An Essential Reason We Need Others for Self-Care

by | Apr 25, 2016 | Personal Growth, Self Care, Yoga

You know, in the last week I spent $435 on self-care in two seemingly disparate areas of my life.

As a yoga teacher, social worker, and someone who underwent a fair amount of therapy in her youth, I strive to cultivate self-awareness as part of my self-care practice. I also happen to have a partner who relishes self-analysis as much as I do… you can imagine what it is like to be a fly on the wall.

With this proclivity, it sometimes feels like we’ve got life covered. I can talk to my partner. I can do yoga. I can journal. I can cook. I can figure it out. Until… maybe I can’t…or even if I can…I need more.

So, I spent four days in a yoga workshop with senior teacher, Kim Wilcox. I wanted additional training on class sequencing to grow my anatomical knowledge, enhance my creativity, and make me a better teacher. I got all this from the training.

But what’s more is that I also found a new way of practicing that energized me and relieved my chronic back pain–for the whole day.

Kim was my mirror and she didn’t even know it. She reflected back to me some of what I was already feeling in my body, but she also provided me with a framework for moving toward greater health and energy to take care of myself.

The same phenomenon occurred last Wednesday when visited a therapist.

I have been struggling with certain personal relationships for a while and recently started to notice that I was sacrificing my own truth while letting others write the relationship contracts.

Shrinking my own voice has been a common theme in my life (I was doing this 17 years ago too).

I needed an extra boost to push me in the direction of truth. I needed another mirror.

And the truth is that sometimes we cling to unhealthy, but comfortable patterns when we have fear. Fear of change. Fear of discomfort. Fear of someone not loving us. Fear of having to face ourselves.

And even when the right answer is deep within our cells, sometimes it does not always feel clear…and of course, it is that much more difficult to implement it in our attempt to practice self-care. 

This is the time when we learn to listen to the voice inside that says she needs support to find clarity.

That support comes in countless ways and we must honor it when we need it.

I live in a country that prides itself on independence—and well, I think sometimes we internalize this concept and take it too far. We are ALL interdependent. I do believe our answers lie within us and at the same time I know the value of having teachers, mentors, therapists, and guides.

One of our greatest strengths as human beings is to be able to ask for help when we need it.

For me, asking for guidance moved me in the direction of creating healthier contracts with my own body and mind, as well as my relationships.

Having support in living my own truth is what allows me to take care of myself and hold space for others.

3 Key Components to Practicing Compassion During Injury

by | Nov 9, 2015 | Personal Growth, Self Care, Yoga

It can be difficult to practice compassion toward ourselves when faced with an injury.

We get frustrated with our bodies. We become self-critical when we don’t heal fast enough.

But to heal, we need kindness and compassion.

Today I want to share with you 3 key components of practicing compassion.

But first, a story.

I recently went backpacking and camping for a week in the southwest.

On day two, we were canyoneering through the Narrows in Zion National Park when I began to feel intense shooting pains in the joint capsule of my knee.

We were in the middle of a canyon applying agility with every precipitous stepping stone–and a good 10-hour hike away from being out of the canyon the next day.

Thoughts whirled in my mind.

How was I going to hike all this way?

Why is my body behaving like this for? I am a yoga practitioner and avid hiker. I don’t have knee problems.

Ow, it really hurts.

What if continuing this hike jacks up my knee permanently? I’m turning 34. How will I hike in my 60s?

I don’t want to complain. How would my stepdad have reacted? He never complained of the suffering he endured with Mesothelioma. Let me be like him. And what about my mom–her response to suffering? Oh god, this is just a knee…

Ouch.

Trauma sprung. Tears came pouring. There’s a lot I could say here, but…

I made it out of the Narrows. My knee returned to its strength and I returned to my mat.

When I got back to Chicago, a clumsy collision with a door frame at home landed me with a broken phalange. Bam. Crack. Uff.

I hobbled for 8 days with a poor tape job on my baby toe before seeing a podiatrist (apparently, taping the fifth toe to the fourth is a no-no).

I also hobbled along with a poor excuse to not do my yoga practice, but continued to walk, move things, teach yoga, and even audition at a studio–all while in a great deal of pain.

One of my yoga teachers advised me to do standing poses. Inside I balked, but realized maybe he was right. It is just my baby toe after all. Maybe continuing through the pain would help the healing process. Stop creating excuses, mind.

Then I asked the podiatrist if I could do yoga, he replied with an emphatic, “Nooooooo. Stay off it. It needs to rest.” And the mind said…”Yep, best to stay off of it. Excuse okay here.”

As competing thoughts patterns inhabited my mind, I acknowledged that what lies between is a middle path…a middle path that honors ahimsa, the Sanskrit word for “compassion” or “nonviolence”.

Ahimsa is rooted in the notion that violence can take place in our thoughts, words, and actions and when we have ill thoughts, they lead to derisive words and harmful actions. These, in turn, create destructive habits and ignorant conditioning. When we do harm to ourselves, we harm others and vice versa.

I constantly remind myself that yoga is not just asana (physical poses). The yoga practice takes place off the mat in how we lives our lives, interact with others, treat ourselves, etc. But to only practice off the mat can impede our ability to practice tapas (self-discipline). And providing space for tapas serves as our point of reference to continuously do the work of yoga.

I would be a fraud if I suggested I am over this battle in my head. It is never over. It’s always there.

It is a constant practice of listening to the body and choosing compassion. Nonviolence is not passive; it is active, intentional thought, word, or action or absence thereof. It is a balance of allowing rest and still forcing myself to move past excuse and onto my mat in a way I know is good for me right now. I have adapted my Mysore practice accordingly. See below for more info.

3 Ways to Practice Compassion During Injury:

1. Track your thoughts:

In yoga, we practice observing our thoughts when faced with discomfort and challenging emotions. Still, we tend to disavow both our strengths and weaknesses, breakthroughs and shortcomings. This is a balance of examining where you can push and where you can pull back, where you need perseverance and where you need gentleness. Where are you being too harsh? Where are you making excuses? They both warrant a turn to ahimsa.

I have been taking 10 minutes each morning to meditate and 30 minutes to journal. It is a practice of stillness while simply observing thoughts and then allowing time to reflect on paper. Even if you can only devote 10 minutes to sit in stillness and observe what comes up, this will have a profound impact on your life.

2. Watch your words.

Words often follow thoughts. And they have power. I have found myself uttering the words “my stupid broken toe” or “my friggin’ knee”. Each time, I have immediately recanted my words as I realized these words were unkind and not useful for my body. I love my toe. I love my knee. I love my body.

Words also make actions more real. I recently told my boyfriend, that I was making a commitment to self-care and compassion for myself–a commitment to myself and the women I will be holding retreat space for in January. I wake up at the same time every morning to meditate for 10 minutes, journal for 30, and then practice yoga for an hour in a way that honors where my body is that day–the same practice I will be asking of the women. Stating that commitment aloud has made it easier to stay on track with my own self-compassion.

If you are working through a particular issue and find the same negative thoughts, words and speech arising, take a moment to journal the new thoughts and words you would like to generate in place of the negative ones. Use those affirmations in your thoughts and verbal processes.

3. Attend to your actions.

You only get one body. If you are experiencing an injury or pain of any sort, let this be a time to make friends with your body. We are hypercritical of our thighs, skin, achy joints, and lack of flexibility. Make a conscious choice to fall in love with yourself–every aspect of you.

The only way you will hear how to best nourish your body is if you take time to really hear it. I went to a talk last night by a wonderful teacher and storyteller, James Boag. He reminded us that wild animals are always fit. They know exactly how to eat, when to eat, and how to move as part of their inherent instincts. I would go further and suggest they also know what their abilities and limitations are in times of injury. And they bounce back. They recover quickly.

Through these last two minor injuries (and they are minor!) I have experienced some fear and uncertainty. But it is only fear. When I really listen, my body tells me what it needs. It is unnecessary to follow all of the other voices around me. And it always needs movement and yoga–in a way that respects the principle of ahimsa.

How I adapt my Mysore practice:

You may have seen this video circulating on Facebook at some point. It shows a great way to modify the entire Ashtanga Primary Series without standing poses.

If this guy with a broken femur could continue his practice–anyone can practice. My little toe certainly is not going to stop me. The practice certainly feels different, but I find it still creates heat and offers most of the same benefits.

Have you had an injury that has affected your practice? How do you practice compassion?

Feeling Down? A Simple Trick to Ignite Your Strength

by | Sep 24, 2015 | Personal Growth, Self Care, Travel, Yoga

We all experience glum moods and irritation.

Sometimes it comes from an external circumstance. And sometimes it arises for what feels like no reason at all.

Today I will share with you a super simple way to spruce up your energy anywhere and anytime.

The other day I was sitting at the airport with a delayed flight…of four hours.

I had just finished an energizing few days visiting a friend.

But I was also been yearning to be in the presence of my partner…more than ever. Like, I really missed him.

Those four extra hours feel like an eternity.

The lovely Spirit Airlines (yes, we have a codependent sort of relationship—you keep behaving in a destructive way and I will pretend all is well) was about to grace the ornery passengers with amazingly generous food vouchers of a whopping $7.00.

While I was standing in line, I found myself slouching and slumping into negativity.

I quickly activated my “Tadasana” feet, legs, and spine. What a difference.

If you are unfamiliar with Tadasana, it is Mountain Pose. If you did not know any better, you’d think it is just standing.

But Mountain Pose is a very active pose energizing every body part from the inner arches of the feet to the skin on the back of the head.

I realized in that moment, that Tadasana is a pose that truly activates the mind into an alert and conscious state.

It is the pose that helps us to stand taller like a mountain, but also be taller and higher in our minds—just as we are when we are at the foothills of a mountain.

It reminds us not to get bogged down in the small hiccups of life and that all is in perfect harmony if we are in the mind.

Tadasana/Mountain Pose

1. Stand with your feet parallel at hip distance.

2. Distribute your weight evenly through all four corners of the feet—inner heel, outer heel, ball of the foot, and outer ball of the foot.

3. Lift up through the inner arches of your feet.

4. Tuck your tailbone slightly so that it points down toward the ground as you lift up through the pit of the abdomen.

5. Raise your heart and drop the low ribs gently.

6. Lift the back of the skull.

7. Breathe. Notice.

8. Be kind to yourself and others.

9. Trust that all is in perfect order.

How do you use Tadasana? Share your thoughts below!

Cheating on Yoga…

Cheating on Yoga…

by | Sep 15, 2015 | Personal Growth, Self Care, Uncategorized, Yoga

That’s right.

It’s not that I took up pilates or the local pole fit class.

Nope–I fell in love.

It is no surprise that my rhythm and ritual practice could be comprised by love. We have all been there; love has a tendency to flip us upside down and rattle our root chakra–the chakra associated with stability and grounding. Love frequently throws it into turmoil as old patterns, fears, and emotions surface.

The irony is that this comes just after I gave a workshop in July about the importance of ritual practice in self-care. And here I am, a complete hypocrite who has sacrificed her personal rituals in the name of love.

Over the last two months, I have identified a handful of believable excuses to talk myself out of practicing and attending workshops for which I would normally make time.

My current work schedule keeps me up late–I’m exhausted and need rest.

His place is too far from my yoga studio. I don’t have the time for traffic.

I forgot my yoga clothes.

I don’t have time.

What has happened is that I have temporarily replaced one love with another.

My dedication to everything yoga quickly waned when I began to feel a similar sort of sensation arise with my new boyfriend.

Suddenly, I discovered that his arms around me for an extra hour or two has repeatedly trumped the quiet whispers from my yoga mat begging me to come practice with her sacred support.

For the first time in my life, I feel unwavering commitment to my partner and the relationship we have entered; yet, I have found myself in a period of lesser commitment to the practice of yoga.

What I have been reminded of here is just how easy it is for me to lose part of myself in relationship.

I have felt ambivalent to share certain parts of my spiritual thoughts and beliefs for fear of his judgment. It’s silly really. He fell in love with me as the earth spirit that I am knowing our differences. He has shown me nothing but full love and support. So why the fear? I don’t think I need to answer that…

Anyone who has dated me might say I can be rigid and stubborn at times, but the paradox is that I can also be too flexible–flexible in the sense of not fully being who I am and honoring all of what is important to me.

Make no mistake that I also have a very flexible body in yoga practice–and strength is what I lack.

While relationships require a middle path, that middle path still requires two whole human beings who are willing to fully be themselves with strength.

Now, every time I make a conscious choice to voice my ideas and beliefs to him without shame and fully express who I am, I feel a greater closeness.

The best days are the days when we both honor our personal practices.

The other night, I told one of my teachers that I feel like I have been cheating on yoga. He looked and me and confidently responded, “It’s okay, Melissa; you can two-time.”

That I can. And I feel lucky to be graced with the welcome and love of both my mat and man.

9 Unexpected Lessons Learned in Yoga Teacher Training

by | Apr 2, 2015 | Personal Growth, Self Care, Uncategorized, Yoga

As a student of yoga in many forms since age 16, I knew how the practice transformed me. I had no idea there would be so much more in teacher training. The lessons are expansive and plentiful; here are a few:

1. It is possible to love winter.

Before teacher training, I spent two years out of the country living in Ecuador and Mexico and traveling to half a dozen other countries. Upon my return to Chicago, I had not planned to stay and endure another Midwestern winter. When I chose to stay for teacher training, I wondered how I would manage.

I quickly found winter to be the perfect time for introspection. As I heard others complain about the weather, I even found myself saying, “It’s not so bad,” as I spent my time studying, practicing, and cooking up sattvic comfort food.

If you are surrounded by a community of seekers, creators, learners, and teachers, it does not matter where you are.

2. Your greatest teachers may become your greatest friends and your greatest friends your teachers.

Amazing men and women become yoga teachers. In the years past, I thought I needed to live in some bohemian expat community across the globe to find people who “get it” or “get me”. All the while, there was an incredible community of individuals doing deep soul work with their dharma right in my hometown of Chicago. What’s more is that Midwesterners are grounded to begin with, so yoga here is filled with authenticity and real people.

Open your heart to all of the meaningful connections that come into your life. You have no idea where the connections will lead. Gravitate toward the teachers that drive you nuts. You have something to learn from them. Notice how the other trainees become your greatest teachers as you see yourself reflected in the individual and collective process of becoming a teacher.

3. Dogma comes in all forms and serves no one.

I used to think of myself as this policy wonk. I fought tooth and nail with my dad at every meal about matters of foreign policy, poverty–you name it. I couldn’t wait to expound on all of my progressive ideas I had accumulated at the University of Wisconsin-Madison. My dad and I would sit around bolstering up our egos while our relatives rolled their eyes.

When I began practicing Ashtanga Yoga, I started to let go of the attachment I had to political convictions; however, the dogmatic part of me took a new form. I began to think of Ashtanga as the best form of yoga. This was my path and surely this would be the only form I would teach.

Thanks to Moksha Yoga Center’s wide array of teachers and philosophies, I learned to open my heart to so many other amazing practices. I find something that serves me in every class I take, and this well-rounded exposure will ultimately serve my students. Interestingly enough, Ashtanga has become that much more meaningful to me because of the sensation of openness I carry.

You can always find ways to bolster up your ego—even in yoga; bolster your sit bones instead.

4. Trusting our own intuition can be the toughest challenge.

Yoga Sutra 1.2 states, “yogash chitta vritti nirodhah”, which can translate to “yoga suspends thought activity”. Yoga calms the mind and you come to yoga to let go, right?

The irony is that sometimes the more you practice, the more “chitta vrittis” (“mind stuff”) you must learn to suspend. Teacher training disrupts any sort of thought management system you believed you had nailed.

I have an entire cabinet of voices in my head at any given time during my practice telling me how to breathe and arrange my body on the mat.

All of these voices become a turbulent tornado as you wonder who and what is right. Learning your own body and breath to know what is right for you is truly the work here…that evolves as well.

5. Language and teaching = empowerment.

I had no idea it would be so hard to cue yoga poses. Really. Language is everything and cuing requires careful attention to precision and various “layers” of cuing stance, breath, feeling sensation, etc.

By bringing my attention to language for how to cue yoga sequencing, I have also redesigned how I apply my language overall.  I’m not “bad at Supta Kurmasana”, but “Supta Kurmasana is a challenge for me”. I refrain from using negative phrasing whenever possible and this has shifted my sense of self and interface with the others.

Perhaps the biggest lesson in yoga teacher training is finding your own “teaching voice” and confidence with leading.

6. Just when you think you are taking responsibility for choices, you realize there is more to take.

As a teacher trainee, you will be compelled to look in the mirror and accept full responsibility for what you create. Victim language and attitudes are nothing new to me. I believe that karmically we choose our parents based on what we need to learn; this makes the blame game impossible.

Yet, I realize that I have made certain choices (namely career/work changes) during my teacher training journey, which have absolutely wreaked havoc on my routine. Who made those choices? Why? Whose responsibility is it when I don’t show up to my mat?

Yoga helps us to see ourselves more clearly and take a look at why we might not be showing up 100 percent in our practice, relationships, jobs, and with ourselves.

7. Make time for your own practice

I hear so many people say that they began teacher training to “deepen their personal practice”, not necessarily to teach. Well, as I have illustrated, it is almost certain your personal practice will deepen off the mat in your behavior, food choices, and thought processes.

The largest challenge for me has been making time to deepen my practice on the mat. Workshops, reading, apprenticeships, thesis projects, and other course requirements become convenient excuses for skipping personal practice.

Be prepared that your formerly focused practice will now be laden with voices from various teachers, which may lead you to question what you are doing.

Your body will crave yoga and you will think of ways to ignore that craving. Listen to it when it calls.

8. It’s okay to dare to be the weirdo, if that’s who you are.

There is this thing about sitting or standing for too long that just kills me and I feel a need to stretch or balance on a limb. So, yes, I find myself unknowingly taking vrksasana/tree pose in the middle of a social gathering while telling my cousin about my moon cycle, as she laughs and says, “Your moon cycle?”

I don’t mind if people think my eating habits are strange. And it’s okay that I’m not seeking a husband and children. I do what I love and what feels right.

I have spent my life feeling like an outsider in a world driven by consumerism, television, and working oneself into the ground for 50 years to be able to enjoy life when your 70. I don’t get it.

Being in teacher training has shown me that there are other weirdos like me, and even weirdos that want to learn from this weirdo.

9. I have so much to learn.

It’s called practice for a reason. Yoga is a journey of discovering union with yourself and the surrounding world. The more I experience and learn, the more I realize there is to learn.

Study with many teachers in many forms. Study with yourself.

Namaste, peace seekers.