6 Common Leadership Challenges of the Highly Sensitive Leader

6 Common Leadership Challenges of the Highly Sensitive Leader

by | Aug 21, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

This article was originally written for Highly Sensitive Refuge under the title “6 Challenges Every HSP Leader Must Face — And How to Overcome Them”.

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs) are natural leaders. As an HSP, you have a unique way of seeing the world, which is likely accompanied by a high level of emotional intelligence and deep thinking. You likely also have the ability to inspire and bring others together — whether you realize it or not.

Yet, being a highly sensitive leader comes with real challenges that can feel overwhelming. This is especially true if you’ve received a lifetime of false messages about what it means to be a leader.

You’ve been fed a paradigm that says leaders have bold confidence, magnetic charisma, and quick thinking abilities. These qualities are still very much valued in our society, so you may be slow to see yourself as a leader or feel frustrated when you’re undervalued.

This happens even to HSPs in established leadership positions. I have to admit that occasionally a part of me falls prey to this narrow notion of leadership. When it does, I start to doubt myself. And that doubt can make me question whether I embody leadership qualities at all.

It’s taken me twenty years to let go of limiting beliefs about what a leader is and embrace the important skills I bring to my work as a highly sensitive leader who guides international retreats for sensitive people.

But, despite the stereotypes, I believe that highly sensitive people make excellent leaders. We don’t need to be afraid to step up. And I truly think that our gifts as HSPs allow sensitive leaders to make a positive difference.

Let’s take a look at the challenges of being an HSP leader — and how to manage them effectively while creating space for your innate strengths to blossom.

Challenges Highly Sensitive Leaders Face and What to Do

1. You may resist being a leader at all.

Even if you’re in a leadership role already, part of you may still doubt your abilities. And if you’ve never led before, you may think it’s just not “for you” — that only very aggressive people really step up into leadership. You may get this impression at work, in politics, in organizations you belong to, or even in the parent/teacher community at your child’s school.

And it’s easy to see why. Not only do others often have a bias, but the responsibilities of leadership can sometimes feel overwhelming to HSPs. Especially if you dislike being the center of attention (which is common for some HSPs, but not all) and prefer being behind the scenes.

How to overcome it:

Commit to owning your role and your strengths.

Can you identify sensitive leaders you admire? Even if you’re not sure they’re HSPs, you can spot caring leadership. For example, I see Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a leader with clear purpose, strategic thinking, and courageous persistence. She’s careful and poised, but very strong. Can you see similar strengths in yourself?

Draw on these examples to consciously release the need to be like the non-HSP. Instead, get curious about the distinctive ways your sensitivity helps you show up as a leader. Write those strengths down and feel them in your body.

Remember: Owning your role as a leader is not an act of pride or power. It’s for the benefit of those looking for guidance. When I first began leading retreats, I deliberately avoided the head of the table during meals. I resisted putting myself in the “power seat” because I didn’t want to be seen as such. But the best of intentions don’t always have the best impact. Several times, a guest with a stronger personality would end up directing the energy of the table. Over time, I learned that as a space holder, it was vital to care for my position of leadership in order to care for my guests.

You can own being a highly sensitive leader in a firm, gentle way. It’s not that I always sit at the head of the table. But I am more aware of how I can use the keen awareness that comes with my sensitivity to ensure a supportive environment for everyone.

2. You struggle with decision-making.

One of the four traits that define an HSP is depth of processing. It means you think deeply, but you need time to make sense of information you consume — and that can make decision-making a challenge. HSPs see the subtle consequences of many different paths, and may get stuck analyzing or second-guessing decisions for fear of making the “wrong” choice.

How to overcome it: 

Explore new ways to make decisions.

The caution that HSPs employ can be an asset provided that it doesn’t immobilize you. Start by asking whether something is a smaller or bigger decision. For small decisions, it may help to balance your detail-oriented nature with the bigger picture to refrain from overthinking. Let go of “right” and “wrong” and perhaps opt for the “good enough” choice. 

For bigger decisions, give yourself permission to take some time to process. But don’t just process with your intellect.You may have great analytical skills, but you’re also a feeler. Practice getting in touch with the reactions of your body and deeper self by asking, “How does this decision feel?”

Not only do some decisions require time, but sometimes they also require other people. Know when to reach out for support. A decisive person with a quick answer may not have the best plan, but they may give you a new way of thinking about the issue that helps you see your priorities.

3. You need time to articulate your thoughts.

Being a deep processor can also mean you need time before verbalizing your thoughts and may struggle with performance anxiety. And you don’t always know how much time is enough. For example, there are times when I think I’ve processed, but the thoughts whirling around in my head do not quite find their way into coherent sentences when they come out. When HSPs speak before processing, ideas may not come out right, which can make you doubt yourself further.

This is only harder if you think of “leaders” as giving fast, off-the-cuff responses to everything. But, of course, they don’t.

How to overcome it: 

Give yourself and others permission to take time to process.  

One of the main things to remember as a highly sensitive leader is that when you allow yourself time to process, you can better navigate your way through your ideas and values. So take your time processing, but be wary of fearful tendencies wanting to keep your ideas in isolation. It’s important to share your ideas.

You’re not alone — there are likely others that need time before speaking. When I’m leading retreats, I urge guests to give themselves permission to participate how they choose. I acknowledge my own difficulty with getting my thoughts out verbally, so that others remember they can take their time, too, and that none of it has to be perfect. As a leader, you can shift the quick-witted culture to make it okay to take time to process.

4. You feel exhausted when you notice everything.

You pick up on the stress of others and feel it. You also notice when other “leaders” are ego-driven, showy, and insensitive.

But it’s not just people that trigger you. Sensory overload from environmental stimuli — and all of the excess information you’re carrying around in your sensitive brain — can all lead to depletion and difficulty focusing.

How to overcome it: 

Use your awareness of subtleties to care for yourself and your people. 

Feeling everything can be draining, but it’s also a strength. You’re conscientious and you notice errors others may not. You can use your subtle senses to read group dynamics, identify strengths in others, and feel when the quiet ones may need to communicate in a different way — or when the loud confident voices are simply not right. By gathering these subtle details, you have the opportunity to empower others and help them to feel seen and heard.

At the same time, it’s equally important to practice self-care by taking quiet time for yourself and setting boundaries so that you don’t burn out. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron talks about the balance of being “in” and “out” in the world. As a highly sensitive leader, it’s vital to explore how much “in” and “out” time you need to stay healthy. Prepare for situations you know may be stimulating by giving yourself time to rest.

5. You may feel undervalued.

I know your HSP leadership skills may seem like they’re invisible and unappreciated. It’s true that non-HSPs may not initially value your ways since our culture tends to value strong assertiveness (even to the point of confrontation). Or, maybe you’ve had the experience of sharing an idea that gets dismissed — only to have a louder, more forceful personality earn praise for the same idea.

How to overcome it:

Remember your purpose and trust yourself.

Don’t let the societal paradigm determine your value. Return to your purpose for why you do what you do. Trust in your strengths, whether or not you’re given credit. Chances are people feel your magic, even if you don’t always receive verbal confirmation.

Here’s an example. I recently organized a retreat for a non-HSP friend who has a much more extroverted, high-energy vibe than I do. I tend to shrink myself in the presence of people with bolder personalities, which I did during that trip. At the same time, I know my detailed planning, soft-but-firm communication, and attention to each individual were felt. Near the end of the trip, one woman said she saw me as the architect of the experience and appreciated my ability to hold space for everyone to be their best selves. In other words: My strengths made a difference and some people noticed them, even if I wasn’t the “alpha” of the crowd.

Of course, there are countless situations in which my skills go unnoticed. That’s okay too — because I know they’re supporting a greater good. A sensitive leader will focus with purpose and not grabbing credit.

6. You always feel there’s more to do.

HSPs are deeply passionate about their work in the world, whether that be in the form of a career, community involvement, nonprofit, or side project. When you strive to be just and supportive to others as well as innovative and steadfast, you may have a nagging feeling that there’s more to do. Way more. Turning off your ever-active mind can be a real challenge.

How to overcome it:

Ask yourself how you would support a friend with this problem.

Your desire to contribute to the world in creative ways is a great sensitive strength as a highly sensitive leader. But remember to acknowledge what you’re already bringing to the people and environments around you. You don’t have to do it all. You can say no to things. It doesn’t all need to happen right now. And you can ask for help.

When you do find yourself operating on overdrive, ask yourself how you would advise a close friend. Most likely, you’d show them compassion and point out how much they’re already doing. You would give them permission to rest, delegate, or focus on one thing at a time.

Pause and show yourself the same compassion. It will help you show up more expansively as a leader. And it will create more change in the long run.

A Highly Sensitive Leader is a Beloved Leader

Dear Highly Sensitive Leader, remember this…

There is an endless need for your kind of leadership.

It is like a canvas waiting for you to bring your assortment of brushes and colors to its surface. Waiting for you to perceive possibilities, lay out plans, explore new strokes, and transform when necessary.

Your sensitive energy is a gift to the world. If you embrace it, you can be the rare leader who is kind and gentle. Give that gift and start to guide others. Just, please, be kind and gentle with yourself as well.

Do you face self-criticism as a highly sensitive leader? If so, read:

“The Myth About Your Inner Critic (And What You Need to Know)”

“Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP”

How to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

How to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

by | Oct 12, 2018 | Highly Sensitive Person, HSP Relationships, Personal Growth

Do you find it difficult to say no without guilt? Many highly sensitive people are so in tune with the feelings and needs of others, that it can be difficult to set boundaries and say no without feeling guilty.

Yet, it’s critical that highly sensitive people learn to say no without guilt when necessary to practice self-care and create healthy relationships. If we don’t, we can easily end up overwhelmed, resentful, codependent, and the list goes on…

I was recently attending a retreat in a group much larger than I expected. I knew from the start that this was an opportunity to practice what I have always encouraged my retreat guests to do–ask for what I need as an highly sensitive introvert participant.

Throughout the week, there were many moments, when I clearly stated my needs. I managed to say no without guilt on several occasions. An truly, I left feeling liberated by how simple it can be to say no once you can in the habit of doing it.

Let me first say that like you, I’ve had that boss or relative with whom it wasn’t so easy. I realize that not all relationships and situations are the same. Learning to say no without guilt to family members has been one of my biggest lifelong challenges.

But to set boundaries in challenging relationships, it helps to start by practicing in simple everyday situations.

3 Steps to Say No Without Guilt as a Highly Sensitive Person

1) Tune in. Take time to check in with yourself. There are times you may feel you have to give an answer right away when in reality, you can ask for time to respond. Ask yourself how a “yes” or “no” feels in your body. Notice where in your body you feel it and what your body has to say.

As you practice noticing and listening to your needs, it becomes easier to access your answer and say no without guilt. Bringing awareness to how your body feels in a given situation helps you more readily spot old patterns that don’t serve you.

2) Know that it’s not just for you. Often times you feel your answer. Yet, you get stuck feeling bad if you don’t do what the other wants you to do. In these moments, it’s critical to remember that sacrificing your needs doesn’t serve anyone.

Even if it feels like you’re helping another person, when you silence your needs, you harm yourself and the relationship because you’re not being honest.

It’s important to remember that human beings grow in challenging times. If you’re protecting someone else’s needs, you may just be preventing that person from going through some vital experiences they need to grow.

3) Voice your answer. Sometimes you want to say “yes”, but with a condition or boundary. So, say so, but remember that people (including children!) respond better to, “Yes, as soon as…” than, “No, I can’t…” Here are some examples of using “yes” while holding boundaries:

“Yes, I can help. This weeks won’t work for me, but I can lend a hand next week.”
“Sure, I’ll come. I’d like to see you, but I just so you to know, I’ll likely need to leave early.”

When you need to say “no”, you can be both firm and kind. Avoid giving reasons for why you can’t or don’t want to do something, as some people will challenge your reasons or push to find a way to get you to meet their needs. No is enough, so respect your “no” without feeling guilty. Here are some examples of what to say:

“I’m sorry, but it’s not going to work for me.”
“Unfortunately, that’s just not something I can do right now.”
“It sounds fun, but I won’t be available that day.”

4) Express gratitude. First, show yourself appreciation for the times when you do set boundaries. If this has been a long struggle for you, standing up for yourself can be profound. Give yourself some love and soak up the feeling of empowerment. And in the times when you feel you fall short, be compassionate with yourself.

Likewise, it’s empowering to express gratitude to the people that honor your needs. It’s easy to assume people ought to behave in certain ways, which can mean taking people who respect your boundaries for granted.

A simple, “Hey, thank you for being so understanding about…” or, “It wasn’t easy for me to ask for that, so I really appreciate that you…” can go a long way in growing intimate relationships. And it positively reinforces the relationship dynamic making it more likely for the other to respect your boundaries in the future.

For many highly sensitive people, learning how to say no without guilt can take time. But it can also be deeply healing. Be patient and compassionate with yourself through your process.

What have you found to be helpful when it comes to your boundaries as a highly sensitive person? Feel free to share in a comment below.

How to Let Go of Shame and Bring Healing Your Heart

How to Let Go of Shame and Bring Healing Your Heart

by | Dec 8, 2017 | Personal Growth, Trauma

This post was republished with permission from www.tinybuddha.com. You can find the original post here: “How to Move Past the Fear of Judgment and Break the Silence of Shame”. 

“If we can share our story with someone who responds with empathy and understanding, shame can’t survive.” ~Brené Brown

Every time I think I’ve unloaded most of the pain from my past, something surfaces that tells me I have more work to do.

Just before #metoo became a thing, my boyfriend and I were cuddling one morning. I’m not sure what the trigger was, but out of nowhere, my thoughts rolled down a hill and into a painful memory that I must have blocked out.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as my whole body curled up into the fetal position. He asked me what was wrong and I slowly told him about a sexual trauma I had experienced.

We are radically honest with one another. Sharing the not so beautiful has deepened our connection. I thought I had shared my darkest secrets that carry shame.

I was wrong.

I had minimized and buried this story. Maybe subconsciously, I was afraid he would see this situation as my fault. He absolutely didn’t, and sharing my experience with him made me feel like a heavy burden was lifted.

This last part rang especially true the following week when the #metoo hashtag went viral. It was during that week of teasing through my feelings and thoughts that I realized just how much confusion shame can create.

The word shame can evoke such discomfort that we often don’t see how it shows up in our lives.

If there’s one emotion I see as most prevalent and most hidden in the work I do, it’s shame. Every time I lead a workshop or retreat, there’s a common theme that I witness in nearly everyone. As humans, we all tend to feel in some way that we’re unworthy.

Yet, the last thing we want to do is acknowledge our shame and vulnerability.

But if left buried, shame inevitably causes harm to ourselves and our relationships. In my experience, I’ve seen firsthand how understanding and shedding light on our scars can hold the key to healing.

Shame is the emotion that says, “I am bad. I am unworthy.”

It’s not that we did something bad and feel remorseful. That’s guilt. Guilt says, “I did something bad.” But shame is the internalization of “I am bad.”

Most of us, even if we had kind, loving parents, grew up feeling a bit like we had to censor our true feelings and experiences. We may have done this to avoid dismay, protect others, or keep the peace in our families.

We’re conditioned from a young age to feel shame when we learn who we shouldn’t be in the world. But as we get older, we don’t need others to make us feel shame. Shame becomes easily internalized and lives in that voice that says, “It’s dangerous to let others hear my story,” or, “They won’t love me if I share this secret.”

Who we are becomes fragmented so that we hide the parts of ourselves we want no one to see. We unconsciously employ defense mechanisms. While those defense mechanisms might help us to survive, they’re bound to stand in the way of having healthy relationships and growing a sense of self-love.

When we’re afraid to share our vulnerable side because we believe it would render us flawed, dirty, weak, and so forth, we’re carrying shame.

Shame is carried silently and secretly for fear of judgment; yet, it is the self-judgment that grows the longer we conceal our vulnerability.

I refuse to keep painful secrets festering inside of me, as I know that will only keep me repressed and disempowered in the long run.

All humans experience shame, and it presents in many ways. Here are a few examples I’ve noticed within myself that maybe you can relate to:

  • Being too sensitive and emotional
  • Not doing enough to “save” my mother from her death
  • Being too selfish to fully want to be a mother myself
  • Feeling I’m not ambitious or smart enough to live up to my potential
  • Struggling to communicate clearly when I have too much in my head
  • Feeling too “needy” with my partner at times
  • Believing I was somehow at fault for the sexual abuses I have experienced

My personal list could go on… But what I noticed when writing this list is that while many of the original sources of shame might be specific people or society as a whole, the critic is still me.

When we keep shame locked away inside, we get stuck in feelings of inadequacy. Shame may cause us to feel mentally or physically ill. Feelings of inadequacy can be accompanied by emotions such as anxiety, anger, and loneliness. And when we feel inadequate, we sometimes develop destructive ways of relating to others: avoidance, lying, blaming others, attempts to control others, and so forth.

So how can we deal with this lurking self-critic that wants to keep our stories in the dark?

1. Speak kindly to yourself.

Most likely, at some point you’ve heard the phrase, “Shame on you,” or, “You should be ashamed.” It can easily become habit to talk similarly to ourselves and challenging to learn to speak kindly.

A simple framework for healing I teach comes from an ancient Hawaiian tradition called H’oponopono. H’oponopono means “to make right,” and it’s rooted in the essence of reconciliation and compassion.

H’oponopono consists of four phrases: I’m sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. You can use these phrases speaking to another person. And you can use them with yourself. Here’s a personal example of the latter:

Melissa, I’m sorry for making you feel the trauma you experienced was your fault.

Melissa, please forgive me for placing blame on yourself and carrying shame all these years.

Melissa, thank you for your courage to shine light on your vulnerability and resilience.

Melissa, I love you and I commit to treating you with lovingkindness.

2. Self-soothe with movement and massage.

Think about what happens to your body when you recall a memory that carries shame. Often our bodies slump sinking our heart into the back body. Our gaze drops and our brows furrow.

Emotions, including shame, reside in the body. Much of what I practice and teach relates to physical ways to release stuck emotion for this reason.

If we want to reduce the unworthy and unlovable feelings we carry, it can help to self-soothe your body through dynamic movement practices like yoga and dance. Self-massage, tapping, and comforting touch while speaking kindly to yourself can help to release shame.

3. Share your story.

The most uncomfortable, but perhaps most effective method I can offer you is to share.

You don’t have to share your vulnerability with the whole world. Many of my friends shared courageous, deeply personal stories on Facebook in response to #metoo. For a moment, I thought I had to share this way as well, but then I did some reflection.

There are times I share my vulnerability through my blog or when I hold space for a group. But I don’t always want to share everything with strangers. In those cases, my partner is my greatest witness because of his ability to hold space for me.

Whether you share in a twelve-step program, with a loved one, or therapist, or in an article for the world to see, there’s immense healing power in this process. When our voices are heard and we’re seen just as we are, we open up the door to growing a new sense of self-acceptance and self-worth.

Mindful Camino Lesson #4: You must prepare for spontaneity

Mindful Camino Lesson #4: You must prepare for spontaneity

by | Sep 29, 2017 | Anxiety, Grief and Loss, Personal Growth, Self Care

“You must plan to be spontaneous.” – David Hockney

A couple years ago, I attended a workshop taught by James Boag, who teaches applied yoga philosophy. He mentioned the above quote and it’s been with me ever since. Yet, I began to understand it at a deeper level while walking on the Camino de Santiago.

I’ll explain what I learned on the Camino, but first, let’s take a look at preparation and spontaneity.

If you’re a planner, you might be drawn to having an element of control and certainty in your life. But you may also know the limitations of trying to prepare and account for every detail of a life trajectory, event, and so forth. Plans often go awry and require improvisation and adjustment.

If you’re a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person, you might avoid planning. You might take risks simply trusting that things will work out. After all, you want an opportunity to change your mind and join the adventure of life.

And then maybe you’re a bit of both like me. You see, I’m a planner. I like my life to be organized and I prefer to know what’s coming on my calendar. Anyone who has known me as a colleague or partner would attest to this. At the same time, spontaneity fills me with a sense of adventure and I like the freedom I feel when I’m spontaneous.

The thing is, I haven’t always integrated these two parts of me into the balance I think is necessary.

What I Learned About Spontaneity on the Camino de Santiago

Many people take a year to prepare to hike a journey like this. It requires some diligent planning with respect to logistics, packing lists…and physical preparedness.

I booked my ticket just two months before my departure. And while I spent some time on logistics and loads of time packing, I did not give adequate attention to my body.

My weekend hikes did little to prepare me since the Midwest is mostly flat. Yoga and occasional biking may have done something. But I failed to engage in regular weight-bearing exercises, as well as see a doctor before leaving (the knee issue was not new).

Instead, I remembered my 29-year old body hiking a five-day trek in Colombia with challenging inclines and long days. I remembered my 27-year old body hiking straight up volcanoes for hours in Guatemala. I conveniently avoided thinking about my 33-year old knee that cried out in pain two years ago while hiking through a canyon in Utah with a heavy pack. I really assumed that if I had some initial pain on the Camino, my body would adapt eventually. And I was wrong.

But here’s the thing. What I came out of that experience realizing was not just I need to prepare extensively just before a trek like that, but that I need to prepare all year round. That is, if I want to be spontaneous when I’m called to adventure, I have to already be prepared in my body. This means I start now–well, as soon as I get medical advice on my knee.

Thankfully, there’s a part of me that was very prepared during my Camino…

The Deeper Reason We Must Balance Spontaneity and Planning

It’s become increasingly apparent to me that the balance between preparation and spontaneity is vital to living a healthy, full life. And I’ll tell you why.

There’s the obvious reason that too much impulsivity can be destructive, like in the example of the Camino. And rigidity can be too. Trust me, if I were married to my plans going exactly as hoped for every retreat I lead, I’d be a mess.

But I do see preparation as something we must do physically, mentally, and emotionally every step of our lives so that when our plans for life go off course, we can adapt without overwhelm and debilitating anxiety.

I think back to the months leading up to my stepmom’s passing earlier this year. My dad would often talk about how he was preparing for an emotional marathon by way of his workouts and seeking support from loved ones. This was his way of planning to survive the loss.

I, too, have undertaken a lifetime of mental preparation for various challenges to come in my life.

My mental strength was not enough to get me through the Camino physically. It got me through the pain for a while all right, but it couldn’t overpower the cry from my body telling me to stop. In this sense, my mind was more than I could ever have asked for in helping me arrive at the decision to stop my Camino. Trust me, that was one of the largest challenges.

If I can recommend one piece of advice for preparing for spontaneity it is to take time for self-care. That is, take time to get to know yourself–your emotions, your mental tendencies, your body. And then take time to nourish each of those areas of your life.

Mindful Camino Lesson #3: Stop Hiding Your Scars

Mindful Camino Lesson #3: Stop Hiding Your Scars

by | Sep 28, 2017 | Anxiety, Personal Growth, Self Care, Trauma

Scars. We all have scars and we all hide them. Today I’ll share with you one of my biggest insecurities, as well as some steps to embrace your scars.

I confess that my insecurity is rather superficial. As deep as some of my thinking may be, at times I get down on myself in a petty way.

We have visible and invisible scars that leave imprints on our lives. Yet, scars tend to have one thing in common: shame. Shame comes when we lack acceptance of our imperfections. We often see ourselves as flawed and unworthy…of love, success, belonging, happiness, etc. We struggle to see ourselves as whole. You don’t have to look far to see how prevalent lack of self-worth is in our society.

The Scar That Makes Me Self-Conscious

I have my share of emotional scars. But it’s the physical scars that make me feel insecure. I’ve dealt with acne for a whopping 23 years of my life. Its severity has waned at times, but it has always been a part of my life.

I love being my most natural self. I feel best when I’m barefoot and braless. I have two gray hairs that I adore. Feeling free of societal concepts of beauty is what makes me feel alive and feminine. But then there’s my concealer…

My concealer has been my crutch for years to cover up pimples and scarring. I’ve tried multiple elimination diets, dermatologists, medications, and natural remedies, but little changed.

And when people ask you what’s wrong with your skin–you tend to want to hide it. So that’s what I did. I used to get anxious and sometimes angry when a boyfriend would watch me put on makeup. I wouldn’t crash at a friend’s if I didn’t have my beloved concealer to go to brunch the next day. I envied the “perfect skin” people I’d meet.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve had this idea in my head of people saying, “Melissa would be pretty…if just her skin…” Do we all have these inner imaginary voices?

Removing My Mask on the Camino de Santiago

I wore a little concealer on the first day of the Camino. But the next day, I awoke with a sense of simplicity, so my concealer stayed buried deep in my backpack.

I encountered many pilgrims that evening at the albergue. No one commented on my skin. They all asked about my knees.

A couple of days later, when I sent a bag of belongings away to lighten my load, my concealer and a couple of other small makeup items went with it. I didn’t even think twice. I was ready to spend the next 10 days unmasked.

And I did. I got used to not thinking about my skin other than to wash it and apply sunscreen. I got so used to not wearing makeup that when I actually arrived in a larger city and went out to a restaurant with my fellow pilgrims, I didn’t even think about my scars. And you know what?

I’m not saying I’ll never wear makeup again. But I developed a sense of freedom and self-love in my process of allowing myself to be vulnerable and embracing my skin as it is.

There is great strength and empowerment in allowing our scars to show, whether physical or emotional.

How to Embrace Your Scars

  1. Remember you’re not alone. Everyone has scars. If you’ve experienced past trauma, you’re not alone. If you have stretch marks, you’re not alone. If you’ve lost a breast, you’re not alone. When we realize this, we have an ability to choose to share our scars openly to encourage and support those around us.
  2. Give up perfection. We need to let the unattainable illusions of magazines and Instagram go. I am seeing a trend toward more people sharing photos of cellulite and talking about their depression openly on social media, and I think this is the path. If you want to be perfect, be the real and authentic you. That is perfection.
  3. Embrace your scars. So, in the case of a more profound scar like emotional abuse, that scar is part of your story, but it doesn’t define you. Rather, it’s an indicator of resilience and perhaps lessons learned. I look at my example of acne scarring and I believe it’s made me more compassionate toward others. I have a friend who has struggled with her self-image for years. Her insecurities are different than mine, but I realize we both have them and my scars help me to arrive at greater empathy.
  4. Let your scars shine. When we stop concealing our perceived flaws, we give them less power and stop living in fear. A sense of freedom and love is invited into our bodies and minds. Our scars then can become a tool for sharing our vulnerability, and that vulnerability just might mean the world to someone else.

What scars are you hiding? How are you giving them power?