Too Much Empathy? Try This Instead
Do you ever feel like you have too much empathy?
Empathy is generally seen as a strength. It allows us to resonate with the emotions of others and understand their perspectives.
However, for highly sensitive people who are finely attuned to the emotions of others, sometimes empathy can feel like a burden.
Sharing in someone’s joy may be uplifting. Yet, absorbing their suffering can lead to feeling overwhelmed and helpless, prompting the need to detach.
Detachment is a natural response to emotional flooding. Some amount is necessary for us to function. But it can also signify what’s known as empathic distress, which we’ll discuss shortly.
Recognizing that empathic distress is common for highly sensitive people, my goal with this article is to provide insights into more beneficial ways to channel our empathic responses.
But first, let’s clear up a subtle but important distinction.
Cognitive vs. Emotional Empathy
The two primary types of empathy are cognitive and emotional.
Cognitive empathy, also called perspective-taking, is the ability to understand how a person feels and what they might be thinking. Emotional, or affective, empathy is about actually sharing the feelings of another person.
I believe both kinds of empathy have a place, and like most things, are highly context-dependent. But in this article, whenever I mention “empathy”, I’ll be referring to emotional empathy.
Two Paths to Respond to Suffering
Empathy and compassion both describe how we react to suffering, but there’s a difference in the reactions they elicit.
Empathy involves feeling with others, and sharing in their emotional experiences.
Compassion, on the other hand, entails feeling for others, and is most often coupled with a desire to offer assistance.
The Science of Empathy vs. Compassion
Findings in neurological studies conducted by neuroscientists Tania Singer and Olga Klimecki, among others, have shown empathy to activate neural networks associated with a first-person experience of pain – as if the pain belonged to the empathizer. These neuroimages were also coupled with self-reported negative feelings.
According to Singer and Klimecki, empathic distress is a “strong aversive and self-oriented response to the suffering of others, accompanied by the desire to withdraw from a situation to protect oneself from excessive negative feelings.”
It’s that feeling of being so affected by another’s suffering that you feel it in your own body, and may even feel the need to detach from that suffering, in order to protect yourself.
In contrast to the first-person pain experience seen in empathy neuroimaging, compassion practitioners trained to notice the feelings of others and offer support show activations that are more other-focused, linked to prosocial behaviors, and altruism.
Compassion has also been shown to trigger neurological processes and neurotransmitters associated with positive feelings and affect.
Some suggest that empathy is limited in its capacity. We can only put ourselves in so many “other pairs of shoes” at one time. We might empathize with a few individuals, but would seriously struggle to extend this emotional connection to a group of thousands.
From this lens, it’s possible that the “feeling with” empathy we’re discussing can prevent us from effectively addressing the needs of a larger population.
Embracing Compassionate Response
Picture this: You feel concern for a friend’s pain while remaining grounded and aware of the distinction between their feelings and yours. Instead of absorbing their pain, and getting wrapped up in how that experience feels for you, you are able to be more present and available to be of help for what they’re going through.
A compassionate response is marked by feelings of genuine concern and warmth for another person along with a strong motivation to help them. This concern, the actions you take to address it, and the way it feels for you in the end, can amount to a much more effective response to suffering.
Whereas, a response that is rooted in empathy alone can often lead to a doubling of the total suffering and even reduce the likelihood of taking corrective action, due to empathic distress.
Strategies for Managing Empathy & Practicing Compassion
I want to pause briefly here and address a possible misconception that I’m saying empathy is universally bad and should be discarded. That is not the case.
Empathy has served us well as human beings, and in fact many other Earthlings share this capacity besides just us. But, like many other things, what served us well in an ancient context can backfire in a modern context.
I don’t think that HSPs who experience a heightened empathy are in any way “bad” or in need of fixing themselves. It’s just that we need to be aware of where this can go wrong and do what we can to mitigate the harmful side effects.
That being said, I believe the cultivation of compassion can be an effective pathway to respond to suffering which also avoids compromising your own well-being.
It might involve setting healthy boundaries to protect your own emotional well-being, engaging in self-care routines, or actively participating in activities that promote positive change.
Pause to Acknowledge
Acknowledging suffering is a crucial initial step in practicing compassion because it lays the foundation for genuine understanding and connection. Pausing to recognize someone’s pain not only allows you to truly notice what they’re feeling, but it also gives you time to distinguish your own emotions from those of others. I offer a few concrete techniques for differentiating our emotions of self and others in my article, “How to Stop Absorbing Other People’s Emotions”.
Train Your Mind
Most studies have used contemplative practice and meditation as methods to train compassion. The Center for Healthy Minds is a non-profit founded by Dr. Richard Davidson, who has been a leader in contemplative practice and compassion research. They offer several free resources, including a compassion meditation training and a free Healthy Minds app to cultivate well-being.
Take Helpful Action
Not only is action important for the person, people, or cause, but it creates a positive feedback loop of compassionate response for the action taker. There is some evidence showing that people who have helped before are more likely to repeat these behaviors. Let’s build this habit.
Psychologist Susan Silk developed a model called Ring Theory as a guide for managing emotional support in a crisis. In a series of concentric circles, the person most directly affected is at the center. Around them are rings representing levels of emotional proximity. The idea is that those providing support offer comfort toward those in the center rings and seek support from those in outer rings to avoid burdening those at the center.
When you notice your emotional empathy kicking in, find which ring you’re on and direct your action somewhere toward the middle. The article I referenced by Adam Grant offers an example of using this theory in response to collective suffering.
When You’re Feeling Too Much Empathy…
Again, empathy isn’t intrinsically bad. But having too much, like anything, can lead to bad outcomes. Hopefully, by keeping watch on your empathy, and avoiding its overuse, you can prevent overwhelm and maintain well-being.
Remember that compassion offers a pathway to respond to suffering with genuine concern and assistance, without losing yourself in the process. Through compassion, we can better navigate our emotional landscapes and cultivate healthier relationships with ourselves and others.
