For HSPs Who Struggle with Holiday Rituals

For HSPs Who Struggle with Holiday Rituals

by | Nov 18, 2021 | Anxiety

Do you struggle with holiday rituals?

While much of the world is excited to celebrate the holidays again, you might have mixed feelings. You may be grateful to gather with loved ones and simultaneously dread certain aspects of the holidays.

Many people have a hard time with the holidays for a variety of reasons from grief to financial stress to overwhelm by the bustle of it all.

However, for HSPs, it can go even deeper.

If you feel disconnected from some of the holiday rituals and traditions you grew up with, you’re not alone.

I’ve heard from quite a few HSPs recently who share similar sentiments.

For HSPs who are deep feelers and thinkers, crave meaning, and are often highly aware of their social and environmental impact, it’s not hard to see why.

Some holiday rituals may be in conflict with what you value.

With Thanksgiving one week away, I’ll say I have a hard time celebrating this day that has attempted to erase and rewrite history. It’s not easy to reconcile this with my values of truth and human dignity.

I struggle with the chaotic pace and excessive consumerism of Christmas. This directly conflicts with my values of meaning, simplicity, and reducing environmental impact.

I feel sad when we condition children to believe that if they’re “good” then they’re deserving of new objects that offer a blip of temporary satisfaction before they end up in a landfill. My yoga and social work values tell me that this messaging is a recipe for human suffering.

I could go on, but then all of these struggles with holiday rituals make me feel like a curmudgeon.

So, I aim to find some semblance of balance with…

  • When to speak truth and when to let things go.
  • When to bow out and when to participate.
  • When to honor tradition and when to evolve.

I also aim to explore ways to honor myself, loved ones, ancestors, indigenous people, and land and natural cycles to which we belong.

I invite you to explore too.

4 Tips for HSPs Who Struggle with Holiday Rituals

1) Focus on qualities worth keeping. 

You don’t have to connect with every aspect of a holiday ritual to find meaning and purpose in it. There may be a simple way to align with your values that doesn’t hurt or offend the traditionalists in your life.

Of course, many focus on gratitude at Thanksgiving. This whole month I’ve been taking inventory of my internal and external resources that I have to be grateful for and sharing them in support of others.

You might also birth a new holiday ritual out of an old tradition. A participant from our HSP Circle recently mentioned that each Thanksgiving she donates to the tribe that is native to the ancestral land she resides on.

  • What part of this holiday ritual could be meaningful?
  • What qualities would you like to experience?
  • How can you bring those qualities in through yourself?
  • How might you impact others?

2) Get curious and allow yourself to be creative. 

Reconsider ritual. Open to the possibility of rituals that feel meaningful to you and perhaps some people around you. It need not be elaborate or take a lot of time. Feel into what connects you to your inner and outer landscapes.

You may look back over the pandemic to see if there’s a ritual you’d like to carry forth. Last Christmas, we had a socially distant bonfire at my sister’s house. This year, we don’t need to be outside in our cold Chicago winter, but we’ve decided to bundle up and keep this going.

  • What is nature telling you in this season?
  • What matters to you most?
  • What would be a meaningful way to honor this time?

3) Clarify your own boundaries and have the courage to stand in them.

You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing. It’s okay to prioritize and bow out of some things to preserve your energy. This may be the very choice that allows you to show up more fully to the people and traditions that matter to you. Decide ahead of time what you’re going to do (or not) and communicate clearly and kindly.

Refrain from saying no out of avoidance or yes out of a need to please people. Listen to that inner nudge when it’s honestly reminding you to take care of yourself.

  • If your body could speak, what would it request?
  • What is one tradition or engagement you might decline?
  • Where might you push yourself a little to participate?

4) Allow yourself to find the joy and moments of connection.

Building on the last question, at times it’s important to use your HS empathy to step outside of yourself and recognize what matters to your loved ones. This is not to say you should partake in something that feels unsafe, causes harm, or pressures you to be someone you’re not.

Yet, there are likely rituals that feel meaningful to loved ones, even if they don’t to you. Being able to find joy in contexts that might be a little challenging can be profound.

  • What matters to your loved ones that you can honor?
  • Where can you find a spark of joy for yourself in those moments?

Holiday rituals may involve some struggles for HSPs, but they can also be powerful times and spaces to bond with community, nature, and of course, yourself.

If this post was helpful, check out: 8 HSP Holiday Anxiety Triggers + How to Cope

For Highly Sensitive People Who Feel the Pain of the World

For Highly Sensitive People Who Feel the Pain of the World

by | Oct 23, 2020 | Activism, Anxiety, highly sensitive activism, Highly Sensitive Person

Do you feel the pain of the world as a highly sensitive person?

Do you want to do something but don’t know where to start?

Do you tend to shut down when you feel overwhelmed?

Maybe you wonder if anything you do will even matter.

As a highly sensitive person who has felt the pain of the world since I was child, I get it. I know these anxieties and there are moments when I feel powerless too. The social and environmental issues I care about have felt exceedingly daunting this year.

To add to this, we’re living in a time in which most people are dealing with very real individual and family stresses. You may feel like you have enough on personal plate to serve the world around you.

Self-care and healthy boundaries are vital. It’s important to be able to recognize and honor when you have limited bandwidth. There are other times when you’ll have energy available to support others and to get active in causes you care about. There are times in which you’re energy will be best directed toward replenishing your reserves and simply tending to what’s in front of you.

I’ve been at this balance of personal and collective care for over 20 years. It took me a long time to establish sustainable ways of engaging that truly have potential to benefit the causes and people I care about and myself.

Once I did, I came to realize that taking action toward collective well-being is one of best ways to alleviate anxiety about the pain of the world.

Highly Sensitive People Who Feel the Pain of the World, Taking Action Is Key

In these current times, you’re bombarded with circumstances that lead you to feel like you have no control.

Anxiety can go into overdrive when you feel so much. You may feel powerless to do anything and stuck in a rut detached from a sense of purpose or agency.

Taking action helps to soothe anxiety because it allows the part of you that feels so anxious to experience the felt sense that you do have control over something…your actions. It also helps that anxious part witness and trust your courageous capacity.

It’s important to note that taking action need not be a burden or sacrifice that zaps your energy and lands you in depletion.

On the contrary, engaged action can be the very ground for you to empower your innate strengths and courage as you bring the depth of your humanity to life beyond your immediate circles and to the wider world to which you belong.

This can even be the place you thrive provided that you have a clear purpose and you work aligns within your strengths, energy, and circumstances.

However, it’s easy to get derailed into thinking nothing you do matters without an essential viewpoint.

Yoga Wisdom for Taking Action

You may have read my blogs or heard this teaching in my yoga classes, but it’s worth repeating a thousand times as a helpful perspective for activism, volunteer work, supporting loved ones, and even action for yourself.

This teaching comes from the Bhagavad Gita, which teaches us how to fully participate, live, and do our duties in worldly life with a stable mind and equanimity.

The primary teaching of karma yoga in this text is to do what is front of you to do because it is in accordance with that which is right and just while renouncing the results or fruit of the action. In other words, take selfless and beneficial outer action because it’s your duty or responsibility, but maintain an inner attitude of renunciation of the outcome.

You don’t control the results because there are countless other variables at play that contribute to the laws of cause and effect that cannot always be seen or known. On this same token, it’s hard to fully know if there’s a silver lining in a devastating setback.

Consider that you may plant seeds in your garden and be frustrated when a squirrel gets mischievous or the wind carries it away. Yet, maybe the squirrel or wind presented the neighbor down the street a joyful surprise and unexpected nourishment.

So many people get burned out or cynical about when their efforts don’t lead to the desired results.

From this perspective, you simply do what is within your power to support and uphold dharma, which means both your individual duty and universal natural law that benefits all living beings with the least amount of harm (ahimsa).

3 Key Considerations for Taking Action as a Highly Sensitive Person

1) Energy. HSPs take in a lot of information quickly and generally need time to cognitively and emotionally process. Get clear on what kinds of actions and environments feed and deplete your energy.  If you’re new to activism or community work, this may require some exploration to learn what fits with respect to your environment, time commitment, personal style, and means to contribute. In accordance with avoiding harm, you may explore ways to take action that don’t require a long-term commitment to start. For example, you may share fundraisers with your networks, join a letter writing campaign, attend a protest, or sign up for a text or phone banking session rather than embarking on an entire training for door-to-door political canvassing. Of course, don’t leave it at doing a thing followed by inaction, but do accurately assess what suits your energy capacity, processing pace, and need for rest.

2) Time. Some people thrive on routine and like to dedicate time each week to taking action. This is a great way to stay consistently involved. Yet, for many people, time availability varies due to other responsibilities and it can be challenging to multi-task for the HSP brain (fine, all brains). There may be weeks when all you can do is donate or show extra kindness to a stranger. There will be other weeks when you give substantially more time. Sometimes your focus needs to shift in and out depending on the circumstances and that’s okay. This means being both compassionate with yourself when you have a lot on your plate and honest with yourself when you have time or it’s possible to make time. When you find yourself spending lengthy time ruminating and feeling the pain of the world, take action.

3) Strengths. Identifying and being honest with your strengths goes hand in hand with energy because it affects the sustainability of your work in the world. You may have existing skills that can be tapped and you may have skills you need to develop. Yet, you need to know your strengths and what puts you in flow in order to discern how you can be most helpful to a cause or movement. If you absolutely despise talking to people on the phone and find yourself avoidant of conflict, campaign phone banking may not be the place you start. Yet, text banking may be an option that gives you time to respond properly. If you’re a creative HSP and/or introvert, you might take action in the form of a craftivism campaign. Maybe you’re a graphic artist or tech expert, you might support an organization with creating flyers or handing the back end of their website. Keep in mind that highly sensitive people are often great at “leading from behind” by uplifting others and supporting movements rather than needing to be headliner.

For highly sensitive people who feel the pain of the world…

There’s no question this can feel heavy and cause undue anxiety. Yet, you have the capacity to help relieve this anxiety by engaging your strengths and taking action for the well-being of all without added overwhelm or depletion.

If you want some ideas for how to take action in a way that suits your strengths and energy, I invite you to check out our next workshop on Activism for Introverts & HSPs w/ Omkari Williams.

Autumn Anxiety and HSPs: Why You Feel It and How to Cope

Autumn Anxiety and HSPs: Why You Feel It and How to Cope

by | Sep 25, 2020 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Yoga

The following article on autumn anxiety and HSPs was originally written for Highly Sensitive Refuge under the title “For Highly Sensitive People, Autumn Anxiety Is Real”.

Do you experience anxiety when fall sweeps in? If your mood and energy suddenly feel off balance at this time of year, you’re not alone.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), I’ve known this feeling since childhood. It’s the anticipation that arrives when the vibrant glow of summer wanes and crisp air whispers that change is imminent.

Perhaps you dislike the inevitable shorter days and colder weather. Maybe you simply have an unsettled feeling that arises from associations, memories, and existential anxiety that can’t quite be expressed through words.

If you can relate, you know the very real feeling of autumn anxiety.

Why HSPs May Feel Autumn Anxiety

While autumn anxiety is not an official mental health diagnosis, anxiety in fall is common. Some clinicians suggest anxiety may be triggered by dwindling sunlight and heightened for those anticipating change, Seasonal Affective Disorder, or upcoming holiday anniversaries.

Although anyone can experience autumn anxiety — highly sensitive or not — it’s likely that HSPs are more susceptible to it. Therapist Gillian Scully, who coined the term, has said, “It seems that people who are already quite sensitive and aware of their surroundings have been experiencing these feelings.”

Highly sensitive people are keenly aware of environmental subtleties and feel nostalgic memories deeply. It’s understandable why your nervous system may feel destabilized during seasonal change.

There’s also another way to understand the seasonal change.

Autumn Anxiety from a Yogic and Ayurvedic Lens

As a yoga teacher, I find it important to consider some of the basic principles of Ayurveda, yoga’s “sister science” for understanding health, that I’ve learned from my teachers. Anyone can benefit from simply aligning more with the seasons and nature to restore and nourish well-bring, but I find this is especially true for my highly sensitive students.

Ayurveda conceptualizes that all living beings have specific constitutions or doshas (vata, kapha, pitta) that correspond to the elements (water, fire, earth, air, and ether). The unique makeup of these within each person defines their physical, emotional, and mental characteristics and lifestyle recommendations in order to bring the doshas into balance.

Likewise, the seasons of the year are also governed by doshas and autumn is known as “vata season.” This means that the vata constitution, which corresponds to the elements of air and ether is dominant at this time of year. Autumn is associated with qualities such as windy, dry, cool, unstable, and variable.

While this perspective says that vata is dominant for everyone in fall, you can imagine how you might be affected as a highly sensitive person with a system that is constantly processing, managing overload, and perhaps experiencing variable emotions.

To bring the doshas into balance, the other elements are to be harnessed. Thus, this is a time of year for grounding, gentle warming, and stabilizing.

Even if you don’t subscribe to these teachings, you can still see how a person’s mood and mindset can be strongly affected by the natural and social changes of the seasons, and how these principles can be helpful while navigating those changes.

9 Yogic and Ayurvedic Tips to Ease Autumn Anxiety

1. Align with the season.

If you tend to get sucked into longing for warmer days or dreading frigid temperatures, draw yourself into the present time of where you are now in this seasonal cycle. This is a time to reflect upon what you’ve sown and grown and harvest and savor the nourishment. It may be a time of releasing and letting go. By integrating your inner system with your outer environment, you’ll be more able to trust in the cycles of dissolution and renewal and less fixated on your likes and dislikes.

2. Make time for daily ritual.

If you consider that this is a season of change and variability, it’s obvious that some sense of routine can help to stabilize autumn anxiety for HSPs. Yet, while highly sensitive people may benefit from routine, if you’re like me, you may not dig it. That’s completely okay. One of the ways I appease this part of me that dislikes routine is to allow for variety and exploration within routine. For example, you might set aside a regular time for a yoga practice, but listen to the seasons of your body to determine what sort of breath and movement practice would be beneficial. One of my students takes morning walks and noted that she changes the route a little each time to maintain interest.

3. Create a sensitive sanctuary.

While not everyone has the privilege of expansive space or freedom from neighbor noise, you may still have a space in your home that you can dedicate as a sacred corner for your ritual practice. Maybe it is also the place where you go to be with your emotions. Keep it simple but feel free to be creative. Cozy blankets, noise cancelling headphones, candles, and special mementos can all help facilitate a feeling of enjoying the process of turning inward…where your home, body, and mind are places you want to be.

4. Sync with sunlight.

Aligning with the day and night cycles is just as important to your system as the cycles of the seasons. You may not be an early bird and I’m certainly not suggesting to go to sleep at 6 p.m. Yet, it’s important to sync with those morning daylight hours and your circadian rhythm as much as possible. Rather than setting an early alarm, you might start going to sleep a little bit earlier each night so you’re more naturally able to wake up early.

5. Restore with grounding yoga practices.

You know that yoga can support you in focusing and settling your senses. This is a good time for slow and steady yoga that integrates mildly warming practices that facilitate stability and grounding. You might focus on poses that center you in your feet and legs or restorative practices that allow you to feel your body nestling into the ground. This is also the season for turning inward with calming pranayama or meditation practice. Yoga nidra (yogic sleep) is also a wonderful way to relax and replenish.

6. Eat and cook with the season.

Consider the local foods in your region that you can integrate into your cooking and diet. Nature does a wonderful job of supplying the nutrients you need in a given time of year. Overall, this is the time to opt for warm, cooked, grounding, and seasonal foods (squash, hearty greens, sweet potatoes, apples, brussel sprouts, nuts, oils, mild spices, etc.) and really engage your senses mindfully in the process of cooking and preparing them. Here is one of my favorite fall recipes that aligns with Ayurvedic principles.

7. Stay connected.

Though autumn is a time of harvesting and turning in, this doesn’t equate to isolation. Autumn is a vital time to balance inward-oriented practices and activities with healthy community connection. You might consider seasonal activities with loved ones you can safely partake in during the pandemic: socially distanced outdoor activities like visiting an orchard or building a campfire. You may explore ways to connect with other HSPs like you.

8. Explore creativity and curiosity.

There was a time in my life when I despised winter, so I didn’t care for autumn since it leads to winter. It wasn’t until my mid-twenties that I made a commitment to spend time outdoors doing activities I love such as hiking, even in cold weather. Consider how you might awaken curiosity and explore the most mundane aspects of your surroundings, even when it’s gloomy. Perhaps there’s a new hobby to try out or an old childhood pastime to reignite.

9. Show yourself compassion.

There may be moments when not every part of you is fully available to practice and engage with the tips above, and that’s okay too. In those moments, whether life feels heavy or you feel like a frenetic mess, give yourself a break. Be loving and compassionate to those parts of yourself too, just as you would to a friend going through a tough time.

When anxiety comes with seasonal changes, it can be helpful to remember the simple truth that seasons do indeed cycle. Summer will come again, emotions will shift, and you’ll always get through it.

Over to you…

If you struggle from autumn anxiety, what helps you cope and enjoy the season more?

Highly Sensitive Activists: Your Sustainable Fuel for the Long Haul

Highly Sensitive Activists: Your Sustainable Fuel for the Long Haul

by | Jun 18, 2020 | Activism, Anxiety, highly sensitive activism, Highly Sensitive Person, Yoga

Highly sensitive activist? Is this a thing? Honestly, I’m not sure, but I invite you to come forth and make it one because your care, complexity, and courage are needed.

Whether you already see yourself as a highly sensitive activist or are reluctant to consider yourself as such, I believe you’ll find the tips in this article helpful in how you can bring yourself to the world.

Highly sensitive people can make strong, effective activists. You may feel the injustices of the world deeply and want to have an impact. Yet, you might get stuck feeling overwhelmed and distracted and hesitate to get active. Or maybe you have been involved in activism and experienced burnout or compassion fatigue.

Stepping forth and holding focus while preventing depletion requires a true balance of beneficial action and supportive rest. Balance gets talked about a lot, but I want to dig a little deeper into the nuance of what this really means, as I discuss some of these key ingredients for sustained activism.

Today I want to share some tips with you for how to manage your energy and perspective as a highly sensitive activist so that you can get involved, stay engaged, and prevent burnout.

First, I’d like to say more about why I’m writing this. 

I recently wrote a call to action to my email list to bring forth the strengths of sensitivity in support of Black Lives Matter.

I heard from people who want to do something but question whether they can make a difference. I also heard from folks that are struggling to cope with anxiety amidst the many societal changes and personal hardships and don’t feel they have the energy to put forth.

I get the frustration and despair. And I hear that many of you are working through healing of your own.

I also know many of you face constant anxiety related to your experience as a person of color in a world in which you have to teach your children how not to get killed by those who are supposed to protect.

White readers, please read that again. Added daily anxiety because of the color of your skin.

Yes, it IS our collective duty to examine ourselves and systems we live in while advocating for policies that promote real social justice.

We must engage in deeper work that heals collective trauma that many Black and Indigenous People of Color (BIPOC) face every moment of every day.

But does your voice and action make a difference? What if you feel like you’re at your capacity?

I’d like to share how I build reserves and manage my own sustainable fuel needed for the long haul of individual and collective healing as a highly sensitive activist.

6 Tips for the Highly Sensitive Activist

1)  Know your overarching purpose. Highly sensitive people thrive on purpose. Get in touch with your “why” behind your actions. Knowing what you’re committed to fighting for will help you regroup and refocus when things get tough.

When I consider my purpose, I draw wisdom from yoga teachings and social work values that have informed my life. You may have other wisdom to draw from, here are mine:

  • Yoga asks me to live in accordance with dharma, which includes taking wise, just, and beneficial action toward that which upholds collective good for all beings and the planet.
  • Social work perspective asks me to apply systems theory to understand how environments and individuals interact and take action at the point of this intersection.

Both ask me to listen to the experiences of others. And they ask me go beyond myself and the people closest to me and make it clear that it’s incumbent upon me to widen my circle of care from my individual reality to the greater good.

2) Take beneficial action without attachment to the outcome. This might be one of the most critical perspectives that helps me keep going when it feels like the world is falling apart.

The problems of the world can feel overbearing to a highly sensitive activist. There are moments when you’ll wonder if your efforts are pointless. In those moments, I remember Krishna’s words in the Bhagavad Gita (paraphrased from a yoga text about conflict in a setting of conflict):

You may not control your environment, other people, or even the results of your actions. Yet, you DO have control over your own actions. Do your duty for the sake of the action itself and not the fruit of those actions.

Of course, expectations or desired outcomes are normal and necessary. Without them, you may not act. The teaching here is that you are responsible for just action toward collective good, even if it doesn’t yield your intended outcome. (Also embedded here is that there is always more than meets the eye and the ripple effects of your actions, karma, are unknowable.)

Adopting and living this perspective can free up your busy HSP brain for other matters. So…write the letter. Create provocative art. Donate money. Canvas your neighborhood. Do the right thing regardless of the immediate results (of course, knowing that sometimes the course of action will need to be reevaluated).

3) Name and celebrate successes. Just because you don’t control the full results of your actions, doesn’t mean that the collective contributions and positive outcomes shouldn’t be recognized. Systemic change is a slow process made up of many smaller milestones.

Even though there’s urgency, pay attention to the little victories and celebrate them. Incremental successes can be the fuel that keeps you and your community going and builds broader support for the cause.

Consider the concept above of not knowing the full ripple effects of your actions. Likewise, the results of your actions will ripple out into the future beyond your lifetime.

Take a look at what the first 10 days of sustained protests accomplished for Black Lives Matter.

4) Consider engaged action as healing action. When you have a lot on your plate, you may feel like you don’t have much energy left to take action. You might feel like you need to focus on yourself right now.

Self-care is important. At the same time, engaged action is also an empowering vehicle for healing and managing the other challenges of life.

If you struggle with anxiety or are working through trauma, you know how impactful it is when you tap into your sense of personal agency. Personal agency brings the locus of control back to you.

Engaged action in your own life reminds you of your resilience and capacity. Engaged action in your community reconnects you to the depth of your humanity and immerses you fully in life. Both play essential roles in individual and collective healing journeys.

You don’t have to do all the things as a highly sensitive person. Consider your skills and how you can apply them to affect positive change. Determine your bandwidth and set a plan of action for yourself within those parameters. Start small and grow from there.

5) Rest and restore. Self-care is a term that gets thrown around so much these days as temporary pleasure that it makes many of us want to throw up a little (as one person said during a recent yoga and reflection group)… the same way that “yoga as an escape” bothers many of us teachers since it is so far from the purpose of yoga.

Self-care is not an excuse to avoid discomfort or what’s in front of you to do. It’s making supportive (non-shaming, non-prescriptive) choices. It’s using discernment to set boundaries and know when to say no. It’s carving out space for your grief and emotions.

Notice when you feel resistant to resting. This may be when you need it the most.

Restful practice is vital to replenishing your highly sensitive reserves and capacity so that you can continue to show up tomorrow for yourself, those around you, and your work.

6) Choose your battles wisely. This is something I constantly have to reign myself back in with. And it relates to when and how you use your voice.

If you’ve been following the discussions on anti-racism, you know that many activists are asking you to have that “hard conversation with your racist uncle” or “call out racist behavior” on social media.

This is incredibly important and we need to take that call to heart and live it. Yet, without nuance as to when and how to do this, you can easily find yourself on a fast road to depletion and massive frustration. This doesn’t mean you don’t do the tough thing, it just means to apply consider when and how you direct your energy. Here are some questions to keep in mind:

  • Have you had the same circular conversation with your relative at every family gathering? If so, consider preserving your energy. Maybe you express your view and set boundaries, but if you’ve been down that road, don’t take the bait.
  • Are you in a work meeting in which your Black colleague is being asked to do the emotional labor of speaking for all Black people? This might be a time to say something. Yet, the when and how require tremendous discernment based on the context, power dynamics, and manner in which you say something. Here are some considerations for allyship worth reading.
  • Is your high school buddy who is a generally kind person sharing memes with racist undertones? Consider “calling him in” with a private message rather than shaming him on his Facebook page. He may be more likely to listen (and even remove the post).

Highly sensitive activist, you’re going to get tired and you’re going to make mistakes. Yet, your passion, voice, and engaged action are needed for collective healing.

8 HSP Holiday Anxiety Triggers + How to Cope

8 HSP Holiday Anxiety Triggers + How to Cope

by | Dec 5, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person

Do you face HSP holiday anxiety?

First off, you don’t have to be highly sensitive to experience holiday anxiety. There are enough pressures, time crunches, and social marathons to cause even our non-HSP friends to feel stressed.

However, there are some triggers that only HSPs understand. And even universal holiday anxiety triggers tend to affect HSPs in a way that can feel especially intense.

That isn’t to say that the holidays are absent of joy. They can feel joyous too; it’s just really a mixed bag for HSPs.

And well, bypassing HSP holiday anxiety triggers isn’t helpful. Ignoring these triggers can make the experiences feel unbearable and wreak havoc on your nervous system leading to further anxiety.

By shedding light on the holiday anxiety triggers of HSPs, you may find that:

  • You’re not alone and other HSPs experience similar holiday anxiety triggers.
  • Identifying triggers is a key step for learning to honor and cope with them.
  • Preparing yourself for HSP holiday anxiety triggers goes a long way.
  • You can cope with the triggers in a way that allows you to enjoy the holidays.

The following list is by no means exhaustive of HSP holiday anxiety triggers, but it speaks to some of my own as well as what I’ve heard from my clients.

8 HSP Holiday Anxiety Triggers

1) Loud Environments

Many HSPs feel overwhelmed when it comes to noisy environments. An HSP might do okay there is just one loud thing. But if you add on cross talking while an HSP is trying to listen to someone, screaming babies, holiday music, and football blaring from the television all at the same time, the HSP nervous system goes haywire.

2) Commercialization and Consumerism

At a sensory level, HSPs can easily feel overwhelmed by the bombardment of advertising, lights, bells, and crowds that permeate the holidays. And at an emotional level, many HSPs feel deep sadness when that sensory experience is rife with consumption and disregard for the impact on our society and planet. I don’t want to be Melancholic Melissa, but it takes immense energy to reconcile joy and love for others with abundant waste and harm to others.

3) F-ing Fragrance

Many HSPs are intensely bothered by perfumes and colognes. It can really feel like a violation of space and senses. Living in the world means that intrusive chemicals that make me wheeze and sneeze are unavoidable. And well, I don’t know, the stress of the holidays must really make people think they stink because it seems the dowsing goes over the top when people put on their festive attire.

4) Travel

Even vacation travel can be stressful for HSPs due to the various aspects of planning and uncertainty involved. When you pile on time constraints, stifling traffic, financial costs, smuggling baked goods through airport security, and other expectations that can go along with the holidays, traveling can quickly feel overwhelming to HSPs if we don’t keep some considerations in mind.

5) Dressing Up

I used to think I was the only woman who hated dressing up until I met other HSPs. HSPs can be sensitive to the feel of certain textures and many garments feel so constricting that you want to jump out of your body. So, why not skip the aggravating attire? Well, for me, what feels okay one day can literally become my most despised item of clothing the next. I’m not sure what this sudden shift is about, but it’s a real occurrence.

6) Politics

Hey, hey, before you start calling me a “snowflake” (grits teeth), both liberal and conservative HSPs alike that I’ve talked to can feel highly triggered by political conversations. While some people find political differences to be interesting fodder for a fun debate, as an HSP, what you feel and believe is connected right to the center of your heart. HSPs want to connect in meaningful ways, and therefore, may prefer to focus on topics that build connection.

7) Grief

HSPs feel everything deeply, which can mean feeling intense nostalgia. Nostalgia can be a beautiful experience of recalling memories. But it can feel overwhelming if you’ve lost a loved one, experienced divorce, or faced other life-changing circumstances. You know what I mean. A family memento, music, wistful images of fond memories, a Christmas movie scene, spices in the kitchen, you name it…any of these can bring about a tsunami of emotion.

8) Small Talk

The holidays can entail office parties, family gatherings, seeing old friends, among other social events. Some of those events can mean attempting to catch up with many people within a couple of hours or awkwardly looking for ways to make interesting conversation. HSPs are acutely aware of their own feelings of inauthenticity when it comes to small talk and jumping from conversation to conversation can feel exhausting.

How to Cope with Holiday Anxiety Triggers as an HSP

  • Know your triggers. Being able to identify them can help you to physically and mentally prepare for how to deal with them when they arise.
  • Have some go-to tools. Grounding techniques, longer exhalations, gentle body movement, and focusing your gaze in one place can all be helpful tools for managing holiday triggers. This isn’t a one-size fits all though, so you will need to explore what works best for you.
  • Wear comfy clothes that feel like you. There are enough triggers to deal with, so you might as well choose comfort as one thing you can control so that your body has a greater likelihood of feeling at ease.
  • Ask for what you need. Ok, so asking your uncle to wash off his cologne is a little like telling your sister her top is ugly after she made the purchase and is wearing it. But there are things you can request. If you’re having a conversation and feel bombarded with noise, ask to turn down the TV so you can listen better. Or ask if the two of you could go in the other room so you can really hear them.
  • Feel your feelings. When grief or trauma come up throughout the holiday season, allow yourself to be with it. Carve out time for a particular ritual or practice to offer yourself space to grieve. Giving yourself time can reduce the likelihood of the flood gates opening at an inopportune moment. Although if this happens, that’s okay too…be loving with yourself.
  • Get curious in conversations. It’s not just HSPs that worry about small talk. Assume others can be deep too. Consider what you know is happening in their lives. Ask them about the things that you know interest them, if they’re working on anything creative, what they like about their new job, what the highlight of the last weekend/month/year was, and so forth.
  • Plan and prepare but expect the unexpected. If you know you’ll be traveling for the holidays, go ahead with getting errands done early and making checklists. But knowing that there may be some unexpected hiccups along the way can help in adopting a “go with the flow” attitude when circumstances are out of your control.
  • Take care of yourself. I know you’re tired of hearing about self-care, but taking time before and after holiday activities can be invaluable when it comes to how your nervous system responds in triggering situations. Get some sleep, hydrate, cozy up with tea.
  • Find the joy. I recall there was a gathering not so long ago with my Italian family in which the volume of talking, laughter, and musical acts was totally amped up. My system felt overloaded, but then I sort of let all the sound blur together looked around. I saw people I love laughing, singing, and bouncing little babies. In that moment, I felt an HSP tear sneaking up, but more for the joy I was witnessing than for the noise trigger.

What about you? What are you most triggered by during the holiday season and how do you manage those triggers?

6 Common Leadership Challenges of the Highly Sensitive Leader

6 Common Leadership Challenges of the Highly Sensitive Leader

by | Aug 21, 2019 | Anxiety, Highly Sensitive Person, Personal Growth, Uncategorized

This article was originally written for Highly Sensitive Refuge under the title “6 Challenges Every HSP Leader Must Face — And How to Overcome Them”.

Many highly sensitive people (HSPs) are natural leaders. As an HSP, you have a unique way of seeing the world, which is likely accompanied by a high level of emotional intelligence and deep thinking. You likely also have the ability to inspire and bring others together — whether you realize it or not.

Yet, being a highly sensitive leader comes with real challenges that can feel overwhelming. This is especially true if you’ve received a lifetime of false messages about what it means to be a leader.

You’ve been fed a paradigm that says leaders have bold confidence, magnetic charisma, and quick thinking abilities. These qualities are still very much valued in our society, so you may be slow to see yourself as a leader or feel frustrated when you’re undervalued.

This happens even to HSPs in established leadership positions. I have to admit that occasionally a part of me falls prey to this narrow notion of leadership. When it does, I start to doubt myself. And that doubt can make me question whether I embody leadership qualities at all.

It’s taken me twenty years to let go of limiting beliefs about what a leader is and embrace the important skills I bring to my work as a highly sensitive leader who guides international retreats for sensitive people.

But, despite the stereotypes, I believe that highly sensitive people make excellent leaders. We don’t need to be afraid to step up. And I truly think that our gifts as HSPs allow sensitive leaders to make a positive difference.

Let’s take a look at the challenges of being an HSP leader — and how to manage them effectively while creating space for your innate strengths to blossom.

Challenges Highly Sensitive Leaders Face and What to Do

1. You may resist being a leader at all.

Even if you’re in a leadership role already, part of you may still doubt your abilities. And if you’ve never led before, you may think it’s just not “for you” — that only very aggressive people really step up into leadership. You may get this impression at work, in politics, in organizations you belong to, or even in the parent/teacher community at your child’s school.

And it’s easy to see why. Not only do others often have a bias, but the responsibilities of leadership can sometimes feel overwhelming to HSPs. Especially if you dislike being the center of attention (which is common for some HSPs, but not all) and prefer being behind the scenes.

How to overcome it:

Commit to owning your role and your strengths.

Can you identify sensitive leaders you admire? Even if you’re not sure they’re HSPs, you can spot caring leadership. For example, I see Ruth Bader Ginsburg as a leader with clear purpose, strategic thinking, and courageous persistence. She’s careful and poised, but very strong. Can you see similar strengths in yourself?

Draw on these examples to consciously release the need to be like the non-HSP. Instead, get curious about the distinctive ways your sensitivity helps you show up as a leader. Write those strengths down and feel them in your body.

Remember: Owning your role as a leader is not an act of pride or power. It’s for the benefit of those looking for guidance. When I first began leading retreats, I deliberately avoided the head of the table during meals. I resisted putting myself in the “power seat” because I didn’t want to be seen as such. But the best of intentions don’t always have the best impact. Several times, a guest with a stronger personality would end up directing the energy of the table. Over time, I learned that as a space holder, it was vital to care for my position of leadership in order to care for my guests.

You can own being a highly sensitive leader in a firm, gentle way. It’s not that I always sit at the head of the table. But I am more aware of how I can use the keen awareness that comes with my sensitivity to ensure a supportive environment for everyone.

2. You struggle with decision-making.

One of the four traits that define an HSP is depth of processing. It means you think deeply, but you need time to make sense of information you consume — and that can make decision-making a challenge. HSPs see the subtle consequences of many different paths, and may get stuck analyzing or second-guessing decisions for fear of making the “wrong” choice.

How to overcome it: 

Explore new ways to make decisions.

The caution that HSPs employ can be an asset provided that it doesn’t immobilize you. Start by asking whether something is a smaller or bigger decision. For small decisions, it may help to balance your detail-oriented nature with the bigger picture to refrain from overthinking. Let go of “right” and “wrong” and perhaps opt for the “good enough” choice. 

For bigger decisions, give yourself permission to take some time to process. But don’t just process with your intellect.You may have great analytical skills, but you’re also a feeler. Practice getting in touch with the reactions of your body and deeper self by asking, “How does this decision feel?”

Not only do some decisions require time, but sometimes they also require other people. Know when to reach out for support. A decisive person with a quick answer may not have the best plan, but they may give you a new way of thinking about the issue that helps you see your priorities.

3. You need time to articulate your thoughts.

Being a deep processor can also mean you need time before verbalizing your thoughts and may struggle with performance anxiety. And you don’t always know how much time is enough. For example, there are times when I think I’ve processed, but the thoughts whirling around in my head do not quite find their way into coherent sentences when they come out. When HSPs speak before processing, ideas may not come out right, which can make you doubt yourself further.

This is only harder if you think of “leaders” as giving fast, off-the-cuff responses to everything. But, of course, they don’t.

How to overcome it: 

Give yourself and others permission to take time to process.  

One of the main things to remember as a highly sensitive leader is that when you allow yourself time to process, you can better navigate your way through your ideas and values. So take your time processing, but be wary of fearful tendencies wanting to keep your ideas in isolation. It’s important to share your ideas.

You’re not alone — there are likely others that need time before speaking. When I’m leading retreats, I urge guests to give themselves permission to participate how they choose. I acknowledge my own difficulty with getting my thoughts out verbally, so that others remember they can take their time, too, and that none of it has to be perfect. As a leader, you can shift the quick-witted culture to make it okay to take time to process.

4. You feel exhausted when you notice everything.

You pick up on the stress of others and feel it. You also notice when other “leaders” are ego-driven, showy, and insensitive.

But it’s not just people that trigger you. Sensory overload from environmental stimuli — and all of the excess information you’re carrying around in your sensitive brain — can all lead to depletion and difficulty focusing.

How to overcome it: 

Use your awareness of subtleties to care for yourself and your people. 

Feeling everything can be draining, but it’s also a strength. You’re conscientious and you notice errors others may not. You can use your subtle senses to read group dynamics, identify strengths in others, and feel when the quiet ones may need to communicate in a different way — or when the loud confident voices are simply not right. By gathering these subtle details, you have the opportunity to empower others and help them to feel seen and heard.

At the same time, it’s equally important to practice self-care by taking quiet time for yourself and setting boundaries so that you don’t burn out. In her book, The Highly Sensitive Person, Elaine Aron talks about the balance of being “in” and “out” in the world. As a highly sensitive leader, it’s vital to explore how much “in” and “out” time you need to stay healthy. Prepare for situations you know may be stimulating by giving yourself time to rest.

5. You may feel undervalued.

I know your HSP leadership skills may seem like they’re invisible and unappreciated. It’s true that non-HSPs may not initially value your ways since our culture tends to value strong assertiveness (even to the point of confrontation). Or, maybe you’ve had the experience of sharing an idea that gets dismissed — only to have a louder, more forceful personality earn praise for the same idea.

How to overcome it:

Remember your purpose and trust yourself.

Don’t let the societal paradigm determine your value. Return to your purpose for why you do what you do. Trust in your strengths, whether or not you’re given credit. Chances are people feel your magic, even if you don’t always receive verbal confirmation.

Here’s an example. I recently organized a retreat for a non-HSP friend who has a much more extroverted, high-energy vibe than I do. I tend to shrink myself in the presence of people with bolder personalities, which I did during that trip. At the same time, I know my detailed planning, soft-but-firm communication, and attention to each individual were felt. Near the end of the trip, one woman said she saw me as the architect of the experience and appreciated my ability to hold space for everyone to be their best selves. In other words: My strengths made a difference and some people noticed them, even if I wasn’t the “alpha” of the crowd.

Of course, there are countless situations in which my skills go unnoticed. That’s okay too — because I know they’re supporting a greater good. A sensitive leader will focus with purpose and not grabbing credit.

6. You always feel there’s more to do.

HSPs are deeply passionate about their work in the world, whether that be in the form of a career, community involvement, nonprofit, or side project. When you strive to be just and supportive to others as well as innovative and steadfast, you may have a nagging feeling that there’s more to do. Way more. Turning off your ever-active mind can be a real challenge.

How to overcome it:

Ask yourself how you would support a friend with this problem.

Your desire to contribute to the world in creative ways is a great sensitive strength as a highly sensitive leader. But remember to acknowledge what you’re already bringing to the people and environments around you. You don’t have to do it all. You can say no to things. It doesn’t all need to happen right now. And you can ask for help.

When you do find yourself operating on overdrive, ask yourself how you would advise a close friend. Most likely, you’d show them compassion and point out how much they’re already doing. You would give them permission to rest, delegate, or focus on one thing at a time.

Pause and show yourself the same compassion. It will help you show up more expansively as a leader. And it will create more change in the long run.

A Highly Sensitive Leader is a Beloved Leader

Dear Highly Sensitive Leader, remember this…

There is an endless need for your kind of leadership.

It is like a canvas waiting for you to bring your assortment of brushes and colors to its surface. Waiting for you to perceive possibilities, lay out plans, explore new strokes, and transform when necessary.

Your sensitive energy is a gift to the world. If you embrace it, you can be the rare leader who is kind and gentle. Give that gift and start to guide others. Just, please, be kind and gentle with yourself as well.

Do you face self-criticism as a highly sensitive leader? If so, read:

“The Myth About Your Inner Critic (And What You Need to Know)”

“Feeling Self-Critical? How to Transform Self-Criticism as an HSP”