Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP

Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP

by | Jun 20, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Trauma

Transforming Self-Criticism as an HSP

You know how your sensitivity can feel like a weakness, but it can actually be one of your greatest sources of strength?

Well, what if I told you that critical voice in your head has similar aspects? What if your inner critic could indeed shift from being a voice of shame to a voice of empowerment?

Hear me out…

I know how tiring it is to deal with self-criticism as an HSP. The world is exhausting enough for your sensitive nervous system. You don’t need to feel berated by your inner critic on top of it all.

Chances are you’ve tried a myriad of methods to break the self-criticism cycle and may feel skeptical about what I’m going to suggest. I get it. It can be tough to see through the myths about your inner critic.

But the approach I’m sharing with you has profoundly shifted my own relationship with my inner critic, as well as other parts of myself I used to dislike. What I’ve outlined in this article is drawn from a model called Internal Family Systems.

What Is Internal Family Systems?

Developed by Richard Schwartz, Internal Family Systems (IFS) is a method of individual psychotherapy that views the mind as made up of a complex system inner “parts” or subpersonalities. The way those parts show up is different for everyone, but the parts are like an inner family with various stories, roles, feelings, and intentions for you. Just like a family, inner parts can be in conflict with one another.

The IFS approach recognizes that we have hurt, wounded parts and other parts that aim to protect and take control of the system so that those wounded parts don’t get triggered. In addition to wounded and protector parts, this model suggests that each of us has what IFS calls Self energy. From the IFS perspective, the Self is compassionate, curious, and calm and the true essence of who we really are.

IFS offers an “all parts welcome” way to relate to parts, harmonize the inner system, and get Self back in the driver’s seat. When it comes to dealing with self-criticism as an HSP, I find this compassionate approach works well in healing our sensitive inner systems.

5 Steps to Healing Self-Criticism as an HSP

You may have already guessed that we usually have more than one inner critic. In your process, you may find those critics surface in different situations for different reasons. The following process can be used with any protective part, so I will refer to a general “critical part”.

As you go through this process, it may be helpful to have a pen and paper handy to write or draw any images that come to mind.

1. Acknowledge the critical part. If the part is not currently activated, bring a situation to mind that triggered inner criticism. Notice if there’s an image that comes up or a sensation in a particular area of your body when the part is present. If an image or body sensation is not present, it’s okay. Parts also show up as thoughts, feelings, and voices. Simply notice what is presenting.

2. Check to see if you’re feeling the emotions of the critical part. The IFS approach is to work with parts from Self energy, the aspects of you that are open and present. If you feel like you’re stuck in the beliefs of the critical part, this may mean you’re what’s called “blended” with the part. Ask the critical part if it would step back so you can get to know and understand it. If the part is unwilling to separate, you can ask what it’s afraid might happen if it gave you space. Do your best to reassure it about trusting the process.

3. Notice how you feel toward the critical part. This is similar to step two, but in this case, there may be what is called a concerned part that has feelings toward the critical part. If you feel anything negative toward the critical part, then another part is present. For example, you may have a part that feels frustrated with the critical part. Let the frustrated part know you understand it’s bothered and ask it if it would be willing to step back so you can get to know the critical part better. You may need to repeat this process if you discover additional parts that have negative feelings toward the critical part. You may also need to do this with parts that feel skeptical or avoidant in some way.

4. Begin to get to know the role of the critical part. Once you are “in Self” and feeling a sense of curiosity toward the critical part, you can begin to ask it questions. You may ask the part the following questions: What does it feel its job is? What does it want you to know? What is it concerned about? How old does it think you are? What is it afraid would happen if it didn’t put you down all the time? Does it like its job or would like a different role. Notice how it responds to these questions.

5. Build trust with the critical part. By now, you may have learned about this part’s positive intentions to protect you, even if its words feel hurtful. If you feel genuine compassion toward it, let it know with a kind gesture or words of love. Let it know you understand and appreciate how hard it’s working for you.

Of course, there is much more extensive work you can do with IFS to help truly unburden protective parts and heal the vulnerable parts they’re protecting. Yet, by simply beginning a curious, compassionate dialogue with a protector, you start to set the foundation for allowing it to trust your capacity when you’re in Self and this allows it to relax.

The above exercise was adapted from the work of Richard Schwartz at The Center for Self-Leadership and Jay Earley’s book, Self-Therapy. While I will continue to share IFS techniques, if you’re interested in taking a deeper dive into the world of IFS, I highly recommend Jay’s book, as well as the resources offered by Richard Schwartz. The Center for Self-Leadership also has a directory of IFS therapists

The Myth About Your Inner Critic (And What You Need to Know)

The Myth About Your Inner Critic (And What You Need to Know)

by | Jun 19, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

The Myth About Your Inner Critic + What You Need to Know

Do you have an overly active inner critic? Some people have stronger inner critics than others. If you’re a highly sensitive person who grew up feeling there was something wrong with you, chances are yours may sound particularly hurtful.

I know what it’s like to have a relentless inner critic constantly throwing jabs that make you feel downright worthless.

My inner critic…

  • Called me overemotional and said I cry too easily.
  • Insisted my acne-scarred skin was ugly without makeup.
  • Scrutinized my work constantly demeaning me over the tiniest mistake.
  • Told me I was an unfocused mess and fed me false predictions of failure.

And well, my sensitive soul sopped up those harsh words like a Bounty paper towel.

Can you relate?

If you’re like me, you’ve likely experimented with loads of approaches to unseat your inner critic. Some of those may include:

  • Ignoring and refusing to listen to it.
  • Engaging in attempts to disprove its abrasive words.
  • Replacing “irrational” thoughts with “rational” ones.
  • Changing your self-talk and repeating positive affirmations.

I’ve been there. And I must say that looking at back at those methods, I now see them like old band-aids that have lost all their adhesive.

Heavy-handed critics will usually find their way back to poke at your wounds.

It’s normal to want to silence and get rid of that critical voice. In fact, many forms of therapy encourage disputing the claims of your critic, so it makes sense to think this method is effective.

But this is a big ole myth. The truth is that the tactics I mentioned often result in a louder, stronger critic.

So, what does work? There are a few things to understand about your critic before you break the cycle.

What You Need to Know About Your Inner Critic

The following theory is based on my personal experience with Internal Family Systems (IFS), a compassionate approach to psychotherapy that provides an effective framework for understanding how your inner critic functions.

1. Your inner critic is a part of your psyche. It’s common to think you have one singular mind with various thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. Yet, the IFS model offers an alternative perspective by suggesting that the psyche is made up of various subpersonalities called “parts”. Often these parts of yourself don’t agree with one another. A simple example of this is the conflict you experience when part of you craves chocolate cake and another part says that isn’t a good idea.

Similarly, you may find yourself putting off an important project. Before you know it, your critical part then chimes in calling you lazy. Through the IFS lens, you have two polarized parts, a procrastinator and a critic, in opposition to each other. If you feel frustrated by the inner critic, that’s yet another part. But here’s the kicker, in this system of parts, none of these parts are actually who you really are. I’ll get into this more in a follow-up article.

2. Your inner critic has good intentions. When the impact of inner critics feels so negative, it can feel like a bit of a paradox to entertain the idea that they have an honorable mission. But the truth is that your inner critic wants to protect you. Of course, the way it goes about this isn’t always helpful or kind.

The thing is that critical parts usually get their roles at a pretty young age. As a child, you may have had a traumatic experience that left you feeling hurt, abandoned, rejected, or ashamed. The psychic system then hides that vulnerable part and another part develops to protect it so that it does not get triggered and overwhelmed with emotions of past trauma. In this way, your inner critic is a protective part of you trying its hardest to keep you from experiencing hurt and pain. It doesn’t know it is causing you harm.

3. Your inner critic won’t usually just go away. The voice doesn’t just go away when you dismiss it or simply replace its words with kind ones. But you can learn to relate to critical parts in a way that relieves them of their extreme roles. As inner critics are usually hard at work to protect vulnerable parts, they’re usually exhausted from carrying around those heavy burdens.

The goal of IFS work is not to eliminate parts, but to help them adopt new roles that are more constructive. Chances are that your critic already functions in some useful ways, but we tend to notice the more negative roles it takes. By getting to know critical parts, you can support them in transforming from authoritarian extremists to nonviolent diplomats.

4. Your inner critic wants to be heard and understood. Other strategies to defeat your inner critic may seem to help temporarily. But critics don’t respond well to being blocked, tamed, or denied. What we resist persists and this is no different with critical parts. Your critic wants its voice heard and needs to tell its story of what it protects.

To work with your inner critic is to take time to get to know and understand its fears from a place of curiosity and compassion, what is called Self in IFS. When you lean in and listen rather than reject and ignore, your inner system can begin to integrate and harmonize.

For a step-by-step approach to working with your inner critic, read: “Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP”

Stuck in a Rut? What to Do to Get Out and Move Forward

Stuck in a Rut? What to Do to Get Out and Move Forward

by | Jun 6, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

Are you stuck in a rut? Everyone falls into a rut at times. Sometimes it’s obvious, but other times it can take a while to even recognize you’re in one.

Weird, right? But it’s true. Being in a rut doesn’t have to mean you’re sprawled on a couch with a sprinkling of potato chip remnants or lifelessly pushing paper at a desk.

Sometimes you get lost in the daily grind detached from a sense of purpose or simply feel stagnant and blocked from moving forward in life.

I didn’t fully realize that I’ve been in a rut until I sat down to write this article. In my case, I’ve had glimmers of hope and creativity. But when I go to move forward, I feel like my little hatchback attempting to break free from being plowed in by a Chicago snowstorm.

This inertia left me feeling frustrated and unmotivated.

I’m sure you can relate. It’s easy to fall into energy-sucking thoughts and patterns that leave little room for the things that help you thrive.

It can seem tough to navigate a way out. Yet, if you can recognize you’re in a rut, you can also take steps to free yourself from it.

How to Know If You’re Stuck in a Rut

If you’re like me and you’re sometimes slow to see you’re in a rut, it can be helpful to have a few indicators in mind.

    • You feel bored with activities you normally find interesting and stimulating.
    • Your sense of creativity feels stifled or nonexistent.
    • You feel you’re spinning your wheels and accomplishing almost nothing.
    • You feel a longing for purpose and unfulfilled.
    • You find yourself falling into old, unhealthy habits that hinder your well-being.
    • You feel aimless and like you’re just going through the motions.
    • You feel fatigued and uninterested in doing much outside of the necessities.  

It’s completely normal to experience these feelings from time to time. At the same time, it’s equally important to know when to seek professional support. If any of the above seem to be severe and persistent symptoms, they can also be signs of depression.

What to Do When You’re Stuck in a Rut

I’ve been there. You’ve been there. We both know that it’s not as simple as making a decision to snap out of it. So what do we do about it?

1. Become aware of your feelings. As humans, we’re programmed to seek pleasure and avoid pain. But pushing uncomfortable feelings aside can give them more power. If you find yourself mindlessly zoning out in front of your TV, turn it off. Close your eyes and notice what thoughts and feelings arise. As you notice them, lean in and pay attention to where they sit in your body. Breathe into that area and extend a compassionate gesture such as a gentle touch, hug, or loving energy to the part of you holding those feelings. Compassionate presence can even help to unburden the most critical inner voices.

2. Remember your suffering is part of collective suffering. When you’re in a rut, you feel alone. It doesn’t help that social media can perpetuate the falsehood that your friends are all leading happy, exciting lives. The truth is that everyone gets stuck and you’re not alone in your experience. Might there be someone else who could be in a rut too? This doesn’t require that you talk to that specific person, if it doesn’t feel right. But when you feel compassion for others in a similar boat, you can have more compassion for your own humanity. Of course, it’s important to recognize when you need support.

3. Reflect on what brings you meaning. Being stuck in a rut suggests that you’re out of alignment with your deepest, true self. Reconnecting with your deeper needs can start you on the path to getting out of the rut. What kind of positive stimulation may be missing from your life? What do you value? Is there anything you’ve always wanted to try or learn? What makes you feel alive? Is there someone who could use your support? Serving others can bring meaning back into your life.

4. Take one action step that aligns with #3. While you may not be able to change your life in a snap, you can begin to shift your mindset by taking mini actions. Even the smallest of meaningful actions can have a profound effect. If you feel alive in nature but live in a city, enchanting forests and soothing oceans may not be at your fingertips. So, what is? Go outside. Take in the vast sky or observe the tiniest insect. Take a walk and move your body. Reach out to a friend for a cup of tea. Get involved in a cause you care about. Nature, movement, support, and purposeful action are all key vehicles to shifting your mood.

Getting out of a rut is not usually a quick process. It can take time and patience. But it starts with acknowledging you’re in a rut and then taking small steps out of the hole. If the tools you’ve tried and the steps above don’t help, it may be a good idea to seek professional support from a therapist or your doctor.

How can you tell when you’re stuck in a rut? How do you navigate your way out?

Brainspotting Resource Model: A Simple Tool to Treat Anxiety

Brainspotting Resource Model: A Simple Tool to Treat Anxiety

by | Apr 6, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Trauma

Brainspotting resource model, eh? If you’re not even sure what Brainspotting is, you’re not alone. Brainspotting is a relatively new model of therapy designed to help people identify, process, and release emotional and physical distress, as well as the often related unresolved, underlying trauma.

I’ll explain Brainspotting in a moment. But I want to first acknowledge that it may seem a little “woo-woo”. I know it did to me at first.

Yet, after completing a Brainspotting training about a year ago, I began incorporating elements of Brainspotting into my personal healing practices, as well as in my work with yoga clients and retreat guests. And well, I’ve been surprised by the profound effect its had on my healing process, as well as the responses I hear from clients. 

During our recent Guatemala retreat, I led the group through the Brainspotting Resource Model one evening.

When we finished, one guest said she initially thought it was silly and felt like she was in an eye exam. But she did, and she reported that after a few moments, the physical pain in her body she had been feeling up until that point seemed to dissolve.

To me, that’s worth sharing. 

Before we talk about the Brainspotting Resource Model, let’s take a look at the approach and the theory behind it. 

What is Brainspotting?

Brainspotting was developed in 2003 by a clinical social worker named Dr. David Grand. The theory behind the Brainspotting model is based on an increasing body of research that suggests that traumatic memories are stored in the body and result in changes in the way the brain functions.

Under this premise, it’s believed that therapeutic methods that access the limbic system or emotional brain rather than just the rational brain (as talk therapy does) are critical to the overall healing process.

Brainspotting is believed to provide direct access into these deeper parts of the brain where traumatic memories and emotional disturbances are held through “brainspots” or focused positions of the eyes that directly correlate to the negative feeling, belief, thought, or memory. 

According to David Grand, “Where you look affects how you feel.”

I know this can sound a little odd at first, so consider this…

Have you ever been deep in thought processing or trying to recall a word and found your eyes wandering off? Our eyes naturally move in different directions when we scan for thoughts, feelings, and memories. 

Similarly, you’ve probably had the experience of feeling totally absorbed in a feeling or memory while staring into space. Or if you practice yoga or meditation you may be familiar with the “drishti” in which the eyes center at a specific gazing point allowing a deeper sense of focus. 

The position of your eyes can affect how you feel, as it’s directly related to what is happening in the brain in any given moment.

Brainspotting Resource Model

In Brainspotting, we work with two models: the Activation Model and Resource Model. 

In the Activation Model, the therapist guides the client to notice where they feel the distressful situation in the body and then helps the client locate the corresponding brainspot where the distress is most active. The Resource Model guides the client to notice where they feel most calm, grounded, or neutral and then helps the client to locate the brainspot that matches the calm, grounded feeling the most. 

In general, it is recommended that you work with a qualified therapist for both of these models. However, there is such thing as “self-spotting” and the Resource Model can be used as an effective grounding tool to calm anxiety and tap into a place of greater presence. This is what I’ve illustrated in the video.

With that in mind, when it comes to treating complex trauma or serious mental health concerns, it’s important to work with a licensed, qualified professional. If you want to find a certified Brainspotter, you can access the Brainspotting Directory.  

Yoga for Highly Sensitive People: A Practice in Self-Love

Yoga for Highly Sensitive People: A Practice in Self-Love

by | Mar 23, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Self Care, Trauma, Yoga

It’s no secret that yoga can support highly sensitive people. A slow-paced, nurturing yoga practice can be just the medicine to calm an anxious nervous system and learn to befriend the most uncomfortable thoughts and feelings highly sensitive people often encounter. Today I want to share with you a yoga practice I put together to help you access qualities of calmness and compassion within yourself. 

But before you watch my yoga for highly sensitive people video, I want to offer a few tips to help ensure your yoga experience is supportive.

  • First, start by giving yourself permission to adapt and/or skip postures in this video if they don’t feel right. You can simply breathe, take another posture, or give yourself a little shoulder massage. Then join back in when you’re ready.
  • Remember that yoga above all is a practice of breathing and connecting to the self. The postures are there to bring you into the moment, and thereby, a place of connection.
  • This practice uses a yoga mat, two blocks, and a bolster. If you don’t have blocks, you may have books or other items around your house that you can use. If you do not have a bolster, sometimes cushions or a thick, folded blanket will work as a substitute.
  • Many parts of this practice can be done lying on the floor or in a bed. Other parts can be done using a chair. You can also check out this full chair yoga video I made a while back if getting up and down is difficult for you.
  • Finally, feel free to comment below to let me know what you liked about the video, what you could use more of, or any parts that felt confusing to you. 

Enjoy yoga for highly sensitive people in my “Unsinkable Self-Love for HSPs” video. 

Feeling Overwhelmed? 3 Key Ingredients to Get the Support You Need

Feeling Overwhelmed? 3 Key Ingredients to Get the Support You Need

by | Feb 23, 2019 | Anxiety

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, you want to run. Your thoughts feel scattered, lungs tight, and pressure builds in your head. Sometimes the signs of overwhelm are pretty intense and obvious. Other times, they’re far more subtle and you don’t even notice until the last straw hits.

Either way, at times it may be too difficult to manage your feelings, thoughts, and circumstances before being overwhelmed by them. And if you’re like me, you feel even more overwhelmed if your usual coping strategies don’t seem to be working.

I’ve had a few encounters with feeling overwhelmed recently. The sensations feel very fresh for me as I write this. In some of those moments, my go-to methods worked well enough to self-soothe and return to center.

But there were other instances when I realized I needed more than what I could do on my own.

I needed support.

That may sound basic and obvious, but the truth is that it’s not always easy to ask for help. In fact, it’s not always easy to even recognize that you need support.

We live in a highly individualistic culture that says pull yourself up and push through stress. These standards can make you feel like you’re supposed to be able to do it all on your own.

Beyond that, many of us have even felt shamed or dismissed by someone we thought we trusted. These influences can prevent us from asking for support when we need it.

So, when it comes to making the support recipe work, I’ve learned that there are three ingredients that need to be in place.

3 Key Ingredients for Support When You’re Feeling Overwhelmed

1. Recognize when you feel overwhelmed.

It’s important to be able to notice when you start feeling overwhelmed since it can sneak up before you know it. Pay attention to the state of your body and mind.

The other day I told my partner I needed time alone to “sit with” and “feel out” some difficult choices I was in the process of making. He stepped away, and as I spent some time with myself, my brain became a frenetic scatter of jumping from one aspect of this decision to another.

When he returned, I huffed and told him he came back too early and I needed more time. It was then I realized that I was overthinking and making this harder than it needed to be. Perhaps I could benefit from his help. He wanted to help, so I let him. He was able to break things into manageable pieces, and in the end, I felt relieved with a greater sense of direction.

Don’t underestimate the power of knowing when you need to take a step back from what you’re doing to reassess. You may be able to manage alone, but support can be a powerful gift.

2. Seek the right source of support.  

Be discerning about who you ask for help. The best support person or group in one circumstance may not be the same in another.

A few weeks ago, I had an argument with someone. I was overcome with anger, and of course, underneath I felt hurt. And while I have many supportive people in my life, there are some things that go too deep for that kind of support structure.

I considered scheduling with my therapist, but then remembered I had a trauma processing training coming up in a couple days. I knew those practice sessions would allow me to shift some of what I was feeling.

I was right. The way others held space for me to heal that weekend allowed me to fully embody my compassionate self, which also helped me communicate better with this person later.

In some cases, the help of a trained professional can be essential in dealing with deep-seated pain and trauma.

3. Communicating what you need.

It helps to be able to communicate what is overwhelming out when reaching out for support and what you need from those people.

When I was leading a retreat recently, there was a time when I felt a little inundated due to a combination of factors. I felt my shoulders tense up and my heart rate increase. Something was up and I listened to my body.

At that moment, all I had to say was, “Hey guys, I’m feeling a little frazzled and overstimulated right now. I’d really love it if I could just have a few moments to myself to process and get centered.”

I named what I was feeling and kindly asked for what I needed. The guests were more than understanding…well, they get it. They’re highly sensitive introverts!  Later I thanked the group for giving me those few moments that made such a difference.

When you’re feeling overwhelmed, sometimes the support you need is for others to honor your need for space. Giving yourself permission to make this request and communicating at the right time can be the difference between escalation and self-regulation.   

Support can come in many forms.

Sometimes you need someone to simply listen. Other times it’s helpful to bounce ideas off someone. And even other times, you need the help of a trained professional to identify what’s overwhelming you and take the lead in helping you cope and prioritize.

If you lack a support network, you might consider turning to a therapist, teacher, spiritual leader, or colleague. Or there are support groups, community centers, places of worship, and other organizations that serve various needs. Other resources include online chat forums and Hotline Phone Numbers.

What about you? When you’re feeling overwhelmed and need support, what have you found most helpful?