone’s pain not only allows you to truly notice what they’re feeling, but it also gives you time to distinguish your own emotions from those of others. I offer a few concrete techniques for differentiating our emotions of self and others in my article, “How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions”.

Train Your Mind

Most studies have used contemplative practice and meditation as methods to train compassion. The Center for Healthy Minds is a non-profit founded by Dr. Richard Davidson, who has been a leader in contemplative practice and compassion research. They offer several free resources, including a compassion meditation training and a free Healthy Minds app to cultivate well-being.

Take Helpful Action

Not only is action important for the person, people, or cause, but it creates a positive feedback loop of compassionate response for the action taker. There is some evidence showing that people who have helped before are more likely to repeat these behaviors. Let’s build this habit.

Psychologist Susan Silk developed a model called Ring Theory as a guide for managing emotional support in a crisis. In a series of concentric circles, the person most directly affected is at the center. Around them are rings representing levels of emotional proximity. The idea is that those providing support offer comfort toward those in the center rings and seek support from those in outer rings to avoid burdening those at the center.

When you notice your emotional empathy kicking in, find which ring you’re on and direct your action somewhere toward the middle. The article I referenced by Adam Grant offers an example of using this theory in response to collective suffering.

When You’re Feeling Too Much Empathy…

Again, empathy isn’t intrinsically bad. But having too much, like anything, can lead to bad outcomes. Hopefully, by keeping watch on your empathy, and avoiding its overuse, you can prevent overwhelm and maintain well-being.

Remember that compassion offers a pathway to respond to suffering with genuine concern and assistance, without losing yourself in the process. Through compassion, we can better navigate our emotional landscapes and cultivate healthier relationships with ourselves and others.

A Guide to Balancing Social Action and Self-Care During the Holidays

A Guide to Balancing Social Action and Self-Care During the Holidays

by | Dec 14, 2023 | Activism, highly sensitive activism, HSP Relationships

Some love the holidays. Others struggle with grief, loneliness, broken family ties, or various pressures. Most of us experience a combination of both joy and sorrow.

This year, these personal challenges may be compounded by the grief that Palestinians, Israelis, and Jews are experiencing and the senseless division accompanying human suffering. Many of us can’t look away from the humanitarian crisis in Gaza.

When faced with this suffering, and other injustices weighing on our hearts, HSPs may have a tendency to disengage. Others may get so emotionally involved that it can feel almost wrong to experience joy or peace during the holidays, which, unfortunately, really do feel like luxuries these days.

For most of my life, I’ve navigated the balance of staying engaged in justice issues while preserving my well-being. I’ve struggled to participate in “normal” activities with my family and friends who may not be thinking or feeling as much as me.

So, how do we, as individuals navigating our own lives, strike a balance between engaging in supportive action while caring for our relationships and ourselves?

7 Practical Tips for Balancing Social Action and Self-Care

1) Acknowledge the universality of heightened emotions.

While you might be experiencing a whirlwind of emotions, it’s crucial to acknowledge that others around you may also be grappling with their own unique set of stresses, personal losses, and geopolitical fears.

Understanding that everyone carries their own burdens fosters a sense of shared humanity and collective empathy, even for those whose perspectives sharply differ from our own. By remembering that emotions are high, we can better navigate conversations with compassion and choose our actions wisely.

2) Don’t look away, but be mindful of what you consume.

The news can feel overwhelming to HSPs who tend toward absorbing the emotions and suffering of others. Yet, disengaging from the news is a privilege I’m not comfortable ignoring. I believe we bear a responsibility to stay informed for the sake of our communities and our ability to take effective action.

This doesn’t mean endless scrolling, or engaging with sensational headlines and talking heads. It’s important to choose when, where, and how you take in information.

Mindful engagement with the news may mean becoming aware of your reactions, setting time limits, and directing your attention toward long-form articles or academic panels. Content that involves deeper analysis and dialogue may also be less activating to your nervous system. Find a balance within your window of tolerance to avoid overwhelming your capacity to cope.

3) Nurture yourself in ways that permeate and endure.

Self-care extends beyond massages and Netflix. While these activities may be relaxing, they tend to serve as temporary distractions from the underlying causes that contribute to our stress in the first place, rather than actual self-care.

We do need ways to “turn off” sometimes, especially for HSPs with active minds who tend to overthink. We just can’t conflate these activities with self-care.

Genuine self-care involves creating space to feel and process our emotions. It’s tending to our needs, boundaries, and relationships. It’s taking an honest look at our capacity to discern where we can push ourselves and where to pull back. It’s getting intimate with our values and making choices that align them. It’s knowing our worth is inherent rather than tied to distractions we think will make us happy.

4) Take actions that align with you from a regulated state.

The intense emotions stirred by humanitarian crises and injustices can lead us into a sea of our own emotions, as well as relentless pressures and urgent calls from social media influencers.

It’s true that there are dire crises, like the one in Gaza, that require immediate attention. It’s also true that we can fall quickly into group think with polarizing algorithms that curate whatever forms of media we’re consuming. We really don’t all have to engage the same way or believe the exact same things. We need diverse forms of participation.

When it comes to balancing social action and self-care, it’s not only okay—it’s wise to have a little distance to calm your nervous system, learn, and gain clarity about ways you can contribute that align for you. It’s more sustainable for you and the movement in the long run.

5) Discern the moment for conversations that involve differing views.

Holiday gatherings often involve diverse perspectives. While we need to have honest dialogues across differences, you don’t have to engage in every discussion that presents itself. The “when” and “how” matter when it comes to having contentious conversations.

Recognize the power of speaking up and the power of stepping back. This doesn’t mean remaining silent in response to bigotry or playing nice to keep the peace. It means that you’re grounded enough to assess the setting and dynamics you’re in to discern how to respond if it’s the right time.

Polarized group dynamics are very unlikely to create the conditions for genuine curiosity and deep listening. One-to-one conversations are far more likely to be constructive.

6) Connect with supportive people.

It’s important to connect with like-minded communities who share in your care and purpose and with loved ones with whom we may not share the same views or focus.

Communities focused on shared issues can reduce isolation, provide belonging and solidarity, and offer space for processing a range of emotions, from grief to joy. We can cultivate resilience and better channel our empathy into meaningful actions.

At the same time, we also need supportive friends and family who differ in their perspectives and with whom we can connect in a variety of ways. Engaging in social action can take a toll. Having diverse relationships can offer balance and allow for a necessary break from intense work and emotions.

7) Carve out unstructured time to play.

Play is acting or exploring for the sake of enjoyment without a particular outcome and it has many benefits. Play not only allows for relaxation and creativity to flourish, but it also plays a pivotal role in preventing burnout. Carefree play triggers a release of endorphins, which can elevate your mood and provide a cognitive reset.

We’ve been conditioned out of play as adults, so we may need to intentionally set aside unstructured time to foster playfulness. Here are a few examples of unstructured play you can try:

  • Nature walk (no ear buds, following your body/senses rather than a path)
  • Dancing (free form, without concern for rhythm or moves)
  • Painting or drawing (contour – just moving w/o lifting the brush/pen)
  • Sitting on the ground and playing with or arranging nature items

As we aim to balance social action and self-care…

Let’s be mindful of how we engage, tap into the strength of our empathy, and allow for the full spectrum of emotions that accompany this time. Let’s also remember that engaging in social justice is not a solitary task and there are many diverse ways to contribute.

Speaking Up for Yourself: When and How to Do It

Speaking Up for Yourself: When and How to Do It

by | Dec 18, 2022 | Anxiety, HSP Relationships, Personal Growth

If you struggle with speaking up for yourself, you’re not alone.

You might worry about disappointing people if you say how you really feel. Maybe you’ve encountered dismissal or backlash when you’ve spoken up in the past.

You may also freeze in moments of conflict if you can’t quite verbalize your thoughts.

Speaking up is rarely easy, but it’s essential for your own well-being and for the health of your relationships.

Relationships are built on trust, and part of trust is being honest, even if it results in conflict. Bear in mind that there is nothing wrong with conflict and being able to deal with conflict effectively can actually help create more intimacy.

It’s okay to have feelings, needs, and boundaries–and to express them. Being able to discern when and how to speak up for yourself can profoundly influence the outcome.

This article outlines practical considerations. If speaking up is a major struggle for you, seek support from a qualified therapist to help you address the root issues.

5 Questions to Ask Yourself Before You Speak Up

If you an have an inner voice urging you to speak up, you may want to consider some of the following questions first:

1) How do I feel right now?

Notice the state of your nervous system. There’s no shame if you’ve spoken from an angry or anxious place in the past. We’ve all done it. Yet, it’s best to communicate when you’re feeling calm. In marital conflict, psychologist Dr. John Gottman recommends taking at least 20 minutes to self-soothe before attempting to address conflict. If you speak from a calm state, you’re more likely to be heard, say what you mean to say, and less likely to say things you regret.

2) Is this something I need to say?

Know your “why” behind speaking up. Not every feeling needs to be shared, and you may not need to speak up every time something offends you. Some things may truly be better left unsaid or discussed with a therapist. It may be time to speak up if you’re bottling your emotions while carrying resentment, someone is treating you poorly, or you stay silent out of worrying what others think. Reflect on the following: What will happen if I don’t speak up? How will I feel? Am I upholding a problematic pattern in the relationship?

3) Is this an appropriate time?

Some contexts are more conducive to effective communication. You might consider whether there’s enough time to discuss the matter, if you want people around or not, and whether you can leave if things go south. There are situations when you may need to say something without forethought–perhaps with a partner or relative. If you’re dealing with a workplace issue, strategic silence may help give you time to prepare, weigh the risks, and choose optimal timing.

4) Is this person likely to listen?

This may be related to timing. Be aware of the other person’s emotional state and when they’re likely to be more receptive. There may not be an ideal time with some people. When possible, wait until the other person is less stressed and more relaxed.

Recognize when you’ve been down this road before. Some conversations can be circular. Sometimes it’s worth another try, but know when it’s no longer a wise use of your energy. If you’ve made multiple attempts, it may be time to engage less and move on. If you’re struggling with this, get support from a therapist to work through what’s holding you back.

5) How can I communicate in a way that can be heard?

If you’re a quieter person, you may literally need to increase your volume to embody confidence and ensure your voice is heard. Be concise, avoid the pitfall of over-explaining, and learn to say ‘no’ without guilt. You may want to write down what you want to say and practice in front of a mirror. Even a few simple phrases in your back pocket can be helpful.

A Few Phrases for Your Communication

For saying no or setting boundaries:

“I’m sorry, I don’t have the capacity for that right now.”
“That date isn’t going to work for my schedule.”
“Let me think about that and get back to you.”

For sensitive conversations, consider how you start. For example, affirm the importance of the relationship and/or give the person the benefit of the doubt:

“Our relationship is important to me, so I want to be honest with you.”
“I realize you didn’t mean for what you say to come off this way…”

Use “I” statements that focus on the impact (what you feel) rather than placing blame:

“When it seems like you’re not listening, I feel like what I say doesn’t matter.”
“I feel worried when I don’t hear from you. I’d like to find ways to improve our communication.”

Of course, if this is a relationship in which you want to connect more deeply, you’ll also need to be open to hearing what they have to say.

Final Thoughts About Speaking Up for Yourself

Some circumstances are not safe to speak up. If you’re facing risks such as physical danger, retaliation in your workplace, or emotional abuse, prioritize your safety with professional help and guidance.

There are times when no matter how you communicate something, the other person may respond negatively. Know when enough is enough.

Remember that your worth is not dependent on how others react. Healthy relationships allow for honest communication.

Photo by Alexander Suhorucov from Pexels

Stonewalling: What It Is, When It’s Abuse, and What to Do

Stonewalling: What It Is, When It’s Abuse, and What to Do

by | Aug 24, 2021 | HSP Relationships

Conflict is natural and happens in every intimate relationship. There’s nothing wrong with conflict if we have healthy ways to deal with it.

The problem arises when we resort to destructive conflict styles. One example is known as stonewalling, which occurs when one person goes silent in response to conflict.

You may have experience with stonewalling, whether you’ve been the stonewaller, stonewallee, or both. We all exhibit destructive conflict styles from time to time. Yet, if continuous, stonewalling damages relationships by erecting walls. At its worst, it can be a form of abuse.

I’ll admit I’ve been both the stonewaller and stonewallee, even if to a mild degree. Sometimes I still find myself shutting down when my partner and I have a conflict, but these days my silence doesn’t last long as I’ve learned to identify it and change course.

So, let’s take a look at what stonewalling is, its impact, when it’s abuse, and how to address it.

What Is Stonewalling?

Dr. John Gottman is a psychological researcher and clinician who has conducted research for over 40 years on marital stability and divorce prediction. According to Gottman, there are four conflict styles that erode relationships and predict divorce with a high degree of accuracy. These conflict styles, known as The Four Horsemen, are: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

Stonewalling is an avoidant behavior pattern by which a person withdraws and shuts down when faced with a conflict discussion. It can look like:

  • Ignoring, dismissing, or minimizing concerns of the other
  • Statements such as: “I’m done,” “End of conversation,” or “I’m not talking about this.”
  • Withdrawing or walking away in the middle of a discussion
  • Gaslighting/pretending all is fine while giving the silent treatment
  • Being too busy to talk about an issue
  • Going silent for hours, days, months

Of course, this conflict style is both harmful and ineffective. So, why do people do it?

Why People Stonewall

Stonewalling is a response to emotional and physiological flooding. That is, conflict is often rife with high emotions, which can elevate one’s heart rate, release stress hormones, and trigger a fight or flight response.

When a person is in fight or flight, rational abilities and responses are less accessible. Shutting down may be the conflict pattern the stonewaller has learned in order to self-protect and self-soothe.

It’s worth noting that Gottman’s research has shown that in heterosexual relationships, 85 percent of those who stonewall are male. Given that boys are socialized not to show or talk about their feelings, it’s not hard to see why this behavior may be more common in men.

A person who stonewalls may:

  • Lack emotional regulation skills
  • Worry they won’t be able to control their emotions if they share them
  • Carry shame around feeling their emotions
  • Think they’re protecting the relationship by avoiding conflict
  • Withdraw to protect themselves and restore balance to their nervous system

In some cases, stonewalling can be manipulative and abusive, which we’ll discuss further below.

The Impact of Stonewalling

Stonewalling can lead to a cascade of relationship problems. Conflict cannot be resolved when communication is blocked. When conflict remains unresolved, it usually festers, and even a minor discord can escalate into much larger problems.

The stonewallee is likely to feel dismissed, rejected, or confused in response to the stonewaller’s silence. The stonewallee may feel low self-worth and withdraw as well, or they may become louder to get a reaction from the stonewaller, which is likely to further trigger the stonewaller.

The stonewaller suffers too as they exile their true feelings instead of expressing them. Of course, in the absence of vulnerability, emotional intimacy in the relationship is impossible.

Both parties suffer with stonewalling, and when it shows up continuously, it disintegrates the very foundation of healthy, intimate relationships—trust.

How to Know When Stonewalling Is Abusive

Sometimes stonewalling comes from good intentions. The stonewaller often has no awareness that what they’re doing causes harm. They may simply be trying to soothe uncomfortable emotions in the only way they were taught. Though this is unhealthy, it’s not automatically abusive.

In other cases, the stonewaller may intentionally use this as a tactic to manipulate or punish the other person. It goes without saying that such an attempt to gain power and control over another person is indeed emotional abuse.

Here are some indicators of when stonewalling is abuse:

  • The stonewaller determines when you communicate.
  • It only ends when you apologize or give in.
  • It’s a recurring pattern and/or lasts for lengthy periods of time.
  • You sense it’s coming from a place of punishment.
  • You avoid expressing how you feel to prevent it.
  • You’re dismissed when you express feeling demeaned or confused.

Of course, there isn’t always a distinct line when it comes to discerning intention. Furthermore, regardless of intention, when stonewalling behavior persists in a relationship continuously, the impact can still be abusive.

Yet, if a person who stonewalls is willing to examine and change their conflict style, there’s hope for a healthier path forward.

How to Address Stonewalling

Gottman posits that since stonewalling happens in response to emotional flooding, the antidote is to self-soothe and that either person can initiate this antidote.

1) Notice what’s happening. An elevated heart rate or body tension are good indicators of being flooded. Scan to see if you or the other person are showing signs of high emotion and overwhelm.

2) Ask to take a break. When one or both of you is in fight or flight mode, don’t expect constructive communication. This is the time to use a cue such as, “I’m noticing that I’m feeling overwhelmed…” or, “I feel like we might benefit from a breather,” so that you can return to a calmer state before communicating. When possible, it’s helpful to agree on this cue ahead of time if you both know this is a pattern. It is also something that can be proposed during the resolution of a conflict.

3) Agree to return. It’s vital for the health of your relationship that you refrain from sweeping the conflict under the rug. Before separating from the other person, assure them that you want to come back and revisit the conversation. This will also affirm that you’re not abandoning them or their feelings.

4) Self-soothe. Gottman’s research has shown that it takes at least 20 minutes to return to a state of equilibrium. What’s also important here is that you take this time to do something else entirely to regulate rather than going over the events of the conflict on repeat since that will only keep you in a stress response. You might take a walk or read a book.

5) Communicate with empathy. When communicating, it helps to prioritize emotions over behaviors. If you’re the one stonewalling, own it and name the emotions that you’re feeling. If the other person is stonewalling, it’s important to remember that their behavior is a protective reaction that may be a response to criticism or contempt, two of the other Four Horsemen. Being willing to listen and hold space for the emotions that may feel shameful to them can go a long way.

A Few Final Important Notes About Stonewalling

  • It’s not your job to fix. While you may have a role in influencing how the stonewalling dynamic goes, it’s vital that you realize that it is not your job to constantly make concessions or be the only one attempting to address the conflict pattern. Doing so is a recipe for codependency and allows the stonewaller to shirk their problematic behavior.
  • You may benefit from professional help. If you can’t seem to break the stonewalling pattern, a third party can have a profound impact. Consider reaching out to a licensed counselor who can help you with communication and strategies to approach conflict.
  • When it’s abuse. If you think you may be in an abusive relationship, please seek help from a licensed counselor or domestic violence services—1-800-799-SAFE (7233).

Resources

Benson, K. (n.d.). How Chronic Stonewalling Imprisons a Relationship. Retrieved August 23, 2021 from https://www.kylebenson.net/stonewalling/

Brown, B. (Host). (2021, February 3). Brené with Drs. John and Julie Gottman on What Makes Love Last. In Unlocking Us. Retrieved from https://brenebrown.com/podcast/brene-with-drs-john-and-julie-gottman-on-what-makes-love-last/

Good Therapy (n.d.). Stonewalling. Retrieved August 22, 2021 from https://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/stonewalling

The Gottman Institute. (2021, January 25). 4 Conflict Styles that Hurt Your Relationship. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/4-conflict-styles-that-hurt-your-relationship/

Killoren, C. (2021, February 28). Stonewalling Signs, Abuse and Preventing it from Ruining Your Relationship. Relish. Retrieved from https://hellorelish.com/articles/stonewalling-signs-relationship-tips.html

Lisitsa, E. (2013, april 26). The Four Horsemen: The Antidotes. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-the-antidotes/

Lisitsa, E. (2013, May 20). The Four Horsemen: Stonewalling. The Gottman Institute. Retrieved from https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-four-horsemen-stonewalling/

Pietrangelo, A. (2019, April 30). How to Respond When Someone Gives You the Silent Treatment. Healthline. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/silent-treatment

Ranger, T. (2022, July 28). Stonewalling: How It Damages Relationships & 6 Tips for Overcoming. Choosing Therapy. Retrieved from https://www.choosingtherapy.com/stonewalling

HSPs and Emotional Neglect: Common Struggles & How to Heal

HSPs and Emotional Neglect: Common Struggles & How to Heal

by | Jan 26, 2021 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships, Self Care

If your emotional needs as an HSP were ignored or ridiculed growing up, you‘re not alone. It’s not uncommon for HSPs to experience emotional neglect by caregivers.

As an HSP, you have unique emotional needs, most of which you arrived into this world with, due to your genetic trait. Some families have an understanding of how to support highly sensitive children. Other families lack this understanding and cause undue harm.

For the most part, we live in a culture in which sensitivity is viewed as a weakness. So, it’s not hard to see that your caregivers may have grown up receiving messages from their caregivers that any qualities of sensitivity within them must be buried or purged in order to succeed in life.

Unfortunately, this narrative gets passed down through generations. It’s damaging to all children, but as an HSP, you tend to absorb these messages in ways that can leave you feeling like there’s something wrong with you or you may even disconnect from certain emotions.

The good news is that there is nothing wrong with you and there are ways to recover from lingering wounds of emotional neglect from your upbringing without your caregivers themselves needing to change.

I’ll share some specific ways to tend to your needs as an adult below, but let’s first take a look at some common struggles of HSPs who have experienced emotional neglect to better understand how this shows up.

HSPs and Emotional Neglect – Common Struggles

Many HSPs don’t even realize their emotional needs were neglected until later in life. This is especially common if you grew up in a family that had the appearance of a functional, healthy home. They were there in certain ways; yet, your deeper emotional needs were left unattended.

As an adult, you may face these common struggles, which largely center on putting your needs and feelings last.

  • Codependency. HSPs feel emotions intensely, which can make you more susceptible to codependency. You may have an understanding of your caregivers’ painful upbringing and feel empathy for them. This empathy may lead you to organize your choices and behaviors in a way that doesn’t ‘rock the boat’ or cause discomfort or pain to your caregiver.
  • Decision-making. You may struggle with making decisions and identifying what you want because you learned to put the needs of others first and ignore yours. When you don’t learn to listen to your own voice, it can be challenging to trust your choices.
  • Setting boundaries. When you’ve absorbed the message that your needs are less important than those of others, it can be tough to discern your boundaries and speak up for your needs with confidence.
  • Feeling disconnected. Many HSPs I talk to report feeling disconnected from their bodies and any sense of self. When you’ve experienced emotional neglect, it takes time to differentiate where you and your caregivers begin and end.

In understanding these common struggles, self-discovery and listening to your own needs as the path forward comes into greater focus.

HSPs and Emotional Neglect – 4 Ways to Cope & Heal

1) Seek out support. Shed the rugged individualism narrative that says it’s all up to you to resolve your past pain. For HSPs who have experienced emotional neglect, support from others is a vital component to healing. Consider a therapist or coach who understands sensory processing sensitivity (SPS), but also explore ways to connect with other HSPs. When you connect with other HSPs, not only will you feel less alone, but you’ll naturally start to see yourself more clearly. When you see the strengths of other HSPs and have compassion for them, you also plant the seeds of self-compassion and recognition of your own gifts.

2) Get to know yourself. Emotional neglect separates you from your deeper self and who you really are because you’re so accustomed to seeing yourself in relation to others. When I say get to know yourself, I’m not saying to write a list of your passions or strengths. Rather, connect in with your heart’s deepest desires and ways of truly nourishing yourself as an HSP. Explore embodied practices that foster self-discovery. This could be meditation to listen inward, yoga practice to reconnect with your body’s wisdom, or a solo hike or introspective retreat that allows you to tune into what feels utterly beneficial for your whole self.

3) Reparent yourself. To reparent yourself is to give yourself what you needed as a child that you didn’t receive from your caregivers so that your adult self can thrive today. This can take many forms and may require the guidance of a therapist in cases of complex trauma. Reparenting may include learning emotional regulation tools, soothing younger ‘parts’ of yourself, practicing self-care, and clearly communicating your needs.

4) Set healthy boundaries. Setting boundaries takes practice when you’re not used to prioritizing yourself. It requires an ability to discern between that which belongs to you and that which belongs to the other, and an ability to own your own part in stopping a dysfunctional cycle. Get clear on balanced boundaries so that you don’t find yourself in extremes of enmeshed or disengaged boundaries. Practice assertive, non-violent communication. You may have compassion and understanding for someone and still stand your clear ground. It may not be comfortable at first and you may risk losing something or someone, but also consider what you have to gain.

The messages you received or did not receive as a child may have been painful, but you have the capacity to transform those wounds and there’s no shortage of HSP support in the world today to help you.

We have two online opportunities coming up soon if you’re looking for support and want to connect with other highly sensitive people:

Jan 30, 2021: Holding Space for Healing: A Day Retreat for HSPs
Authentic story sharing (families of origin theme), deep listening, and embodied practices to tune in with compassion for yourself and others without emotional overwhelm

Feb 13, 2021: HSP Support Circle + Qi Gong
Meets monthly – Each month features a new theme and embodied practice led by a special guest. Our theme for February is ‘Nourishing Your Sensitive System’ with a Qigong practice.

How to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

How to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

by | Oct 12, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships, Personal Growth

Do you find it difficult to say no without guilt? Many highly sensitive people are so in tune with the feelings and needs of others, that it can be difficult to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty.

Yet, it’s critical that highly sensitive people learn to say no without guilt when necessary to practice self-care and create healthy relationships. If we don’t, we can easily end up overwhelmed, resentful, codependent, and the list goes on…

I was recently attending a retreat in a group much larger than I expected. I knew from the start that this was an opportunity to practice what I have always encouraged my retreat guests to do–ask for what I need as an highly sensitive introvert participant.

Throughout the week, there were many moments, when I clearly stated my needs. I managed to say no without guilt on several occasions. An truly, I left feeling liberated by how simple it can be to say no once you can in the habit of doing it.

Let me first say that like you, I’ve had that boss or relative with whom it wasn’t so easy. I realize that not all relationships and situations are the same. Learning to say no without guilt to family members has been one of my biggest lifelong challenges.

But to set boundaries in challenging relationships, it helps to start by practicing in simple everyday situations.

3 Steps to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

1) Tune in. Take time to check in with yourself. There are times you may feel you have to give an answer right away when in reality, you can ask for time to respond. Ask yourself how a “yes” or “no” feels in your body. Notice where in your body you feel it and what your body has to say.

As you practice noticing and listening to your needs, it becomes easier to access your answer and say no without guilt. Bringing awareness to how your body feels in a given situation helps you more readily spot old patterns that don’t serve you.

2) Know that it’s not just for you. Often times you feel your answer. Yet, you get stuck feeling bad if you don’t do what the other wants you to do. In these moments, it’s critical to remember that sacrificing your needs doesn’t serve anyone.

Even if it feels like you’re helping another person, when you silence your needs, you harm yourself and the relationship because you’re not being honest.

It’s important to remember that human beings grow in challenging times. If you’re protecting someone else’s needs, you may just be preventing that person from going through some vital experiences they need to grow.

3) Voice your answer. Sometimes you want to say “yes”, but with a condition or boundary. So, say so, but remember that people (including children!) respond better to, “Yes, as soon as…” than, “No, I can’t…” Here are some examples of using “yes” while holding boundaries:

“Yes, I can help. This weeks won’t work for me, but I can lend a hand next week.”
“Sure, I’ll come. I’d like to see you, but I just so you to know, I’ll likely need to leave early.”

When you need to say “no”, you can be both firm and kind. Avoid giving reasons for why you can’t or don’t want to do something, as some people will challenge your reasons or push to find a way to get you to meet their needs. No is enough, so respect your “no” without feeling guilty. Here are some examples of what to say:

“I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work for me.”
“Unfortunately, that’s just not something I can do right now.”
“It sounds fun, but I won’t be available that day.”

4) Express gratitude. First, show yourself appreciation for the times when you do set boundaries. If this has been a long struggle for you, standing up for yourself can be profound. Give yourself some love and soak up the feeling of empowerment. And in the times when you feel you fall short, be compassionate with yourself.

Likewise, it’s empowering to express gratitude to the people that honor your needs. It’s easy to assume people ought to behave in certain ways, which can mean taking people who respect your boundaries for granted.

A simple, “Hey, thank you for being so understanding about…” or, “It wasn’t easy for me to ask for that, so I really appreciate that you…” can go a long way in growing intimate relationships. And it positively reinforces the relationship dynamic making it more likely for the other to respect your boundaries in the future.

For many highly sensitive people, learning how to say no without guilt can take time. But it can also be deeply healing. Be patient and compassionate with yourself through your process.

What have you found to be helpful when it comes to your boundaries as a highly sensitive person? Feel free to share in a comment below.

How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

by | May 9, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships, Self Care

“How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions” was republished with permission from www.tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here: “How I Learned to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions”.

I felt her agony and loneliness as if it were my own. Even as I write that sentence, my eyes well up and heaviness fills my heart. Then, I’m reminded to apply the advice I give others.

My mom was a special person, a sensitive soul just like me. Actually, I’m so much like she was, yet so different. One of the differences between us is that I had an opportunity to observe her life’s challenges. I saw her challenges reflected within myself and made a conscious choice to find healthy ways to cope.

You see, my mom was a deep feeler and felt the emotions of people near and far. I imagine it was her strong empathy and personal challenges that led her to want to help others, as a wounded healer in a sense.

But as a helper and healer, she struggled with her mental and emotional health over the years. Witnessing her life moved me to learn how to regulate my own sensitive emotions and set healthy boundaries.

Sometimes I wonder if not knowing how to manage her empathy is what made her sick.

There are many ways to understand the challenges my mom battled before her death in 2007. From her perspective, she had a rare, unknown physical illness. Some who knew her may have thought she was manipulative and attention-seeking. Some would see an addiction to pain medication. Psychologists would diagnose her with a psychosomatic disorder, borderline personality disorder, and bipolar disorder.

Maybe all and none of those explanations are true. But perhaps she didn’t have any “disorder” at all. I’m not really asserting that to be true, but merely posing a curious question. What if she was just a sensitive, empathic person who lacked the skills to manage the pain around and within her? What if one unhelpful coping mechanism led to a slew of other ailments?

I believe my mom felt real physical and emotional pain. I struggled to fully understand her over the years. But after many years of reflection, I now trust her experience because of what I know about my own sensitive nature.

As sensitive people, we may present with high emotion and feel easily overwhelmed by our senses. We’re often told by the world that there’s something wrong with us. And when we think there’s something inherently wrong with us, we tend to tuck these traits away into our “shadow” or unconscious mind.

Well, now we’ve not only tucked away our core essence, but possibly the empathic depth that goes along with being a sensitive person as well. There may be a part of us that knows that we’re emotional sponges. Yet, we may choose to ignore our nature without really learning how to manage our empathy in such a way that prevents “dis-ease” and fosters well-being.

This was me for a long time.

Not only am I prone to feeling depleted and drained in situations with certain people, but the emotional pain of others tends to show up in my physical body. When I over-feel, my throat feels like it’s closing and as my chest constricts, my chronic back pain flares up.

My boyfriend was complaining of one of those small, painful pimples inside his nose recently. I got one as well. We joked about sympathy pains, but I do wonder sometimes.

I’ve felt the emotional pain of my family, friends, clients, and strangers. It’s not a simple, “Oh, I feel bad for him.” It’s feeling the despair and rejection of that teenager whose parents didn’t pick him up when he was released from the behavioral hospital where I worked. It’s the deep anguish of being that relative who feels no one believes her and she’s all alone.

I feel challenged to find the right language to express it all because the deep heartache and heavy burden is a feeling not a word.

The thing is that no matter how painful it is to feel the weight of the world in my body, I wouldn’t trade my depth and ability to feel for anything. The empathy that comes with high sensitivity is a true gift if we know how to use it.

We need more kind, compassionate people if we want to heal the world. Sensitive people have a natural capacity to show kindness because of our profound empathy.

Deep empathy gives us a special strength in relating and connecting with others. When we genuinely care, we’re more apt to be able to understand another person in a way not that all people can. Our sincerity can help us to develop meaningful, fulfilling relationships.

Relationships offer us a chance to not only grow a deep sense of connection with another human being but also an opportunity to learn about ourselves. Both of these are integral to the human experience.

And as sensitive people, we feel intense pain, but we also feel intense joy.

Yet, regulating our empathy is key to stopping the flood of emotion from overwhelming our ability to cope and care for our well-being.

If we want to stop absorbing other people’s emotions, it all starts with taking care of our physical, social, mental, emotional, and spiritual needs. I know it sounds like the whole world is harping on the idea of self-care, but there’s a reason for this.

When our own immune system or energy is depleted, we become a perfect sponge for sopping up emotions. We must take care of ourselves to avoid absorption in the first place.

6 Steps to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions

1. When you notice heavy emotion, start by labeling what you’re feeling. Labeling helps to bring us into a state of pause, which can help us to gain a little distance from the emotional experience for a moment. Even a little distance helps us to begin to stop absorbing other people’s emotions.

2. Ask yourself whether what you’re feeling is yours, someone else’s, or a mix of the two. It can be difficult to discern the difference sometimes. One approach I like to take is if I think I might be feeling a particular person’s “stuff,” I’ll imagine the person as completely whole, content, and full of light. Then I’ll revisit my own experience and see if I still feel the same way. This played out in a recent loss in my life. While I was experiencing my own grief, when my relative who was closest to this person seemed to start to heal, I realized that much of my sadness released as well.

3. The moment you catch yourself feeling emotions that aren’t yours, raise your awareness of what’s happening within your mind and body. It can help to say the word “compassion” to yourself as a way of intentionally focusing on what you can do to be supportive rather than allowing yourself to be overpowered by emotion.

4. Take a deep breath and notice where in your body you feel the calmest, grounded, or neutral. It might be as simple as your toe or finger. Bring your attention to that place in your body and allow it to be a centering force to keep you grounded while you process and release any feelings you may have absorbed. Sometimes just having one calm place in our body can serve as a resource when the rest of you is feeling overwhelmed.

5. Return the other person’s emotions to them. It is not your responsibility to carry other people’s emotional distress, and equally important, it helps absolutely no one. Try saying to yourself, “I’m letting this emotional pain that is not mine go now.” Remember that other people have to go through their own processes in order to grow. When you stop absorbing other people’s emotions, you give both yourself and the other people a better opportunity to grow.

6. Use visualization to fully release the emotions. I find that it helps me to visualize a waterfall flowing through my body as a final release of any residual emotional gunk I might be carrying.

At the center of all of the above steps is building the awareness to know when we’re allowing ourselves to absorb and adopting tools to stop absorbing other’s people’s emotions. As a sensitive person, your empathy is a gift that the world needs. It’s up to each of us to channel our empathy into greater compassion so that we can remain strong and well.

For more HSP relationship tips and tools, check out my in-depth Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.

Highly Sensitive Relationships: How to Connect Deeply

Highly Sensitive Relationships: How to Connect Deeply

by | Mar 17, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships

What do you think is most important in highly sensitive relationships?

I often hear people say that things like communication, honesty, and respect are the most important. While these are certainly important pillars of any relationship, none of them are possible without one key ingredient. And this one ingredient happens to be of particular importance in highly sensitive relationships. I’ll share with you what this vital ingredient is, but I’d like to illustrate with a personal story.

Recently, my partner and I were out of town visiting my grandparents for a few days. During our stay, there was an instance in which our political differences surfaced. The circumstances were such that we didn’t have an opportunity to talk about the issue at the time.

Upon arriving home, my grandfather sent me an email curiously inquiring about the matter. My partner and I replied with a carefully thought out, respectful response. Despite trying our best to speak to some of our common ground, I knew our perspective differed from theirs and that they might feel offended, even angry. But this is the email I received:

“Lissey, I apologize for not getting back to you sooner. We appreciated your response to our question. You certainly have a gift in your writing skills.

Yes, we have widely divergent views on so many social and political issues. So wide that we feel it’s best not to attempt a comprehensive response. The risk of misunderstanding is too high plus the breach is so wide I don’t see any hope for resolve on any of the issues.

We respect your views, as I’m sure you do ours. So let’s just leave it all here, continue our usual dialogues, and know that we truly love one another.

Love you lots, Grandpa and Grandma”

There’s something in his email that goes beyond communication, respect, and honesty, even though that’s all there. And that something is the reason I, as a highly sensitive person, can feel so close to my grandfather in our relationship.

What’s Most Important in Highly Sensitive Relationships?

Connection is the most important ingredient in highly sensitive relationships. While this might sound basic, connection is the bond that allows us to feel a sense of mutual understanding, warmth, and compassion for one another.

So often we get bogged down in attempting to communicate about difficult matters before we have what we need in the relationship for that to happen. As highly sensitive people, we’re hyper-aware of the subtleties that often lie behind words, body language, and facial expressions. If we don’t feel connected, it can be really hard to communicate respectfully because we may feel separate, wounded, or inauthentic.

Once we have the connection need met in our relationships, then communication, respect, and honesty can actually flow with greater ease, maybe even come naturally.

My grandfather recognized that we spent three days talking, listening, and connecting with one another about all kinds of subject matters and felt close in so many meaningful ways. He made a conscious choice to focus on that which connects us and recognized that we have mutual respect for one another.

Don’t get me wrong, I believe that sharing diverse perspectives through respectful dialogue has an important place in our relationships and we need to learn how to deal with difficult feelings. But it is essential for both people to feel connected first. While I entirely understand and respect my grandfather’s suggestion that we stay focused on our current ways of connecting, I also do believe that the genuine connection we do share would lend itself to deeper dialogue about differences.

But what do we do when we feel we’re lacking connection in highly sensitive relationships?

How to Connect Deeply in Highly Sensitive Relationships

Deep connection in highly sensitive relationships is something I write about at length, but here are a few tips to get you started.

1. Get clarity on whether deep down you want a connection with the person. As highly sensitive people, sometimes we think we ought to connect with someone when deep down there’s a part of us that’s resisting connection. You may have some feelings you’ve concealed or perhaps the relationship doesn’t warrant the effort. Take time to ask yourself if you really want to deepen the connection and why you want this connection. Reflecting like this helps us come to relationships authenticity, which is crucial for highly sensitive people.

2. Take responsibility if you played a part in creating distance. Sometimes we put up walls without even realizing it. We get defensive, self-righteous, and blame others. Connection comes from both people owning any responsibility they bear in widening the relationship divide. Let this be part of both your inner work, as well as any dialogue you have. Own your part and let this person know you’d like to work on connecting.

3. Come to the relationship with a genuine level of interest and compassion for the other person. Empathy comes naturally for many highly sensitive people, but we can struggle with it if we’re feeling disconnected. Our defenses pop up when we feel wounded. But the other may feel similarly. A little humility and sincere desire to compassionately understand another person can go a long way. Allow yourself to be open to the other person’s experience.

4. Make eye contact when you communicate. Staring at the floor or ceiling during an argument is likely to lead to further disconnection. It’s really easy for me to get wrapped up in my mind and mood when my eyes are on something other than the person in front of me. Mindfully make eye contact so that you can attune to the other person’s fear, hurt, or vulnerability when it’s there. Looking another in the eye can help us to connect.

5. Take time for activities you enjoy together. Twenty years ago, when I was a teenager, my dad and I were seeing a counselor in an effort to connect better. She advised us to do something else besides go to dinner and talk. She knew our dinner conversations inevitably led us down a destructive path, so she suggested playing a game or going to a show. Do something fun together that allows you to enjoy one another’s company with a little levity. I love how serious I am as a sensitive person at times, but I have to balance my depth out with some frivolous fun from time to time.

Connection doesn’t have to be as difficult with people that are different from us if we know how to harness the power of our sensitivity. How do you connect in relationships as a highly sensitive person? Leave a comment below.

Looking for concrete tools and dialogues to connect more deeply in highly sensitive relationships? Overcome communication problems, open up, get close, and create fulfilling relationships with my Highly Sensitive Person’s Relationship Guide.

How do you connect as a highly sensitive person in your relationships? Leave a comment below!